How do you stop from paniking?

Ok, I have to stay focused...getting cross or upset doesn't help.

There are just so much to do before we leave that I dont know how everything is going to get done!
I know it will...it will just have to.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting here procrastinating. I packing every flipping night!!
Packing this and that here.
Packing everything at work.
Thinking about where to store my work stuff.
Thinking where to store my flat stuff.
All that, as well as thinking what to take for the adventure, making sure I get a leg wax and go to a wedding all before August 2nd!!!

I shake my head at all the craziness of it all, in the knowledge that all will be well.
Thanks Julian of Norwich! 'All will be well, and all will be well and all manner of things will be well'.
I don't think she was packing when she said those immortal lines!

The Shack

Oh my goodness...pure raw emotion....

I don't think I have ever burst into tears mid way reading a book...but I have now.

I started reading a book I didn't really want to read. I have been avoiding it for a while now. As much as I know things happen in this world, there are some things I don't really want to read about. Murder is one of them.

This book has been following me around now for quite a while. I would actually see it everywhere I went. In bookshops, in non bookshops. It was almost stalking me.

And so, I gave in, sort of.
I decided I would buy this book for a friend of mine. A sort of leaving present as I am leaving my job after 7 years. A good present I thought.

I snuck a peak inside it on Sunday. I thought, seriously, how scary could this book be? A book about a man whose daughter gets brutally murdered in a shack and then 3 years later gets a note inviting him back there....well, for those who know me, those stories kinda frighted me. If its not about fairies and bubbles, I don't want to know. Its hard, especially as Mr Pilot loves all things horror-esque. (Sorry honey, wont be writing any of those stories on our travels!)

Anyway back to the book.

How is it possible that a piece of writing can wring out your emotions so much. I have always been one to slip into my imagination and watch the narrative unfurl before my eyes. Never have I started reading a tears drop from my eyes like a clock ticking. The turning point was when I was reading and a word popped into my mind. Gwiazda. Now, I'm used to words in Spanish and English popping into my mind, but never in Polish. I am obviously learning the language by osmosis.

A thought crossed my mind in a matter of seconds.
Stars.
I have always loved them.
More specifically...shooting stars.

I remember one night a few years ago, waiting and watching, looking out into the dark night convincing myself that I only had to watch and wait I would see one.
I didn't.

I always remember that night. It reminded me that when you wish for something, it may take time to happen. No, I didn't see shooting stars that night, or even the night after, but fast forward two years, and standing in the middle of the Spanish countryside with my love, I not only saw one, I saw lots!! They came, and they were shared. I felt a crescendo of emotion.

Anyway, back to the book.
After having this weird word appear in my head, I started to think about shooting stars. Within a minute I was reading about them.
My heart leapt.
Coincidence?
Maybe.
Destiny?
Who knows.

All I know is this book has stirred waters inside of me that I didn't imagine.
A book that I had been avoiding for a very long time, turned out to be something that I will treasure for a long time.

How does this resonate with my life today?
Well, I'm having serious pangs about leaving the comfort of my flat, my job, my family and friends and the life I have built for myself.
I am setting off into the unknown.
When I started reading my book yesterday I was setting into the unknown.
And at the end of that journey it made all the difference.
So I suppose, that book has been stalking me for a very good purpose. It has taught me what I need to know today.
Leap and you will be caught.
I am ready to leap...

http://theshackbook.com

Writing a journal

I have written a journal since I started university in 1995. It was mainly a small book with a collection of poems and a few of my own.

Fast forward 15 years later and I have two boxes filled with my journals. They have a variety of different things inside them. I went through phases of sticking in receipts and tickets and a variety of what-nots. Then they included photos and then they included cards. I suppose, it is a journey of my life rather than a journal. I don't write personal details in it, its not like a diary, but it certainly allows me to show my heart on a page.

Then I found out about blogging and the journalling and journeying continue.
I suppose it helps me make sense of things in the dark.

I enjoy finding people who do the same.

http://www.ourlivesourstories.com/

Being vunerable on the page

Writers expose more of themselves than any other artists. When we write about what matters to us, we unveil our deepest feelings. Sometimes even to ourselves and often when we least expect it. When we write about human frailties, we are writing about the fragile scraps of ourselves. Our words tell more than the truth about what we're writing,they also tell us the truth about us.

By Judy Reeves p107

http://www.judyreeveswriter.com/

SHOES!!!!

When you decide to rent your flat, its a very strange feeling when someone comes around whilst you're still in it to view it. I tried to pretend I wasn't here, but my mouth had other ideas!

Its not that I don't want it, I just want someone to help me pay the mortgage so I can go off and travel. Its not that I don't love it anymore, its just that I want someone to look after it. And I suppose that's my problem, I want someone to look after it.

But they stood in my flat with shoes on...I mean SHOES!!! No one walks with shoes ever in this flat, especially after I bought a cream carpet two years ago, which is still in great condition. And they walked into the bedroom! WITH SHOES!!!

I think its better if next time I go outside. The trauma of it all is just too much.

Image courtesy of www.dailyclipart.net

Note to self: You must read this

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/6-timeless-principles-to-deal-with-resistance-and-excel-in-life/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+tinybuddha+%28tinybuddha%29&utm_content=Yahoo!+Mail

Choosing to Love

Choosing love will open spaces of immense beauty and joy for you, but you will be hurt.
You already know this.

You have retreated from love countless times in your life because of it. We all have.

We have been and will be hurt by the loss of loved ones, by what they have done to us and we to them. Even in the bliss of love there is a certain exquisite pain: the pain of too much beauty, of overwhelming magnificence.

