How predictable

The adverts are on again.

Give up smoking, look after your tummy, lose weight, do this, do that, New Year - New You.
Cobblers! I have had enough!

What is it with consumerism. They are full of promises, but actually deliver very little. They are after your money and worst of all, your dignity. They set you up to fail. Which is what they want. There is no money to be made if we all succeeded and gave up smoking and ate well.

Everything is such a quick fix. Give up smoking with patches. Swallowing pills to lose weight, or even worse eating as less as possible. Detoxing, this diet, that diet.

No one want to know the truth, that it takes time. That you start with day 1 and then move to day 2 and then day 3. Its not attractive. Its not now. Everyone wants it now, or even better, yesterday!

I know people would be less inclined to do something if the advert ran like this:
Give up smoking today and be prepared for a really crappy few weeks, you will want to kill everybody probably. You will be cross and shout for no reason and will want to smoke anything or anybody given half the chance....god luck with that!

No, adverts don't work this way. Failure is good for business and then you can complain about it, have a low self-worth, eat more, drink and smoke more and repeat the cycle of low self esteem which makes you feel a failure and so therefore the cycle completes another round.

Why are people not strong enough? Why do we give into temptation at the first whim? Why do the box of chocolates seem to taste so sweet but leave a bitter aftertaste of guilt?

Thank goodness I cant eat any of those things anymore. I thought that dairy was the only thing aggravating my asthma, truth it, its most things. I gave up on soya and margarine about 3 weeks ago. I don't have so much coughing nowadays. I did eat some sheep cheese at my sisters a few days ago, and was coughing so much. Ive learnt my lesson. So the chocolate boxes don't tempt me. But they still look at me...they try to persuade me. They try to tempt me into me making the decision.

Oh...you ate us...it was you who chose, not us, we didnt jump into your mouth did we...you just haven't got enough will power...oh well...whilst youre herre, you might as well have another one...Brazil nut and toffee?

And so, I sit here again against the warmth of the radiator and wonder if I have the willpower? Am I a person who wants a quick fix? Do I want it yesterday?

Love for me dripped gradually into my life. I didn't expect it, or even nurture it at the beginning. There are times I run to it, and there are times I run from it. Yet a year and a half later, I wonder how it all started and what decisions I made leading up to it. It is hard sometimes and yet sometimes it is all very easy. However, it did not come quickly. It wouldn't have worked quickly. I truly felt pursued. It was a brilliant story. Its our story and I think about it often. I wonder what I have to give? And what he gives me. We are so very different that it frightens me. I have to not think about it or I start to run.

So, quick fixes, no thank you. Give me the slow, pursuing moments which unravel poetically. Give me the pain and the tears as they water my soul and makes me grow. Give me the night, for I know day arrives soon. Give me the slow and long path, for every step takes me nearer to where I want to go. Day 1 - I know I am worth it.

Can you meet me half way?

I can't go any further then this
I want you so badly, it's my biggest wish

I spent my time just thinkin thinkin thinkin bout you
Every single day yes, i'm really missin' missin' you
And all those things we use to use to use to do
Hey girl, wuz up, it use to be just me and you
I spent my time just thinkin thinkin thinkin bout you
Every single day, yes i'm really missin missin you
And all those things we use to use to use to do
Hey girl wuz up, wuz up, wuz up, wuz up

Meet me halfway, right at the boarderline
That's where i'm gonna wait, for you
I'll be lookin out, night n'day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where i'll stay
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish

Girl,i travel round the world and even sail the seven seas
Across the universe I go to other galexies
Just tell me where you want, just tell me where you wanna to meet
I navigate myself myself to take me where you be
Cause girl I want, i, i, I want you right now
I travel uptown (town) I travel downtown
I wanna to have you around (round) like every single day
I love you alway..way

Can you meet me half way (I'll meet you halfway)
Right at the boarderline
That's where i'm gonna wait, for you
I'll be lookin out, night n'day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where i'll stay
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish

Let's walk the bridge, to the other side
Just you and I (just you and I)
I will fly, i'll fly the skies, for you and I (for you and I)
I will try, until I die, for you and i, for you and i, for for you and i,
For for you and i, for for you and i, for you and i

Can you meet me half way (yup yup)
Can you meet me half way (yup yup)
Can you meet me half way (yup yup)
Can you meet me half way (yup yup)
Meet me half way, right at the boarderline
That's where i'm gonna wait, for you
I'll be lookin out, night n'day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where i'll stay
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish

Black Eyed Peas

What do I need?

I need restoration.

I need an intimate counsel, and I know that counseling leads to deep restoration.

I have issues in my heart that need speaking to. Some of my wounds were enough to break my heart, they created a rift in my soul, and so I need healing as well.

I need someone strong enough to walk me into it— sometimes through the help of another person who can listen, sometimes with someone alone.

I need someone to lead me away, to a quiet place, to restore my soul.

My first choice is to go there—to slow down, unplug, accept the invitation to come aside. I won’t find healing in the midst of the Matrix.

I need time.

This often comes on the heels of issues being raised in my heart or after I've just relived an event that takes us straight to that broken place, or waking as I did to a raw emotion.

When we are in his presence, removed from distractions, we are able to hear him more clearly, and a secure environment has been established for the broken places in our hearts to surface.

Adapted from John Eldredge - Waking the dead

If you only have a...

"If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail."

Abraham Maslow

The Journey

“Whether we realize it or not,we are always on a spiritual journey-even when we feel most lost.”

Frank Warren

The Strength of a Castle

However strong a castle may be, if a treacherous party resides inside (ready to betray at the first opportunity possible), the castle cannot be kept safe from the enemy.

Traitors occupy our own hearts, ready to side with every temptation and to surrender to them all.

John Owen, Sin and Temptation

Thank Goodness For This

Thank goodness I have somewhere to write and to express all the fruit-cakey moments that seem to appear at random moments.

I was told today by my love that hopefully going home to see my family for Christmas would un-fruit me, either that, or they would turn me to jam! (You had to be there).

What has caused this this time? Well, its a bit like a dripping tap. One drop here, another drop there, or 'tutai e tam' (I did a 2 hour Polish Lesson on my MP3 today).

I havent been well. It hasnt really done a lot for my self esteem. Ive been very low for a while now and been a bit lost. I need to discover who I am.

And it always seems to boil down to one word.
Rejection.

I know, I know, it seems silly writing this. I am far from rejected. Its the potential rejection. I know I am loved and liked. I try to be a good person, and like most people, sometimes this is true and sometimes its not. Im not perfect. (Wow a lot of therapy to admit to that one!!)

Its just that there have been little moments over the past month that have tried to tell me that Im not enough. Im almost ashamed to admit it. I cant reach what I want to reach. I try and try, but I just cant. Im not enough.

How many times have I got to tell myself that this is not true? It comes to me in a whisper. Im not crazy - Im not hearing voices. It just comes into my thoughts and then I start to believe it. Its very subtle and before I know it, I have exploded. Im like a little party-popper with fruit-cake inside and then I explode for no reason. Its weird because by then, its like I have detached myself from my body and Im watching from the other side of the room and watching myself whilst I shake my head.

