Knowledge Vs Understanding

It is one thing is to have knowledge, and another thing to understand it and use it.

Knowledge is nothing unless you apply it.

Travelling

If you know where you start from, you can tell how far you have travelled. I know where I started from and I know how far I have travelled so far. I am proud of myself!

Just think how much farther I can go!

The Lord of the Rings

Fate has chosen him.
A Fellowship will protect him.
Evil will hunt him.

There are days when I feel like Frodo, and other days I forget.

Searching for answers and posing questions

When posing questions, and searching for answers, you can start to piece together the meaning of life.

But far more important that that, it is when you start joining the pieces together for the meaning of your own life.

Climb Every Mountain

Climb every mountain, search high and low
Follow every by way, every path you know
Climb every mountain, ford every stream
Follow every rainbow, till you find your dream
A dream that will need, all the love you can give
Everyday of your life, for as long as you live
Climb every mountain, ford every stream
Follow every rainbow, till you find your dream
A dream that will need, all the love you can give
Everyday of your life, for as long as you live
Climb every mountain, ford every stream
Follow every rainbow, till you find your... dream...

Human doing or being?

What do I need to do (human doing) to be what I want to be? (human being)

Messages from the past to the future.

I keep finding notes that I am leaving myself. I would be much happier to receive messages from my future self, rather than my past self, but there you go!

18th Jan 2010: Your Journey is coming to an end. The essence will be ruined if you continue. You have to get off.

It seems like this was the first day that I started to think about the escape plan seriously. Before this, it was just the ramblings of my boyfriend, who to be fair to him, is a bit vague about any plans at the best of times. He wants to go on an adventure. I am not the adventurous type. Well, I secretly want to be, I crave to be. I love it actually. Im just a scaredly squirrel.

I need to stand at the summit. I want to get a perspective that is 360^o, rather than being at the bottom only seeing what I can see. I have been here for so long, that the base camp has become more solid. Things look different from the top. You can see all around you, its not so daunting. I think the source of me is also the summit. Its where I am going to gain my energy from, I hope it will motivate me, renew me and restore me. At the moment, I am a battery which is getting topped up every day, but is not being fully recharged. I want to be nourished. I want to be nurtured.

I know in my heart I can t stay here, things eventually change and opportunities come and then go, the window can only be opened for such a time and then it closes.

So, in order to stop myself from future fruitcake syndrome kicking in, I am initiating phase one of my escape plan.

1. Pretend everything is allright. I dont feel it, but the decision should always come first, as the feeling usually follows. If you wait for the feeling, it almost never happens.

2. When I think of a logical reason of why I shouldnt go, I need to attach a heartfelt positive memory in order to combat the negative one.

3. I havent got phase 3 yet, if I get here it will be more than a miracle!

Its all right

Im starting to bomb my bridge.. I need to stop it...its ok...its all right...

Lost at Sea

About three years ago, I came across a passage in a book, which literally changed my world around. There was no rhyme or reason for me reading this particular author. I am very choosy over my reading material. I think the book chose me actually.

The long short of it, three years ago, I was metaphorically on a ship that was sinking. It had been sinking for years. Slowly letting in water, I had invested time in fixing the leaks, however, my last resort was to stick my finger into the last hole. I had a choice. Keep my finger in and go down with the ship, or pull my finger out of the leak and swim to shore.
I swam.

When you spend time performing maintenance for a sinking vessel, any floating object coming along looks attractive. I was weak, fragile and vulnerable. I thought this floatation device would take me to shore or even to new shores. I was wrong. Very wrong. In fact, it took me further out to sea than I could have imagined. I was alone. I was cold. I was lost at sea, without a boat, without a paddle, without a hope. My heart started to drown in the torrent waves that crashed around me. I spent all my energy surviving day upon endless day. My energy depleted. I continued to drown.

I remember one particular night fighting my demons. The night was very long and I was staring out of my sitting room window with the wind howling around. The windows were my old ones, and were flimsy with rotten wood and the thinnest glass you could imagine. Sometimes I wondered whether the windows made any difference because the temperature remained freezing in the winter, yet unbearable in the summer.

