The Little Bluebird in the Golden Cage

There once was a little bluebird in a golden cage.

It was a beautiful bird with long sapphire blue feathers. It dreamt every day to fly in high up in the white wispy clouds and dreamt every night to feel the wind on her tiny little face. But in reality, she lived in her golden cage from morning till night with just her wonderful dreams to pass the time. In her eyes, you could almost see her dreams, as the blue windows to her soul sparkled with happiness.

The story is coming

Im writing it now...

One step too far by Dido

You can sleep forever
But still you will be tired
You can stay as cold as stone
But still you won't find peace
With you I feel I'm the meek leading the blind
With you I feel I'm just spending wasting time

I've been waiting
I'm still waiting
I've been waiting
I've been waiting
I've been waiting
I'm still waiting
I'm with you (with you)
Its always one step too far
One step too far

You can walk too far
But still you won't be found
You can look down on the world
But still you won't find love
You won't find love

Only with mellow
Are you thin enough to slide through.
If the sun or the moon should give way to doubt,
They would immediately go out.
One swallow don't make a summer,
But tomorrow has to start somewhere.
Only with mellow
Are you thin enough to slide through.
Only with mellow
Are you thin enough to slide through.
Don't Let nothing ride you
Only with mellow
Are you thin enough to slide through.
Don't Let nothing ride you
One swallow don't make a summer.

I've been waiting
I'm still waiting
I've been waiting
I've been waiting
I've been waiting
I'm still waiting
I'm with you (with you)
It's always one step too far
One step too far

Today Coconut flew.

Monday 25th May 2009

Today Coconut flew.

Do you know what it’s like to be picked up by the wind like a dandelion seed? Do you know what it’s like to float on the breeze like a delicate bubble? I do.

I wished I had the words to describe what it feels like.
It’s like breathing in and breathing out at the same time.
It’s like time actually stopping, and past present and future joins together in a beautiful crescendo.

Today was a good day.
Today I flew. Now you can’t understand how this felt like unless you looked at yesterday.

Yesterday was not a good day.

Yesterday I was filled with so much negativity that it encompassed me and tried to drown me. Yesterday I was the coconut again and needed severe hammer and chiselling to stop it from staying closed and to be fully open again. The patience action worked thankfully and things slowly returned back to normal.

I have to tell you though that I am a positive person. I like to see the good in everything (I have been well ridiculed about this in the past). I like to be praised and give praise in abundance. I like to give and receive encouragement. I know how important these things are in building a person into the best person they can possibly be. I also know what it is to be starved of these emotions and what that then creates in you. Confidence is great when you have it, but when you misplace it, it can knock you off track and place you in a tunnel where the light is far from reach. Wise words told me once that ‘negativity breeds negativity’. Doesn’t it just!

And even with all this positivity, there are times when things are just too much. Well they are for me anyhow. A little thought here, another harmless thought there. And before you know it, there are no more little harmless thoughts wandering around. It’s just a big whirlwind of thoughts all be thought at the same time and revolving round and around. This is me during one of my ‘fruit-cake’ moments. I recognise the signs, my feet start twitching and if I am standing up, I am slowly backing myself away until I am against any corner or wall. My words become stuck in my throat and I cant seem to find the words to get them out.

Words are very important and to be able to express them is a great gift. To be understood is great. To understand is a greater gift. I am very lucky to have someone who has a great deal of patience to recognise the signs and defuse them with kindness and love.

Anyway, back to yesterday. It was my first day of flying in the South of France with the temperature around 33oc. Too little water, too little food and too much information. I couldn’t take it all in. Then to top it off, a simple practical task which seemed simple was too much for me. I felt inadequate and unable to it. I had primed myself before hand by reminding myself that it takes me a long time to do something and once I have it, then I’m usually very good. But with all this priming, and being in a new environment and with new people, it wasn’t enough to help. I had failed. I was not perfect. I was no good.

Back to today. The memory of yesterday was starting to creep into today. I was determined that it would not happen. Yes I was really scared, but could I dare to believe that I could do this? Cold I dare to believe in myself that it could be done. I watched the other student’s progress higher up the hill as I the small one waiting lower down for further practise.

