This is part of my story.
It is not a simple one, and neither is the story that you have.
It is filled with ups and downs and swings and roundabouts.
"Sometimes you're up and sometimes you're down, and sometimes you're just going around and around."Sometimes in the world we live in, if we are lucky enough to catch the moment, we receive something unexpected. It may be when you are least expecting it. It can happen in the opening of a door, or a phone call. Mostly it happens in the unexpected moments of the day. The most ordinary.
I wish I could tell you when and where my life changed. I feel that it is based on a series of unexpected events that have pushed me through the most happiest and the most painful of times.
Like the time... I met my oldest sister. She is me, but we are not born of the same family. We met whilst on an unexpected walk we were both on as part of a group. We walked through bluebells (and not bluebirds as I thought I heard!!!) She told me I was like a dragon breathing fire inside a small box at everyone that came near me. She knew that after an hour's walk! What else could she know. In the two years that I have known her, she has been one of my most valued voices in my heart and I love her.
Like the time... my little sister threatened to drive for over an hour with her two small children if needs be and come and kick my ass if I didn't pick up the phone. I had ignored all calls from everyone all evening and enough was enough in her eyes. I knew I had pushed her too far, and I knew. I know she would walk over hot coals for me.
Like the time...I met my love. I
wasnt planning for what I have now, although I wished it with all my heart. From the first 'fruit-cake' moment when I wanted to fly, he grounded me. Which is completely ironic as he is a pilot and loves to fly. I don't have any words to tell him the love that I have for him, yet I know that he know, I look into his eyes and I am his and I am safe and I have all that I need at this moment in time. I sigh and so does he. All is well.
Many paths that we are on we don't choose, they are given to us. Some are born out of family and some out of circumstances. Many, if we have a choice, we wouldn't take. But take them we must. Sometimes the journey is good and sometimes, for a while, it can be nothing but pain and torture, but past that past, and looking back, we can learn a lot from it.
I remember a time when the thought of coming home made me cry, when I would look out of the window many nights in succession and question so many of my thoughts and actions and have so many regrets. I sit in the same home now a different person. How did I get here? The same four walls do not contain the same things inside. The treasure chest has a new treasure inside.
I have been blessed with a few people that have helped me through my journey so far. I know I still have far to go, but I have come even further to this point in time today.
My journey is mine and mine alone to take. I am the only person who has to make this journey. No one else can say the words that I need to say, no one else can breathe in the happiness that I have. Its all down to me. I know that now, and that has been a really hard lesson to learn.
The people who accompany my journey, do so because I allow them to, and believe me, I have been rubbish at allowing people close to me. I have made decisions based on an action or a person or a situation and then chose to project that on anybody else coming close to me.
But that is not who I am today. The people who have been their for me are few and far between, not because there wasn't an abundance, but because I did not allow them to be close enough to touch me. I was the fire-breathing dragon. I saw letting people in as a weakness, as a vulnerability. You let people in, they know too much, they have the power to hurt you.
I have learned that no one has the power to hurt you unless you let them. Nobody can guarantee you in life that you wont get hurt, but as part of your story, it makes you a better person.
The people who have helped me through 'the tunnel' as I call it, I ask myself what made them keep me company throughout the journey I have made. My younger sister, does she have to because she is my blood? My older sister, does she have to because she sees in me something I cannot? My trusted and dearest friends who started out as colleagues and changed into my dearest friends? My love who in the blink of the eye can recognise if I am quiet, and although that frightens me in so many ways, it fills my very being with more love than I can ever imagine and I feel safe and its OK.
These people did not save me. I am not who I am today because of these people. I am who I am today because I let these people walk with me and hold my hand. No one could do or say the things I had to say. But because they held my hand, they helped me to do all the things I needed to do. They gave me speech when I didn't have any words, they gave me wind so I could fly, they gave me tissues and food and patience and all the countless things that they thought was nothing, but meant the world to me.
This is the treasure in my heart.
And so, as I am making plans for the future, I know I have so much more inside my heart.
I am not who I was...I am who I am today.
My story is not over...it is only beginning...