On that particular dark night, the wind took the windows and swung them carelessly outwards and then ferociously slam them shut. It was as if it wanted to smash the pane of glass inside. I wondered at the miracle how that never happened.

It was on that particular night, I was smoking out of the window, searching for answers, grappling for a solution that would enable me to move forward. My smoking had become my lifeline. It was a mistake because it would take me years to pull away from the poisonous chains, and yet, I chose that means to cope. I was suddenly very angry. My emotions were raw. I had cried many, many times before, and yet this night was to be the summit. All moments after this time would be moving me forward, they longer would hold me in the past.

I remember looking at the window being tossed this way and that without a cause. I wondered whether this was a sign, or just another pointless act of nature I was trying to misinterpret. I felt suddenly that my window of opportunity was opening and closing and in my search I was ready for it at the wrong moment. I don't really remember the rest of the events of that night. In fact, the alcohol has thankfully anaesthetised many of my lonely moments lost at sea, but I do remember feeling like I was given a light in the dark, one that would lead me back to dry land.
I made it back to land. I wonder to this day how I ever did.

To this day, I cope with the aftermath of the trauma that occurred in small ways. Some days I cope better than others. I carry the scars that remind me, but I also carry the strength that saw me through.

I wonder why this reading has come my way again. This week of all weeks.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable . . . The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers . . . of love is Hell.
C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Private Emotion

Every endless night has a dawning day
Every darkest sky has a shining ray
And it shines on you baby can't you see
You're the only one who can shine for me

It's a private emotion that fills you tonight
And a silence falls between us
As the shadows steal the light
And wherever you may find it
Wherever it may lead
Let your private emotion come to me
Come to me

When your soul is tired and your heart is weak
Do you think of love as one way street
Well it runs both ways, open up your eyes
Can't you see me here, how can you deny

It's a private emotion that fills you tonight
And a silence falls between us
As the shadows steal the light
And wherever you may find it
Wherever it may lead
Let your private emotion come to me
Come to me

Every endless night has a dawning day
Every darkest sky has a shining ray
It takes a lot to laugh as your tears go by
But you can find me here till your tears run dry

It's a private emotion that fills you tonight
And a silence falls between us
As the shadows steal the light
And wherever you may find it
Wherever it may lead
Let your private emotion come to me
Come to me

Ricky Martin & Laura Pausini

Desire

When the desire is too much to bear, we often bury it beneath frenzied thoughts and activities or escape it by dulling our immediate consciousness of living. It is possible to run away from the desire for years, even decades, at a time, but we cannot eradicate it entirely. It keeps touching us in little glimpses and hints in our dreams, our hopes, our unguarded moments.

Even though we sleep, our desire does not. “It is who we are.” We are desire. It is the essence of the human soul, the secret of our existence. Absolutely nothing of human greatness is ever accomplished without it. Desire fuels our search for the life we prize. The same old thing is not enough . It never will be.

Gerald May
(The Awakened Heart)

Entirely

If we could get the hang of it entirely
It would take too long;
All we know is the splash of words in passing
and falling twigs of song,
And when we try to eavesdrop on the great
Presences it is rarely
That by a stroke of luck we can appropriate
Even a phrase entirely.

If we could find our happiness entirely
In somebody else's arms
We should not fear the spears of the spring nor the city's
Yammering fire alarms
But, as it is, the spears each year go through
Our flesh and almost hourly
Bell or siren banishes the blue
Eyes of Love entirely.

And if the world were black or white entirely
And all the charts were plain
Instead of a mad weir of tigerish waters,
A prism of delight and pain,
We might be surer where we wished to go
Or again we might be merely
Bored but in the brute reality there is no
Road that is right entirely.

Louis MacNeice (1907-1963)

Towards light

My poetry is the record of my individual struggle from darkness towards some measure of light.
Dylan Thomas (1914 – 1953)

Relax

Took a ride to the end of the line
Where no one ever goes.
Ended up on a broken train with nobody I know.
But the pain and the (longings) the same.
(Where the dying
Now I'm lost and I'm screaming for help.)

Relax, take it easy
For there is nothing that we can do.
Relax, take it easy
Blame it on me or blame it on you.