With an almighty drag by my teacher, I started running, I ran and ran and my wing lifted up behind me, I carried on running until I was airborne (about 1 metre in the air) and then after turning left, I landed. I did it. I did it. I DID IT...

And then I did it again, and then again. I flew 4 times and was about 5metres above the ground. Now Im not very good at landing yet, and I seem to pull two breaks at the same time (which in paragliding is a HUGE NO) but I did it, and today that is enough.

The day has arrived finally

After waiting for what feels an eternity, today has arrived. no more 'eve eve eve' or 'just Wednesday'. Its here. Leaving Day.

Having the day off and getting an extra hour in bed certainly has made the difference. I survey the flat and wonder why again I have to tidy up. Its like having little pixies who create havoc in the middle of the night. Damn those pixies!

So, everything is ready. Well it is since I packed last Sunday. The thing is I washed various items which have to now stow away int he luggage. Mr W not going to be very happy.

So I hear you ask...'how are you going to fill your car with two paragliders, three people, some compulsory rations and some luggage. Well....I'm not sure, but Im not getting into that. I want to be able to sit tomorrow night outside surveying the wonderful landscape and ponder on what the week will bring. Its funny though, you spend a lot of time being excited about the event you are planning, and sometimes, the event doesn't live up to the anticipation.

I know I'm going to be on my own for most of the time as Mr W and friend will be flying around as they are experienced pilots already. Its me that feels like a baby0bird. Looking out of the nest and wondering what it will be like to fly, but knows that its going to take time. I suppose after being very good at my job, its back to be the inexperienced again. The little one. Sigh.

I know that this is probably the best experience that could happen to me at the moment. Its the unknown. Its out of my comfort zone. Its a risk, but its also trying not to listen to my parents who are filling my head with every worst case scenario that could happen.

All I know is that I don't know what will happen. It will be different and it will be what it will be.

Now enough pondering and get packing.

I'll let you know what happened... :)

Its just Wednesday today...

Paragliding is on Sunday at 9am in the French Alps. So is today Paragliding eve, eve, eve, eve...nope, acoording to Mr W, its just Wednesday...dammit

fed up arguing with him....hhrrmmpppfff

I have a dream

I used to be really great at work.

That's a lie actually...

I used to be brilliant.

Nothing was too much for me, nothing I couldn't do bigger and better than anyone else. I lived to work. Everything I touched turned to gold after some extremely hard graft.

But now...I don't seem to have it in me anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm still really good at what I do. Its not trumpet blowing. I know that I have the ability to do what I do well.

But now, things have started to change. Things I used to be excited about, don't excite me anymore. The prospect of working all weekend doesn't fill me with pride, it fills me with dread. Maybe I have given all I have and maybe I don't have anything left to give. I know its not my age, as I have never let that bother me before. I suppose I have a new dream, and knowing me, once I make my mind up, I wont be satisfied until I get it.

I find myself thinking about new pastures and greener pastures. I know, the grass isn't always greener, but isn't it better to walk barefoot in the slight less greener grass, than to spend a lifetime wondering what things would have been like if you had only made that decision.

Its 6 days till I start my paragliding course. I may love it...I may hate it. Who knows? I know for certain that I will be rubbish at it for a while and then something will click and I will understand. I always understand after a bit of study. Not naturally clever me, have to persevere. I still hear my granny sticking up for me as an 8 year old child.

I have travelled a long way in a year. A year has taken me to places new and exciting and places where I have come to know myself for the first time. The people who have accompanied my journey have helped me to grow and nurtured me and let me be truly me. Who knows where my journey will take me in another year.

I hope to walk in Lemon groves and feel the sunshine on my neck before my loved one kisses me and I turn to smile towards him and be happy how lucky I am...

I have a dream...

Why can't you hiccup bubbles?

What are hiccups? I am a random hiccuper...I can be literally doing nothing and then suddenly out of the blue, I can be hiccuping for a couple of minutes and then it goes away.

The best bit is when I get out of bed with hiccups. That means that I will have hiccups all day. My dad used to say when I was little that every time I hiccuped I grew a tiny little bit...well at 34 years old and 5'4'' , that wonderful story didn't come true...shame...