And then it happens. Its a very small moment. The cake time-bomb is lit. I have the power to diffuse it quickly, but sometimes there is a spark and it just goes. And the thing is, it makes me feel angry. It makes me feel sad and lonely, but most of all it makes me exhausted. I end up falling into my love's arms sobbing with shame and its done again and then Im just quiet. I have to breathe and reboot and hope it doesnt happen again. Its getting better. But because I am new to this, new to letting it out and not keeping it in, its taking me time to learn and relearn. I will get there one day!

And so I am home with my family for the Christmas holidays. I love them and they make me feel safe and happy. And when I am sitting next to the radiator, as I am whilst Im writing this, everything seems well.

And Im sorry. Im very sorry...

Reasons

The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of

Blaise Pascal
1623-1662

Ready...steady...go.

My lover speaks

My lover speaks;
he says to me,
“Arise, my beloved,
my beautiful one,
and come!”

Song of Songs 2:10

Window of the soul

Life’s dim window of the soul distorts the heavens from pole to pole,
and leads you to believe a lie,
when you see with,
not through,
the eye.

William Blake

What is?

What is fear?
Is it the unexpected that may happen?
Is it what you hope not to happen?
Is it a ticking timebomb?
Is it slow to cook, slow to grow, slow to appear?

What is happiness?
Is it the unexpected that may happen?
Is it what you hope not to happen?
Is it a ticking timebomb?
Is it slow to cook, slow to grow, slow to appear?

What is love?
Is it the unexpected that may happen?
Is it what you hope not to happen?
Is it a ticking timebomb?
Is it slow to cook, slow to grow, slow to appear?

What is life?
Is it the unexpected that may happen?
Is it what you hope not to happen?
Is it a ticking timebomb?
Is it slow to cook, slow to grow, slow to appear?

Just Like Heaven

Show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream he said
The one that makes me laugh he said
And threw his arms around my neck
Show me how you do it
And I promise you I promise that
I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you

Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed his face and kissed his head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make him glow
Why are you so far away? he said
Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you
That I'm in love with you

You, soft and only
You,lost and lonely
You, strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream
You're just like a dream

Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe his name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only boy I loved
And drowned him deep inside of me

You, soft and only
You, lost and lonely
You, just like heaven

You, soft and only
You, lost and lonely
You, just like heaven

Katie Melua

Rubbish

Having a cold is rubbish.

Its not the sniffing or blocked up nose. Its not the countless tissues which I have to rub my red nose sore. Its not even the headaches. Its the lack of energy and general tiredness.

And after a week...Im bored of it

Where the wild things are...

The anaesthetic is wearing off again.

My existence is numbing my life.

Is this a sudden epiphany or a long awaited revelation?

It all started this morning...well actually it started a lot longer ago, but this morning I resumed the story.

I was awake at 6.45am and I was thirsty. Not physically, but emotionally. I have had a lot on my mind at the moment,which for me is nothing more than a wonder. How could I possibly have more on my mind? You see. I always have things on my mind, so it fair to say that I am concentrating my thought on an aspect in particular.

My thoughts are like a multitude of conveyor belts wheeling in countless thoughts, all unrelated and mostly random, in various directions, at varying speeds, all around me during every waking moment and every night I sleep. My dreams, however, are the ones I cannot control.

Anyway, back to the thirst.

I wanted to read something. I was thirsty for something. Thirsty for something in particular. I needed some kind of knowledge that would turn the key and give me the answer for the churning thoughts. They are always with me, they never leave. They may rest for a while and then as if a wind has picked them up and whirled them in front of my eyes and then we are introduced once more.

As I have experienced more, I have decided, on various occasions, to leave many of my thoughts to one side. There are some that do not serve to accompany me through my life. They contain small poison arrows which splinter my heart and whisk me away to the barren and hopeless land where no one should ever tread. I have walked there. It's is not for hearts like mine.

Some thoughts I know are counter-productive. I don not have the answer to them at this time, in this place. They are like small fruit seeds thoughts that I demand to bear fruit. Their time has not yet come, and so I wait and see what fruit they will provide. Waiting cannot be overcome by wanting. Time is time, and time will have to pass.

And then there are my dandelion thoughts. They whirl and dash and float and glide. They come and go and come an go.

So, finding myself in the midst of these thoughts, I wanted something else. I needed something else.

I looked upon my bookshelf. On the shelves live many a bound book full of secrets, full of life. I found a book that I have read before. Maybe ten years ago. Maybe more, but definitely not less. My pencil underlinings gave myself away. The countless pages I had marked. The countless pages I had left as a message to myself in case I forgot. I did forget.

I learnt so much about myself, my actions, my reactions. In fact, I had enough information in my hands to defeat any problems I had or would ever have.

So what happened? I became inebriated by life. The normalness of doing everyday things grabbed me again and anaesthetised me. I became happy with the birdcage from within.

Over and over again, this is how it happens:
a) Problem occurs. Much soul searching follows and revelation concludes.
b) Determination is made to change and continue on a different path.
c) I wake up and find much time has passed and I have found myself both asleep and no further along the path.

How does this keep happening? I awake to find myself none the wiser and then it repeats itself. Why do I forget? What makes me forget?

I feel like Neo from the Matrix. Something bigger than this, bigger than me, is going on. Something is keeping me here chained to my life, inebriated by my failures and my thoughts and my memories. Numb by the fear of what is to come. I am making excuses for staying in this prison cell, this birdcage, this anomaly.

It is snowing, but it is not settling. And neither will I.

This time. I'm going to stay awake!

love
made
make
man
many
may
more
much
must
name

If I could have just one wish,
I would wish to wake up everyday
to the sound of your breath on my neck,
the warmth of your lips on my cheek,
the touch of your fingers on my skin,
and the feel of your heart beating with mine...
Knowing that I could never find that feeling
with anyone other than you.

- Courtney Kuchta –

Entirely

If we could get the hang of it entirely
It would take too long;
All we know is the splash of words in passing
and falling twigs of song,
And when we try to eavesdrop on the great
Presences it is rarely
That by a stroke of luck we can appropriate
Even a phrase entirely.

If we could find our happiness entirely
In somebody else's arms
We should not fear the spears of the spring nor the city's
Yammering fire alarms
But, as it is, the spears each year go through
Our flesh and almost hourly
Bell or siren banishes the blue
Eyes of Love entirely.

And if the world were black or white entirely
And all the charts were plain
Instead of a mad weir of tigerish waters,
A prism of delight and pain,
We might be surer where we wished to go
Or again we might be merely
Bored but in the brute reality there is no
Road that is right entirely.

Louis MacNeice (1907-1963)

A Dream Within A Dream

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow—
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream:
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand—
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep
While I weep—while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

Edgar Allan Poe

I was rescued today.

I put the key into the lock and I could feel the tears coming. Unitl now, I wasnt actually going to cry. I was just angry. I spent the past 5 minutes getting more cross by the steps I was taking. But then once home, the tears came.

It was not the end of the world. It wasnt even the end of anything actually. I felt though that I had been beaten. The battle had beaten me and now I was going home defeated.

'They are ruined!' was all I managed to say as I cried into his t-shirt and leave a shroud of turin mark where I had sobbed. 10 minutes earlier I had left with a smile on my face, and here I was returning raining tears across my saddened face.