It's as if I'm scared.
It's as if I'm terrified.
It's as if I scared.
It's as if I'm playing with fire.
Scared.
It's as if I'm terrified.
Are you scared?
Are we playing with fire?

Relax
There is an answer to the darkest times.
It's clear we don't understand but the last thing on my mind
Is to leave you.
I believe that we're in this together.
Don't scream - there are so many roads left.

Relax, take it easy
For there is nothing that we can do.
Relax, take it easy
Blame it on me or blame it on you.

Relax, take it easy
For there is nothing that we can do.
Relax, take it easy
Blame it on me or blame it on you.

Relax, take it easy
For there is nothing that we can do.
Relax, take it easy
Blame it on me or blame it on you.

Relax, take it easy
For there is nothing that we can do.
Relax, take it easy
Blame it on me or blame it on you.

It's as if I'm scared.
It's as if I'm terrified.
It's as if I scared.
It's as if I'm playing with fire.
Scared.
It's as if I'm terrified.
Are you scared?
Are we playing with fire?

Relax
Relax

Mika

Walking towards the light

Tonight has been long and dark.

I have started to walk towards the light.
I have a long way to go, but I know the direction now.

The way was shown by someone I didnt think would help.
My dad has helped more than he has known.

The first step was the hardest.
I am on my way.

A step

On the other side of darkness, far away there shines a light,
A light to end all sorrow,
A light to be ever free,
A light for a new tomorrow
A light for you and me

On the other side of darkness, far away there shines a light,
A light which gives out joy,
A light which is made of love,
A light which minds employ,
That light in heaven above

On the other side of darkness, far away there shines a light
A light which bathes mans mind
in the wisdom of eternal flame
That which will redeem mankind
And make the highest truths plain

Raja Sivaji

The Darkness

If only it were so simple, to cruise through life smelling roses; but the obstacles blacken the countryside, and we unwittingly crush them beneath our boots. Dreams sustain us through the madness; goals give a finish line to our race. Yet they change with every turn, around every wall, and remain elusive throughout the quest. Mistakes are made, and regrets are our luggage; we will drag them with us to slow us down. The victories are flashes of light, sudden and unlasting, which allow us to glimpse the road ahead before darkness descends. Love is bitter, yet it is the bread that keeps us. Over and over it fills us up, only to starve us. The people whom we love shape our destinies and our strengths, yet leave us cold and alone in the darkness. There are others trying to race to the end; occasionally, we bump into one or two. The bonds we form help us down the path less lonely but eventually, we lose each other in the darkness. Alone is not a bad way to be; it clears your head and focuses you on the journey. Cherish the short intervals during the quest you have with others, but be prepared to walk alone in the darkness. by Christinia

Slow, but enevitable countdown to meltdown.

I can feel it starting - and I am alone.

I want to call different people for help, but dont know who can help me the most.

I am frightened and paniced and overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions.

I feel like the time has come where I have to make a decision, and all I want to do is cry.

I have to make a life changing decision. I have to decide 'yes' or 'no' and its too much for me. I want to stop writing, because this is raw for me and completely honest. My words are coming from the depths and unless I continue writing, I am going to bottle up and walk away.

For some people making a decision is a weighing up of different factors. You sort the pro's from the cons and then the decision should work itself out. You talk it out with a few people and then come up with a decision by yourself. No pressure, no worries.

My innocent molehills are usually transformed into mountains quite easily, so imagine what happenes when I am faced with a mountain. Sheer overwhelming.

Tonight I am supposed to be weighing up my pros and cons. Its quiet and I have the time to do this. However, most of the answers to my options are not here. He is somewhere else. He is already planning his escape route. He is following his heart. And I have to make the decision to follow too.

If it comes down to one option of love, then it wins. I know what it is like to walk in darkness. God only knows what path I took. I searched down craggy and sharp crevasses for light and laughter, and I found it. I feel like a thousand doves taking flight into a clear blue sky when every dark moment is transformed into light.

And yet I feel pain when I question.

I need to decide....

No words

When I have no words...I draw on those of others.

Immortal

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

Evanescence