...which started me thinking why things happen?

I had a dream last night. As dreams go, it was rather weird. I was standing at the top of a very windy and cold large hill with a plastic faded duck as a birdbath and frogspawn all around it (told you it was weird). I had arrived there after some exciting event that had happened in my dream, what I cant remember because the nature of dreams are that you seem to forget their very essence the moment you wake up...why is that? Are they the key to some elixir that we are not meant to know?

Anyhow back to the duck and the frogspawn...something of great importance fell down this hill. I say hill, but it was a sheer decline of about 80%. I knew that this thing that had fallen, I can't remember but it was shaped in a rectangle...a book?...a frame?...I cant remember...I knew that this was very bad news as it was the thing we had come to rescue. I think it was meant to be there as another event would happen as a result of it being there (too much time-travelling reading on my part I think).

I looked down at this hill for sometime and knew logically that I couldn't go down, that the laws of physics were against me. I even saw someone try and fail and tumble to (I think) their apparent death, if not into a million pieces!

Even so, I know that it was important and I knew what my decision had to be. I knew that I had to rescue it whatever the cost. I knew that I had to try. I knew it was up to me. I went to move...

...and then in my dream I felt arms from behind me grab me around my waist to stop me...

...and I woke up and felt arms behind me grab me around my waist...

I had woken up from my dream at the exact moment I was about to jump...

I had been woken from my dream by the man who shares my love and my life.

The same man who looks into my eyes and makes me feel that no words need to be said. That everything is understood, that emotions are synchronised...it is in that exact moment that I know I have everything I need.

The path that led me here has not been easy or well lit and there were many tunnels. But waking up and seeing the man whom you love with all of your heart and who you know loves you back with the same intensity makes any tasks worthwhile.

One can put up with a thousand demons for the sake of an angel...

My Sister

My sister is amazing.

I have such love and awe of her strength that any strength that I have pails into insignificance of the strength that she has.

I look back to the girl she once was and the woman she once was, and it is different to the person I see today.

I see not only strength, but sacrifice. I see passion, I see good, I see a mother, I see a woman, a warrior, a fighter, I see my sister, and i love her for everything that she was, is and will be...

She is my sister...she is one half of me...

Having a cold sucks!

AAAATTTIIISSSCCCHHOOOO...ah...crap

With one week to go to France paragliding I seem to have caught the slightly less pandemic flu strain of 'kid-flu' occupational hazard I suppose.

I also seemed to have aquired apathy and lethargy as added extras. I seem to have just enough effort to go and whinge next to BF who is playing guitar hero...my...head....

So no running today. I went yesterday. I am on week 6 which is phase 2.-2 minutes of running and 2 minutes of walking. Man alive it was hard, but worth it as when I came back and had another argument with my scales I decided to measure myself instead and found I have lost an inch off most of the places I have measured...how cool is that! Damn those scales!!!

Back to the paragliding. Have now ordered a helmet, have all my clothes, lots of mini travel shampoos etc and all I need now is Euros.

I am quite excited and am looking forward to it. I actually have no idea what I am doing, Ive read a bit of a book, but I dont think its going to prepare me for what it will actually be like. Last July I went on a tandem flight and I cant even describe the peace and beauty and awe of it all. BF has been great about it all, especially driving to Brighton last weekend just for me to try on a flying suit that I didnt even buy.

So... with a week left to go, I catch a cold and have been told to get better and that BF does not want to be infected by it...charming...he has a point though. Driving 10 hours to the south of France next weekend and I dont want to be coughing and sneezing all of the way. Isnt it typical though!

Im going to drink my hot honey and lemon tea now and be a good patient...ahem...

2 weeks left dun...dun....DAHHHHH

Ok...ok...two weeks to go till the big day...

I now have my paragliding trousers (2 pairs), three jackets (all in varying coldness design), ear muffs, sunglasses, boots, (spare boots) a variety of hoodies/jumpers/vests that I have accumalated and two rucksacks.

Now all I need is a helmet.

How I am going to get all of this into a bag I have NO idea. I think Im going to start packing next weekend!!