I had gone out for a run and after a few steps realised that the stictch I had in my side was going to be a pain for the whole of my run. I would try and ignore it for as much as I could and not turn around so easily. Then a puddle, and then two faced my on my path. Bravely, or so I thought, I went onto the grass. It must be drier I thought...well...

the more I went into the grassy haven, the more I realised that the green carpet was soaked, and every step I took, took me further into the ocean of mud and sludge and wet.

I couldnt turn back as it was wet where I came and so I thought I would keep going to get around the puddle. Big mistake. My trainers started to capsize and then started to sink. My feet squelched, the two-pairs of socks armour did nothing to protect it. My run was over. I was defeated. I emerged back onto the path and stomped home. The problem was made a thousand times worse, because they are my new trainers, and I spent a lot of money on them, and so you see they are ruined.

However, after peeling off my socks and wiping away my frustrated tears, I see my love shoving tissues in them to soak up the demon water and pull the laces out which are now sodden with mud. He stops everything he is doing. He rescued me. He made me feel safe, he made me feel calm. He wiped the worry lines from my brow with a simple yet effective hug. It is not ruined. It gave me a chance to see my love as a mender. He mended my problem. He mended my heart. He mends my sorrows and he even mended the heater that was broken!! And I love him - he knows that. Not just for today. But for every day.

All is not ruined.
My trainers are being mended and are drying out under the heater.
All is well.

Is there?

Is there a story in me? I feel there is one in you.

Is there a voice in me? I think there is one in you.

Is there a passion in my eyes? I can see some in yours.

Is there a way to tell you? I know you know that too.

Nature's Law

I tried to fight the feeling, the feeling took me down,
I struggled and I lost the day you knocked me out,
Now everything’s got meaning and meanings bring me down,
I’m watching as a screening of my life plays out.

Every day I fight these feelings,
For your sake I will hide the real thing,
You can run all your life, all mine I will chase...

You should never fight your feelings,
When your very bones believe them,
You should never fight your feelings,
You have to follow nature’s law.

I’ll live with never knowing, if knowing’s gonna change,
I’ll stop the feeling growing, I will stay away,
Like a broken record stuck before a song,
A million beginnings, none of them the one.

Every day I fight these feelings,
For your sake I will hide the real thing,
You can run all your life, all mine I will chase...

You should never fight your feelings,
When your very bones believe them,
You should never fight your feelings,
You have to follow nature’s law.

I wrote her letters and tried to send them,
In a bottle I placed my hope,
An SOS full of good intentions
sinking,will you give it to me,don’t make me wait,
You build me up, knocked me down,
But I will stand my ground,
And guard this light that I’ve found.

You should never fight your feelings,
When your very bones believe them,
If you let them show, you’ll keep them
I know you hurt, but soon you'll rise again, again, again....


You should never fight your feelings,
When your very bones believe them,
You should never fight your feelings,
You have to follow nature’s law.

Lyrics - Embrace

Overflowing

Once I was an empty glass.

I began to fill up, but it would only go so far.

Then I began to drain and as hard as I could, I couldn't replace the contents inside.

I was thirsty and nothing could quench me.

I was empty.

I now am a full glass.

I find myself filling up so many times.

I am full.

What is love?

Is it a truth?
Or is it a fear?
Is it a rose to for my valentine?
What is love?

Is it only words?
I'm trying to find?
Or is it the way,that we're feeling now?
What is love?



If love is truth,then let it break my heart.
If love is fear,lead me to the dark.
If love is a game,I'm playing all my cards.
What is love?

A pain or a cure?
A science of faith?
A reason to fall to your knees and die?
What is love?

If love is truth,then let it break my heart.
If love is fear,lead me to the dark.
If love is a game,I'm playing all my cards.
What is love?

Only you can save me now.
Only you can heal me now.
Only you can show me now,
what is love.

Or is it a truth?
Or is it a fear?
Is it a rose for my valentine?
What is love?
What is love?

Lyrics by Take That

Something different

Something different happened today.

I didn't run...I didn't hide. If only you knew how much I wanted to hide my voice and close the door.

And yet it seems almost unreal that I sit here writing when only a few hours ago I was crying in the depths of despair with no light at the end of the tunnel.

What did I do differently?

I made a choice. I made the step, I opened my mouth.

I found that the words came slow at first, but then they came.

I went through denial, anger, depression and acceptance in the space of an hour. Most importantly I didn't stop to give up. I was tired and I wanted to, but I didn't. Its amazing what a cuddle can do to make things better again.

I had a bad day at work. Actually because I bring my work home with me, its hard to see where the work finishes and life begins. I suppose it goes with my job. I have done it for years and I see myself working myself into the ground if I am not careful. Being a perfectionist is a dangerous job unless you recognise it has to stop.

When I give 100% at my work and am told it is not good enough, I know then that it is impossible then to succeed there. I know I am very good at what I do, I know I dont need anyone telling me this. It has been a hard struggle to learn this, but learn this I have.

I know that all these bad days remind me of something else I am striving for. I am striving for a place with peace and understanding. A people place..

A People Place
If this is not a place where tears are understood, Where do I go to cry?
If this is not a place where my spirits can take wing, Where do I go to fly?
If this is not a place where my questions can be asked, Where do I go to seek?
If this is not a place where my feelings can be heard, Where do I go to speak?
If this is not a place where you’ll accept me as I am, Where can I go to be?
If this is not a place where I can try to learn and grow, Where can I be just me?
William J Crockett

So, if I get upset again because it is not a people place, then I will make it in my small corner of the world and then I will go on a quest to find it.

And if I cannot find the place, I will be the place.

My Heart...

My heart strings strum with a beautiful melody,
when my love looks into my eyes.

My heart swells to twice its size,
when my love holds my face and sighs.

My heart beams a smile so bright,
when my love speaks words so true.

My heart rests well and lives again,
when my love says 'I Love you'.

Where your heart is there your treasure will also be. Matthew 6:21

This Place is Cold Without You.

This place is warm, but it is cold without you...
This place is full, but it is empty without you...
This place is busy, but it is quiet without you...
This place is tidy, but it is messy without you...
This place is light, but it is dark without you...
This place is tidy, but it is messy without you...
This place is here, but its without you.

Light Follows Dark

All shall be well,and all shall be well,and all manner of things shall be well. Julian of Norwich

Regardless of how you feel, the light of day always comes.

You can be walking through the darkest of nights and it may seem that this is all there is, but the scientific and religious explanation is that day always follows night. And then subsequently, night to follow day once more.

Being aware of this, should leave you with no surprises. Things are never as bad as they seem in the day. The dark of the night is filled with dread and worry and pain and a fear that may cripple you if you let it. Tears may fall with abundance, words may not be enough to comfort, the unexplained remains unexplained.

It is so easier to see things in the light of day.

And so I ask you. Where are you in at the moment? The light or the dark? The day or the night?

If you are in the light, what are you doing to prepare yourself for the coming night? Do you have what you need? Do you have torches or candles? Do you have somewhere comfortable to rest your head whilst the night passes through? For it will pass through, regardless of how you feel. It always does.

If you are in the night, what are you doing to remember that light is on its way? Are you full of trust, do you have the things you prepared close to hand? For it will pass through, regardless of how you feel. It always does.

Don't wait until it is dark to prepare. You wont be able to see to gather. Happiness follows sadness and sadness follows happiness. It is a natural path to life. To expect something different is to expect the laws of nature to be different.

Remember this and all shall be well.

A Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or
a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you
will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is
usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have
come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you
with guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason
you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an
inconvenient time, this person will say or do something
to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realise is that our need has been met, our
desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you
sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount
of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things
you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional
foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the
person, and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life. It is said
that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Author Unknown

Weeding my Friendship Garden

Im finding it hard to do the whole, reason / season theory. There is a piece of writing that explains how people come in and out of your life. It is helping me deal with things, but from time to time, the feelings overwhelm me and I get upset.

Some 'Friends' who I thought were, have ceased to be. Some have been promoted, and whereas thats great for them, it leaves me feeling like I cant fulfill them anymore. They are better now, they cant really do the same things as they did before, it wouldnt be 'seen' as right. Well, ok then, there you go. Its interesting how the people you help get to the top, forget everything you ahve shared with them, and move on. Ok, if they have, then I will. = SEASON ENDED.

Other 'Friends' have got married and had children. I dont know what thats like yet. They all moved away to be withing a few miles from one another, how nice. Im not bitter, dont get me wrong, I am very happy for all of them, especially as at one time, I knew them when they were unhappy. I held their hands, I supported them.But they are ok now, no need for anything else. Its not the fact that they moved away, or started to do different things. Its the fact that for the past year I have left them countless voicemails and texts to get in touch for a catch up, and they havent returned my calls. Even though I called them time and time again naively with no thought of 'maybe they dont want to be my friend anymore' or 'perhaps they are just busy' . It took my sister to bring me to my senses and reveal to me my dignity. How many times should you call someone for them to ignore you.Ok then. I get the message. SEASON ENDED.

I think in my friendship garden I am 'weeding' phase. It is winter now, and there is nothing much to look at. So therefore I am going to spend time preparing the soil for new friendships. Im going to look after myself and the ones who care about me. I will continue to water those 'lifetime' friendships because they are the perennials. They have proved time and time again that they come back regardless of reasons and seasons. My friendship garden has less than it had before. I wonder what it will look like soon? I am going from one season to another. Summer will be here soon. I wonder what friendships I am planting right now?

“We live in narrative, we live in story.

Existence has a story shape to it.

We have a beginning and an end, we have a plot, we have characters.”

Story is the language of the heart. …So if we’re going to find the answer to the riddle of the earth—and of our own existence—we’ll find it in story.

Eugene Peterson

I have come far...

It's been a long journey so far.

I don't know how long I have left, but I can tell you how far I have come.

I am the only person who has made my journey in my shoes. There have been accompaniments, there have been torch bearers, some have held my hand, some have kicked my ass.

There were people who said they would help, but didn't, and are no where to be seen.

Some held my hand for so long and helped me walk when I had no strength left at all.

There are those now, who see me as I am, as well as who saw me as I was. There will never ever be enough words to share my gratitude with them.

The ones who promised something special, didn't. The ones who didn't promise and wondered how they could help, did.

It leads me to here. I am resting after the journey in preparation for the next part ahead. I'm not sure what to take, or what I will need. I'm not sure where it will take me, or what I will do, but I know I have made it this far. I can breathe.

And I look into the eyes of my loved one, and wonder if I will every be able to tell him how much he means to me. How the oppositeness of us both, both scares me and entices me. How in his arms I feel like the only woman in the world to be loved and cherished and feel so safe. It has taken time to be here. He knows this.

This morning, as I looked into his eyes, I wished I could tell him all of this and more. I breathe out my very soul and hope that he breathes in the sunlight of my existence. I close my eyes and need not to imagine what it feels like. My passion and being embraced fills me and loses me in a creation of wind and fire and everything and nothing.

I have fear, but not of the same things.

I am not afraid to talk.
I was once. I have come far.

I am not afraid to dance.
I am not afraid to stand up for what I believe in.
I am not afraid to kiss and profess my love.
I am not afraid to say no and mean it.
I am not afraid to say no and change my mind.
I am not afraid to say that I would like to get married one day and have a family.
I am not afraid to say 'yes, lets travel around the world'.

I fear many things and worry still, however, my future will teach me to cope with them.

I have come this far...lets see where I will go now...

Flip It

There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her.

She told her boyfriend, 'if only I could see the world, I would marry you.'

One day someone donated eyes to her. Weeks later when the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.

He asked her, 'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?' The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that and the thought of looking at them for the rest of her life led her to refuse his marriage proposal.

Her boyfriend left with a broken heart. A few days later she received a note from him saying: 'Take good care of your eyes my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.'

Taken from Flip it by Michael Heppell.

Uncertainty

I have many many questions, most of them tumble-dry around my head getting drier, until the dial automatically runs out. Either they are dry enough to come out or they take another spin.

Some things take longer to dry than others... damn it!

I used to stare out of the window.

Nothing going on outside, just me...a face in the window. There was nothing going inside and so I looked out.

Then I started to smoke. It was wonderful (apart from the stinkyness and the gradual timebomb to Cancer!) It gave me something to do as I was staring out of the window.

The I started to write whilst I was smoking out of the window. That bit was brilliant. It was like I was finding a way to express all the tumbling things going around and around and around in my head.

Then I stopped smoking (nearly 11 months now!) and I stopped looking out of the window. There was something better to look at inside.

And now I only stare out of the window to wave to them arriving from and leaving for work.

I am no longer a face in the window.

Did it!

10 km in 1 hour and 20 minutes.

Brilliant!

Messages

Do you believe that you have the opportunities to receive messages every day but you just don't notice them?

Some people call them divine intervention, some people call them coincidences, and others don't even recognise them as anything at all.

I know what I believe.

With the age of technology, it is so easy to do anything. For example.

Here I am searching for music to download as my race is 8 days away and today I managed to listen to the Radio as my music has been surpassed again. I have now 4 folders for music. Gradually telling the story of my rise to running. The first few folders helped me run 5 minutes or more, but little else. My last folder helped me run through Spain which Mr Pilot was paragliding his socks off. Those morning runs were wonderful and filled with all the promises of the day. Of course getting a tan was a bonus!!

So now, a week away and no music to inspire me...and that's what I need, inspiration. (By the way...the word inspiration comes from the word Spirit!)

Soo..... here I am downloading my tracks, I am very proud of myself of course, I always am when I don't have to rely on someone else.

I hear some music playing out the window and go over to it. Its a hot day and so I lean out (not too far - I live on the third floor). I see a man packing his car and the music is fast and its what I'm looking for. Obviously I don't know it and I have no way of shouting over 'Hey Mister...whats that song?'. And as time gradually passes I find myself unable to move my legs because my muscles have decided after a week that I have over done it (coupled with the fact that I danced my socks of literally till 4am last Saturday at a wedding)...Anyhow I digress as usual.

The words gradually appear over the thumping music, which I am sure will wake up most of the neighbours. I recognise the tune, the words, but the message isn't clear. Its in a fog. Its as if its on the tip of my tongue and I cant get it. Its like I am trying to remember a dream, but it just doesn't come and the more I try and search, the more I try to grab and hold onto it, the further away it goes from me. Its like trying to catch one of those dandelion seeds that floats on the wind. Its like trying to catch a butterfly, as Mr Pilot and I tried to last weekend to no avail.
And then breakthrough!