Further, no matter how perfect a love may be, it is never really satisfied . . . In both joy and pain, love is boundless.

Gerald May, The Awakened Heart

My Photography

Sudden Light

I have been here before,
But when or how I cannot tell:
I know the grass beyond the door,
The sweet keen smell
The sighing sound, the lights around the shore.

You have been mine before,—
How long ago I may not know:
But just when at that swallow's soar
Your neck turned so,
Some veil did fall,—I knew it all of yore.

Has this been thus before?
And shall not thus time's eddying flight
Still with our lives our love restore
In death's despite,
And day and night yield one delight once more?

Then, now,—perchance again! . . . .
O round mine eyes your tresses shake!
Shall we not lie as we have lain
Thus for Love's sake,
And sleep, and wake, yet never break the chain?

Dante Gabriel Rossetti (1828-1882)

nie żałuję.

Że nie dałaś mi mamo zielonookich snów.
That you didn't give me, mom, greeneyed dreams.
Nie, nie żałuję.
No, I don't regret.
Że nie znałam klejnotów ni koronkowych słów.
That I didn't know jewelery or laces words.
Nie żałuję.
I don't regret.
Że nie mówiłaś mi, jak szczęście kraść spod lady,
That you didn't tell me how to still luck,
i nie uczyłaś mnie życiowej maskarady.
and you didn't teach me life's masquerade.
Pieszczoty szarej tych umęczonych dni, nie żal mi,
Cares of those grey martyred days, I don't regret,
nie żal mi.
I don't regret.

Nie, nie żałuję.
No, I don't regret.
Przeciwnie, bardzo ci dziękuję, kochana,
In opposite, thank you very much darling,
żeś mi odejść pozwoliła, po to, bym żyła tak jak żyłam.
for this that you let me go, so I could live as I lived.


Że nie dałeś mi szczęścia, pierścionka ani psa.
That you didn't give me happiness, ring or dog.
Nie żałuję.
I don't regret.
Że nie dzwonisz po nocach: kochanie, tak to ja.
That you don't call me at night: honey, it's me.
Nie żałuję.
I don't regret.
Że nie załatwisz mi posady sekretarki,
That you will not settle me in secretary job,
i że nie noszę twojej szarej marynarki.
and that I will not wear your grey jacket.
Że patrzysz na mnie jak teatralny widz,
That you look at me as theater viewer,
to nic, to nic.
it's nothing, it's nothing.
Nie, nie żałuję.
No, I don't regret.
Przeciwnie, bardzo ci dziękuję, kochanie,
In opposite, thank you very much darling,
za to, że jesteś królem karo,
you are the king of diamonts,
że jesteś zbrodnią mą i karą.
you are my crime and punishment.

Że w tym kraju przeżyłam tych parę trudnych lat.
That I spent in this country few difficult years.
Nie żałuję.
I don't regret.
Że na koniec się dowiem: ot, tak się toczy świat.
That at the end I will known: well, this is how it is.

Nie żałuję.
I don't regret.
Że nie załatwią mi urlopu od pogardy,
That I will have no holidays from contempt
i że nie zwrócą mi uśmiechu jak kokardy.
and they will not give me back my smile.



Pieszczoty szarej tych umęczonych dni, nie żal mi,
Cares of those grey martyred days, I don't regret,
nie żal mi.
I don't regret.

Nie, nie żałuję.
No, I don't regret.
Przeciwnie, bardzo ci dziękuję, mój kraju,
In opposite, thank you very much my country,
za jakiś czwartek, jakiś piątek, jakiś wtorek,
for any Thursday, Friday, any Tuesday,
i za nadziei cały worek.
and for the whole bag of hope.
Nie, nie żałuję.
No, I don't regret.
Przeciwnie, bardzo ci dziękuję,
in opposite, thank you very much,
za to, że jesteś moim krajem,
that you are my country,
że jesteś piekłem mym i rajem.
that you are my hell and heaven.
Nie żałuję.
I don't regret.
Nie żałuję.
I don't regret.
Nie żałuję.
I don't regret.

Agnieszka Osiecka

Lost Summers

There is too much rain washing away experience,
I must remember summer.
Lying under hedgerows,
Paper pink-for-a-day dogroses,
The blanched mouths of June eager for love,
Ripe grass, green, dark with bruises,
Down on your cheek, fuzzed gold with sunshine.
Astonishingly cool smoothness of skin,
The small rake's teeth of eyelashes,
Kisses, gentle as slow running water,
I must remember summer.

Robert Sparrow

Nearly the end of the Year

How did that happen?

It just January a minute ago? I was flipping freezing and needed a hat, gloves and scarf, and now just the thought of them makes you hot.

January was a HUGE turning point for me. I actually started to think about how unhappy I was with a lot of things. Fast forward 7 months and I am packing my socks off!

I am also reaching the end of two things that have meant a great deal to me.
1. My photography class
2. My writing class

Although my photography class has only been in my life for the past 8 weeks, I have learnt a lot. I remember a couple of nights before my first class, my boyfriend decided to tell me what he knows (which is actually quite a lot). I remember thinking 'I am never going to remember all of this', but do you know, I have! I know I have to practise a great deal, but I suppose travelling will help.

My writing class however, has been a very big part of my life, and tomorrow will be the last session. It makes me sad, but I remember walking into that class last September, and being in complete awe at all these people who were obviously so good at writing! By the end of the year, people have come and people have gone. It has been brilliant to listen to every one's writing and I feel privileged to be part of this group.

So, although I will be saying goodbye to these very brilliant people, I hope that they will continue to stay in touch. I look forward to hearing all about their next steps, because for me, they have touched my life, and I am very grateful to every single one of them. :)