The music is haunting, the words even more so. Ive seen the film. Yes, and no surprise, I have cried at the film. See if you can guess it: Its where the Spaniard walks through fields of corn to see his wife and child. Only this isn't a dream, and it isn't life either. He has just defeated his enemy in battle. He has avenged his family's horrific death. The words of the song are in Hebrew and translated means 'now we are free'. When I downloaded this and heard it as I heard it pumping through the car over an hour ago. Guess what - I cried. I believe that this was a message sent to me. Call it divine intervention, call it coincidence. I know what I call it.

Its the song I want to cross the finishing line to, in more ways than one. Its beautiful, its tragic. It inspires my very soul to reach for anything in the whole world.

It fills me to the very top.

I am no longer empty.

I am me.

I am a runner.

I have only just realised this.

And it feels so good.

I rememember when I started this blog, it was to help me through my 1 minute run and 3 minutes walk starting phase. That first minute nearly killed me! I had smokers lungs and body to boot. Gradually (I dont know how) I have managed to creep up to as much as I can run in one go.

I have recently ordered two running books. I looked at the programme where it starts for 2 minutes walking and 1 minute running. I caught myself looking at the bottom of the schedule to where it said '30 minutes running'. Now thats more like it. Its funny isnt it! 6 months ago, the prospect of running 30 minutes would have put me off and now it doesnt.

I dont run in times any more, it only makes me stop. Mentally I think about running around the park and that is 2 km. Today I am going to try and manage 2 times around the park. And tomorrow three. I have my 10 km race next Sunday and so I have to try and see how far I will go.

After this? Well If Ive run 5km and 10km, then I suppose I will have to try for a half marathon?

See...Im a runner :)

Why is there beauty in tragedy?

I have just finished crying.

Tears fell gradually and continuously slowly from my eyes over a period of about an hour.

I feel quiet, I feel cold, I feel drained.

A hot chocolate should do the trick until I emmerse myself back into reality. I plan to do this very slowly.

I have just watched a movie in which my emotions have been wrenched from one side to another. I am very cautious and particular over what I watch. They have to move me and reach into my soul. Sometimes a title can show a chink of light of what is to come, and sometimes I have to find more about it before I can commit to it.

Yet, I always find the movies and books which I stumble into, completely by accident, are the ones which make make more of an impression than anything I could have chosen. Its as if the movie chose to be watched by me. The book chose to be read by me.

I surcumb to a sort of surrender to let things take thier course and lead me into ways in which enrich my heart.

My words are poor, but my heart is rich...

My runaway head

Sometimes, things are too much for me.

Being in the middle is a hard job, especially as you see all the sides of the same story.

People arguing through you and towards you is a difficult thing to have to do. Especially when all of them want to express what they feel and how the other person has done them wrong.

Listening to people calming down and watching themselves rationalize their emotions is hard to watch.

Trying to sweep up the pieces and put things back together is even harder.

My mum is the easy one. She and my sister are the same. They volcano and spew out the nastiest of words. They are horrible to one another, and then everything is OK. A sorry means sorry and then things move on. They both separately drank a bottle of wine to help and then today everything seems to be OK.

My dad however, is very like me.

He switches off at a seconds notice. He pushes you to reject him and when you show the slightest confirmation of this. He withdraws so much that it is almost impossible to reach him.

The only one to reach him? Someone who acts the same...me.

He gave me an olive branch today, and although I didn't want to take it. I did. I suggested a plan and he took it. My family means a great deal to me. Its the only one I have.

There was a time when our family was broken. We all fought over my sister and a new relationship, and four became three. Well actually, three separate people living in the same house. No one spoke to each other. They showed me how to bury your feelings and they showed me how not to talk and not express your feelings. Withdrawn people learned to keep away, as nobody wanted to talk to you anyway. We survived and that was all. Months went by. We coped and did things but they didn't really mean anything. A part of us was missing. We managed.

Then my sister came back into our lives. Things began to be reconciled, bridges built. It was a very slow and very painful path. We tried to do everything we could to make things better and reconcile things. It took time, and although things were different, as adults we talked, we became closer. It took years. People looking at us today don't appreciate or even realize everything that happened. But we do. We were there. We lived through it.

My sister is moving. A very happy move this time. She moving a few hours away with the man that she loves very much. He is very good to her and her young family.

My parents are taking this very hard. Both retiring, a few friends they relied on have passed away and now, they are going to miss their daughter and grandchildren. Its going to be hard for them. Its going to be hard for everyone.

And as last time, after everyone is OK, then I shall sort myself out.

Only this time I wont make the same mistake and run away when they all fight. I am staying, and as hard as it is. I wouldn't do anything else.

Today I feel like Cinderella

Today, one of my dearest friends took my breath away.

I was asked to be her bridesmaid. An ordinary, everyday occurrence you say. Maybe for most, but for me, I feel like Cinderella when she was told she could go to the ball.

When people tell you they are getting married, you are pleased for them. It is a monumental decision that brings two people in love closer together and their lives are filled with hope and happiness. You are glad to be invited to share their special day with all their family and friends that they have accumulated along the way.

Friends come and go. There is always a reason or a season that a friend is in your life. You hope that some will last a lifetime. The ones you think will last longer often don't, and the ones you think wont, do.

My dearest friend has been a treasure to me. More than she actually knows. In 2003 I decided to change jobs. She was the one who I was placed with. It was like working with myself. For three years we worked together and I was blessed with everything I had hoped for for my career; organisation, support, laughter and experience. Then she left to pastures new and although I was excited for her, I was sad. Friendships take time to blossom and I knew that this was one of the times when I had to water them from afar. I knew we would keep in touch from time to time, but never imagined what a rock she would become.

She was one of the 2 people who held me up when I fell apart. My sister was the other. A broken relationship and a rebound fling gone wrong in the space of 3 months, left me brokenhearted and alone. I spent my time smoking, drinking, crying and very little else. I kept it together at work and no one knew of my heartache, yet when I came home again, the cycle would begin and would continue for another 6 months. They felt like 100 years. To have one's heart broken for the first time at the age of 33 is no mean feat. It destroyed who I was. I was nothing. I built up walls, which are only now becoming to come down thanks to the love and patience of my beloved.

My friend rang, she texted, she spoke words, she said she wished she could help more. In fact, what she did for me was so very much. I felt I was in a tunnel without a light. She brought me a lighted candle. She did this every time we spoke, until there came a time when I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. To say I am grateful to her and my sister for what they did for me is a complete understatement. The love they showed me and continue to do, far outweighs the grains of sand on the shore.

And so, to be asked to be my dearest friends bridesmaid, is more than a privilege. It is such an honour that my heart is swelling with thanks and pride for being asked. I would never ever in my wildest dreams presume to be asked. It was such an immense surprise and because of that I am happy to be part of her day. Today she has made me the happiest little thing in the world.

:)



(Cinderella Picture from a talented artist called Maria Holohan)

Peaceful moments

Watching someone you love sleep is lovely.

You wonder what they are dreaming as they breathe in an out.

The slight movement on their lips, their eyes flickering behind closed eyelids and their chest moving up and down. I stroke his foot and a gentle smile pours from his lips.

He drifts into consciousness and looks at me.

It is a good feeling.

It is an intimate moment.

I feel loved.

In a whirlwind of fruit and cake

Im quiet again.

Which can only mean one thing...

A lifetime of telling people that Im tired or that I have a headache doesnt work with the two people that I most want to hide from. They have long deciphered the code and become aware of what it actually means. Which is great, but also very annoying.

I was told today that the 'display for fruit-cakeness' is actually written on my forehead as a frown. Great! I cant even bloody hide that anymore!

My fruitcake moments cresecendo into a whirlwind of emotions.

Every second of every waking moment, I think a thousand thoughts; and when I am asleep, I dream a thousand thoughts. Everything and every possible scenario is played through my head. Actually its a wonder I have enough energy to do anything. There are days when I am mentally tired from all the thinking I do.

I am thousands of miles away, and it only seems now that I am reaching some kind of clarity. Its the same message that has been trying to get through to me for a while now. That perfection isnt possible and trying for it makes you feel like a faliure. This is the message. Do you think I have realised this? I can tell you logically, but in my heart I keep thinking that if I do a little bit more, or a little bit harder then everything will be alright. You and I know that it doesnt work like this.

And so, for a while now I have been underachieveing. Of course, if you dont try, you dont fail do you! Underachieving is the other end of the scale of obsession. I have gone form one end of the see-saw to the other and actually I think its a rubbish game. Try to hard and you fail, try to little and you fail because you dont even get to do it. And so, here is the formulaic equation

High expectations+over-reliance on perfection=fail
Low expectations + no reliance on perfection = unachieving+ fail

(Both scenarios) + worrying = fruitcake syndrome

The whirlwind of Fruitcake always lifts me up in such a frienzy that I feel powerless and the first symptom is a lack of speech, its a shutdown, a numbness, a withdrawl. Its the last thing I want to do, because it is so obvious to those who have deciphered it. It would be great if they didnt know and I could be a fruicake in my own little world, but I have tried, its just how it happens.

Sigh

So, how am I going to get this message through my very thick skull?

I am going through transition period. The old me has gone and the new me isnt here yet. I am neither catterpiller nor butterfly. I am an inbetween uncomfortable phase where I dont know what is happening. I have to wait.

I have to in the mean time, cut off the thoughts that keep telling me the following.
1. You cant run fast enough or for longer.
2. You cant learn to fly.
3. You cant lose weight.
3. You are not good enough to write your first novel.
4. You cant do your job to the best ability
5. You should play your whole life safe.

It reminds me of the Bible story of the 3 men who are given talents. The last one wastes them because he is too frightened of what could happen. He is frightened of losing what he has and so therefore buries it in order to preserve it. What he ends up having is a life wasted and a life being frightened. I can tell you know, he isnt rewarded and ends up losing what he tried so hard to preserve.

Sigh.

Coconut needs a big hammer.

Im off to find one. :)

An accumilation of fears

Its interesting how many fears you can develop as a child that continue to annoy you well into adulthood.

To be afraid of spiders, fear of water, fear of heights, fear of large dogs. Where do all these come from?

I am sure that most of the fears I accumilated as a child have no reason to be in my adult life, but still they remain.

Today, for example, we went swimming. I cant put my face under the water and if someone splashes water up my nose, I panic and I cant breathe. Its wierd I know, but I cant help it.

I also have a fear of large dogs, which is why I would like a Daschund (small and unable to knock you off your feet) Which is what happened to me as a child!

I am also scared of the 'You see..I told you' look/conversation. Maybe this is why I am reluctant to start anything new...just in case the 'You see..I told you' voice starts ringing in my ears.

Thank goodness I have people in my life that make me do things that ordinarily I wouldnt. I can be quite a stubborn thing sometimes - as well they know!

Anyway, I think its about time I left these fears behind. Who knows...maybe the 'You see..I told you' may be used for some positive!

Cuando...

Cuando te rompa el corazon, siempre hay algo alli que duele si lo tocas.

Cuando caen lagimas como una fuente, siempre hay una cosa que lo vuelve a repitir.

Cuando no hay palabras, aparecen milles de pensamientos.

Cuando no sabes que hacer, siempre hay muchos caminos.

Cuando quieres correr, siempre hay muchoas razones para quedarte.

Cuando tienes que esperar no hay manera.

A new day

Ok, I am here again after a while.
I didn't go anywhere.
I was just kind of wandering around in my own thoughts.

Too many things going around in my head to write. But....at the start of my holiday I feel ready to 'deal' or rather 'forget' all the stuff that has happened at work+friends+life and start again.

And breathe...and reboot.

So, today...

I ran 3km. Funny isn't it. When I started out I couldn't even run for a whole minute. The cigarettes in my bag were calling me to take another slow drag and the chocolates were calling even louder. And now, after 4 months the cigarettes still call to me, but I have something back to say to them...I am working on what to say to the chocolates though!

And so I ran today and it felt good.

Its all preparation for the 10km race in September. My sister and I ran the 5km at the end of June and it was amazing. Amazing because we ran non stop and amazing because we did it. It wasn't about how fast we could do it. In fact, as we started, we made a pact to stop after a while and enjoy it, but as 5 minutes turned into 9 and 13 minutes turned into 21, it was as if both of us were thinking the same thing.
"Could we carry on running a little further?"
"Could we keep going?"

Well, we did, and after 43 minutes, we ran like rockets across the finishing line into the arms of both our other halves who praised us. We felt like we had come first. We did. It was certainly a first for both of us.

And so what now? Well, keep running I suppose. I'm eating good food, reading books I enjoy and not consuming my life with negative people or benign television. I am writing again. And all and all it feels good.

I don't know how far I have yet to go, but I know I have come quite far.

The wonderful nothing moments

I am sitting here loving the nothing specialness of it all.

All I am doing is listening to music whilst my love is washing up.

Very ordinary, nothing special.

But the moment is here and its a wonderful nothing moment.

Nothing is happening, but something is happening.

All these wonderful nothing moments make up a special moment.

The story of the ordinary.

Dusk is here. An ordinary dusk. An everyday dusk.

The birds are singing a dusk song. They have had their day. An ordinary day perhaps. They sing of their day.

There is quiet and peace and a sense of not wanting.

It feels like being underwater and looking around before you run out of breath and lift your face out of the water and breath in the oxygen deeply. Its the moment only longer. There is nothing before and nothing after. Its just now.

Its the being happy in the now.

I am happy in the now, and it feels good.

No, it feels better than good. It feels wonderful.

In love with the beauty of tragedy

How do you catch a star?
Do you wait for one?
Night after night, do you plead?

Do you plan?

Do you beg?

Do you buy nets and telescopes and jam-jars?
Do you read books and and recipes?
Do you wait and prepare?


When you lose hope, do you console yourself with falsehoods?
Do you cry, do you sob?
Morning after morning, do you breathe in air which has no benefit?
Does time pass whilst filling the heart with sadness?
Do you numb your soul by placing it in a cage?

Do you after a while realise the beauty in the tragedy?
Do you understand that you cant catch a star?
Do you gaze at the wonder of it, and appreciate and be thankful?
Do you breathe in the sheer wonder of it?
Do you realise you can never catch it?

After this all, do you see it shoot suddenly across the sky?
Do you see it fall gently in the palm of your hands?
Do you close your eyes?
Do you cup your hands gently to look after the fragility of it?
Can you believe?
Do you dare to believe?
Do you allow yourself to believe?

Can you?

Happiness

Its the most simple things that make me happy...

Eyes that smile...

Warm arms around you as you sleep...

A smell that invokes a thousand memories...

A sigh that lets someone know you are happy...

Loving...

Laughing...

Living...

The Unexpected Moments in Life

This is part of my story.

It is not a simple one, and neither is the story that you have.
It is filled with ups and downs and swings and roundabouts.
"Sometimes you're up and sometimes you're down, and sometimes you're just going around and around."

Sometimes in the world we live in, if we are lucky enough to catch the moment, we receive something unexpected. It may be when you are least expecting it. It can happen in the opening of a door, or a phone call. Mostly it happens in the unexpected moments of the day. The most ordinary.

I wish I could tell you when and where my life changed. I feel that it is based on a series of unexpected events that have pushed me through the most happiest and the most painful of times.

Like the time... I met my oldest sister. She is me, but we are not born of the same family. We met whilst on an unexpected walk we were both on as part of a group. We walked through bluebells (and not bluebirds as I thought I heard!!!) She told me I was like a dragon breathing fire inside a small box at everyone that came near me. She knew that after an hour's walk! What else could she know. In the two years that I have known her, she has been one of my most valued voices in my heart and I love her.

Like the time... my little sister threatened to drive for over an hour with her two small children if needs be and come and kick my ass if I didn't pick up the phone. I had ignored all calls from everyone all evening and enough was enough in her eyes. I knew I had pushed her too far, and I knew. I know she would walk over hot coals for me.

Like the time...I met my love. I wasnt planning for what I have now, although I wished it with all my heart. From the first 'fruit-cake' moment when I wanted to fly, he grounded me. Which is completely ironic as he is a pilot and loves to fly. I don't have any words to tell him the love that I have for him, yet I know that he know, I look into his eyes and I am his and I am safe and I have all that I need at this moment in time. I sigh and so does he. All is well.

Many paths that we are on we don't choose, they are given to us. Some are born out of family and some out of circumstances. Many, if we have a choice, we wouldn't take. But take them we must. Sometimes the journey is good and sometimes, for a while, it can be nothing but pain and torture, but past that past, and looking back, we can learn a lot from it.

I remember a time when the thought of coming home made me cry, when I would look out of the window many nights in succession and question so many of my thoughts and actions and have so many regrets. I sit in the same home now a different person. How did I get here? The same four walls do not contain the same things inside. The treasure chest has a new treasure inside.

I have been blessed with a few people that have helped me through my journey so far. I know I still have far to go, but I have come even further to this point in time today.

My journey is mine and mine alone to take. I am the only person who has to make this journey. No one else can say the words that I need to say, no one else can breathe in the happiness that I have. Its all down to me. I know that now, and that has been a really hard lesson to learn.

The people who accompany my journey, do so because I allow them to, and believe me, I have been rubbish at allowing people close to me. I have made decisions based on an action or a person or a situation and then chose to project that on anybody else coming close to me.

But that is not who I am today. The people who have been their for me are few and far between, not because there wasn't an abundance, but because I did not allow them to be close enough to touch me. I was the fire-breathing dragon. I saw letting people in as a weakness, as a vulnerability. You let people in, they know too much, they have the power to hurt you.

I have learned that no one has the power to hurt you unless you let them. Nobody can guarantee you in life that you wont get hurt, but as part of your story, it makes you a better person.

The people who have helped me through 'the tunnel' as I call it, I ask myself what made them keep me company throughout the journey I have made. My younger sister, does she have to because she is my blood? My older sister, does she have to because she sees in me something I cannot? My trusted and dearest friends who started out as colleagues and changed into my dearest friends? My love who in the blink of the eye can recognise if I am quiet, and although that frightens me in so many ways, it fills my very being with more love than I can ever imagine and I feel safe and its OK.


These people did not save me. I am not who I am today because of these people. I am who I am today because I let these people walk with me and hold my hand. No one could do or say the things I had to say. But because they held my hand, they helped me to do all the things I needed to do. They gave me speech when I didn't have any words, they gave me wind so I could fly, they gave me tissues and food and patience and all the countless things that they thought was nothing, but meant the world to me.

This is the treasure in my heart.

And so, as I am making plans for the future, I know I have so much more inside my heart.

I am not who I was...I am who I am today.

My story is not over...it is only beginning...

The Little Bluebird in the Golden Cage

There once was a little bluebird in a golden cage.

It was a beautiful bird with long sapphire blue feathers. It dreamt every day to fly in high up in the white wispy clouds and dreamt every night to feel the wind on her tiny little face. But in reality, she lived in her golden cage from morning till night with just her wonderful dreams to pass the time. In her eyes, you could almost see her dreams, as the blue windows to her soul sparkled with happiness.

The story is coming

Im writing it now...

One step too far by Dido

You can sleep forever
But still you will be tired
You can stay as cold as stone
But still you won't find peace
With you I feel I'm the meek leading the blind
With you I feel I'm just spending wasting time

I've been waiting
I'm still waiting
I've been waiting
I've been waiting
I've been waiting
I'm still waiting
I'm with you (with you)
Its always one step too far
One step too far

You can walk too far
But still you won't be found
You can look down on the world
But still you won't find love
You won't find love

Only with mellow
Are you thin enough to slide through.
If the sun or the moon should give way to doubt,
They would immediately go out.
One swallow don't make a summer,
But tomorrow has to start somewhere.
Only with mellow
Are you thin enough to slide through.
Only with mellow
Are you thin enough to slide through.
Don't Let nothing ride you
Only with mellow
Are you thin enough to slide through.
Don't Let nothing ride you
One swallow don't make a summer.

I've been waiting
I'm still waiting
I've been waiting
I've been waiting
I've been waiting
I'm still waiting
I'm with you (with you)
It's always one step too far
One step too far

Today Coconut flew.

Monday 25th May 2009

Today Coconut flew.

Do you know what it’s like to be picked up by the wind like a dandelion seed? Do you know what it’s like to float on the breeze like a delicate bubble? I do.

I wished I had the words to describe what it feels like.
It’s like breathing in and breathing out at the same time.
It’s like time actually stopping, and past present and future joins together in a beautiful crescendo.

Today was a good day.
Today I flew. Now you can’t understand how this felt like unless you looked at yesterday.

Yesterday was not a good day.

Yesterday I was filled with so much negativity that it encompassed me and tried to drown me. Yesterday I was the coconut again and needed severe hammer and chiselling to stop it from staying closed and to be fully open again. The patience action worked thankfully and things slowly returned back to normal.

I have to tell you though that I am a positive person. I like to see the good in everything (I have been well ridiculed about this in the past). I like to be praised and give praise in abundance. I like to give and receive encouragement. I know how important these things are in building a person into the best person they can possibly be. I also know what it is to be starved of these emotions and what that then creates in you. Confidence is great when you have it, but when you misplace it, it can knock you off track and place you in a tunnel where the light is far from reach. Wise words told me once that ‘negativity breeds negativity’. Doesn’t it just!

And even with all this positivity, there are times when things are just too much. Well they are for me anyhow. A little thought here, another harmless thought there. And before you know it, there are no more little harmless thoughts wandering around. It’s just a big whirlwind of thoughts all be thought at the same time and revolving round and around. This is me during one of my ‘fruit-cake’ moments. I recognise the signs, my feet start twitching and if I am standing up, I am slowly backing myself away until I am against any corner or wall. My words become stuck in my throat and I cant seem to find the words to get them out.

Words are very important and to be able to express them is a great gift. To be understood is great. To understand is a greater gift. I am very lucky to have someone who has a great deal of patience to recognise the signs and defuse them with kindness and love.

Anyway, back to yesterday. It was my first day of flying in the South of France with the temperature around 33oc. Too little water, too little food and too much information. I couldn’t take it all in. Then to top it off, a simple practical task which seemed simple was too much for me. I felt inadequate and unable to it. I had primed myself before hand by reminding myself that it takes me a long time to do something and once I have it, then I’m usually very good. But with all this priming, and being in a new environment and with new people, it wasn’t enough to help. I had failed. I was not perfect. I was no good.

Back to today. The memory of yesterday was starting to creep into today. I was determined that it would not happen. Yes I was really scared, but could I dare to believe that I could do this? Cold I dare to believe in myself that it could be done. I watched the other student’s progress higher up the hill as I the small one waiting lower down for further practise.

With an almighty drag by my teacher, I started running, I ran and ran and my wing lifted up behind me, I carried on running until I was airborne (about 1 metre in the air) and then after turning left, I landed. I did it. I did it. I DID IT...

And then I did it again, and then again. I flew 4 times and was about 5metres above the ground. Now Im not very good at landing yet, and I seem to pull two breaks at the same time (which in paragliding is a HUGE NO) but I did it, and today that is enough.

The day has arrived finally

After waiting for what feels an eternity, today has arrived. no more 'eve eve eve' or 'just Wednesday'. Its here. Leaving Day.

Having the day off and getting an extra hour in bed certainly has made the difference. I survey the flat and wonder why again I have to tidy up. Its like having little pixies who create havoc in the middle of the night. Damn those pixies!

So, everything is ready. Well it is since I packed last Sunday. The thing is I washed various items which have to now stow away int he luggage. Mr W not going to be very happy.

So I hear you ask...'how are you going to fill your car with two paragliders, three people, some compulsory rations and some luggage. Well....I'm not sure, but Im not getting into that. I want to be able to sit tomorrow night outside surveying the wonderful landscape and ponder on what the week will bring. Its funny though, you spend a lot of time being excited about the event you are planning, and sometimes, the event doesn't live up to the anticipation.

I know I'm going to be on my own for most of the time as Mr W and friend will be flying around as they are experienced pilots already. Its me that feels like a baby0bird. Looking out of the nest and wondering what it will be like to fly, but knows that its going to take time. I suppose after being very good at my job, its back to be the inexperienced again. The little one. Sigh.

I know that this is probably the best experience that could happen to me at the moment. Its the unknown. Its out of my comfort zone. Its a risk, but its also trying not to listen to my parents who are filling my head with every worst case scenario that could happen.

All I know is that I don't know what will happen. It will be different and it will be what it will be.

Now enough pondering and get packing.

I'll let you know what happened... :)

Its just Wednesday today...

Paragliding is on Sunday at 9am in the French Alps. So is today Paragliding eve, eve, eve, eve...nope, acoording to Mr W, its just Wednesday...dammit

fed up arguing with him....hhrrmmpppfff

I have a dream

I used to be really great at work.

That's a lie actually...

I used to be brilliant.

Nothing was too much for me, nothing I couldn't do bigger and better than anyone else. I lived to work. Everything I touched turned to gold after some extremely hard graft.

But now...I don't seem to have it in me anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm still really good at what I do. Its not trumpet blowing. I know that I have the ability to do what I do well.

But now, things have started to change. Things I used to be excited about, don't excite me anymore. The prospect of working all weekend doesn't fill me with pride, it fills me with dread. Maybe I have given all I have and maybe I don't have anything left to give. I know its not my age, as I have never let that bother me before. I suppose I have a new dream, and knowing me, once I make my mind up, I wont be satisfied until I get it.

I find myself thinking about new pastures and greener pastures. I know, the grass isn't always greener, but isn't it better to walk barefoot in the slight less greener grass, than to spend a lifetime wondering what things would have been like if you had only made that decision.

Its 6 days till I start my paragliding course. I may love it...I may hate it. Who knows? I know for certain that I will be rubbish at it for a while and then something will click and I will understand. I always understand after a bit of study. Not naturally clever me, have to persevere. I still hear my granny sticking up for me as an 8 year old child.

I have travelled a long way in a year. A year has taken me to places new and exciting and places where I have come to know myself for the first time. The people who have accompanied my journey have helped me to grow and nurtured me and let me be truly me. Who knows where my journey will take me in another year.

I hope to walk in Lemon groves and feel the sunshine on my neck before my loved one kisses me and I turn to smile towards him and be happy how lucky I am...

I have a dream...

Why can't you hiccup bubbles?

What are hiccups? I am a random hiccuper...I can be literally doing nothing and then suddenly out of the blue, I can be hiccuping for a couple of minutes and then it goes away.

The best bit is when I get out of bed with hiccups. That means that I will have hiccups all day. My dad used to say when I was little that every time I hiccuped I grew a tiny little bit...well at 34 years old and 5'4'' , that wonderful story didn't come true...shame...

...which started me thinking why things happen?

I had a dream last night. As dreams go, it was rather weird. I was standing at the top of a very windy and cold large hill with a plastic faded duck as a birdbath and frogspawn all around it (told you it was weird). I had arrived there after some exciting event that had happened in my dream, what I cant remember because the nature of dreams are that you seem to forget their very essence the moment you wake up...why is that? Are they the key to some elixir that we are not meant to know?

Anyhow back to the duck and the frogspawn...something of great importance fell down this hill. I say hill, but it was a sheer decline of about 80%. I knew that this thing that had fallen, I can't remember but it was shaped in a rectangle...a book?...a frame?...I cant remember...I knew that this was very bad news as it was the thing we had come to rescue. I think it was meant to be there as another event would happen as a result of it being there (too much time-travelling reading on my part I think).

I looked down at this hill for sometime and knew logically that I couldn't go down, that the laws of physics were against me. I even saw someone try and fail and tumble to (I think) their apparent death, if not into a million pieces!

Even so, I know that it was important and I knew what my decision had to be. I knew that I had to rescue it whatever the cost. I knew that I had to try. I knew it was up to me. I went to move...

...and then in my dream I felt arms from behind me grab me around my waist to stop me...

...and I woke up and felt arms behind me grab me around my waist...

I had woken up from my dream at the exact moment I was about to jump...

I had been woken from my dream by the man who shares my love and my life.

The same man who looks into my eyes and makes me feel that no words need to be said. That everything is understood, that emotions are synchronised...it is in that exact moment that I know I have everything I need.

The path that led me here has not been easy or well lit and there were many tunnels. But waking up and seeing the man whom you love with all of your heart and who you know loves you back with the same intensity makes any tasks worthwhile.

One can put up with a thousand demons for the sake of an angel...

My Sister

My sister is amazing.

I have such love and awe of her strength that any strength that I have pails into insignificance of the strength that she has.

I look back to the girl she once was and the woman she once was, and it is different to the person I see today.

I see not only strength, but sacrifice. I see passion, I see good, I see a mother, I see a woman, a warrior, a fighter, I see my sister, and i love her for everything that she was, is and will be...

She is my sister...she is one half of me...