My runaway head

Sometimes, things are too much for me.

Being in the middle is a hard job, especially as you see all the sides of the same story.

People arguing through you and towards you is a difficult thing to have to do. Especially when all of them want to express what they feel and how the other person has done them wrong.

Listening to people calming down and watching themselves rationalize their emotions is hard to watch.

Trying to sweep up the pieces and put things back together is even harder.

My mum is the easy one. She and my sister are the same. They volcano and spew out the nastiest of words. They are horrible to one another, and then everything is OK. A sorry means sorry and then things move on. They both separately drank a bottle of wine to help and then today everything seems to be OK.

My dad however, is very like me.

He switches off at a seconds notice. He pushes you to reject him and when you show the slightest confirmation of this. He withdraws so much that it is almost impossible to reach him.

The only one to reach him? Someone who acts the same...me.

He gave me an olive branch today, and although I didn't want to take it. I did. I suggested a plan and he took it. My family means a great deal to me. Its the only one I have.

There was a time when our family was broken. We all fought over my sister and a new relationship, and four became three. Well actually, three separate people living in the same house. No one spoke to each other. They showed me how to bury your feelings and they showed me how not to talk and not express your feelings. Withdrawn people learned to keep away, as nobody wanted to talk to you anyway. We survived and that was all. Months went by. We coped and did things but they didn't really mean anything. A part of us was missing. We managed.

Then my sister came back into our lives. Things began to be reconciled, bridges built. It was a very slow and very painful path. We tried to do everything we could to make things better and reconcile things. It took time, and although things were different, as adults we talked, we became closer. It took years. People looking at us today don't appreciate or even realize everything that happened. But we do. We were there. We lived through it.

My sister is moving. A very happy move this time. She moving a few hours away with the man that she loves very much. He is very good to her and her young family.

My parents are taking this very hard. Both retiring, a few friends they relied on have passed away and now, they are going to miss their daughter and grandchildren. Its going to be hard for them. Its going to be hard for everyone.

And as last time, after everyone is OK, then I shall sort myself out.

Only this time I wont make the same mistake and run away when they all fight. I am staying, and as hard as it is. I wouldn't do anything else.

Today I feel like Cinderella

Today, one of my dearest friends took my breath away.

I was asked to be her bridesmaid. An ordinary, everyday occurrence you say. Maybe for most, but for me, I feel like Cinderella when she was told she could go to the ball.

When people tell you they are getting married, you are pleased for them. It is a monumental decision that brings two people in love closer together and their lives are filled with hope and happiness. You are glad to be invited to share their special day with all their family and friends that they have accumulated along the way.

Friends come and go. There is always a reason or a season that a friend is in your life. You hope that some will last a lifetime. The ones you think will last longer often don't, and the ones you think wont, do.

My dearest friend has been a treasure to me. More than she actually knows. In 2003 I decided to change jobs. She was the one who I was placed with. It was like working with myself. For three years we worked together and I was blessed with everything I had hoped for for my career; organisation, support, laughter and experience. Then she left to pastures new and although I was excited for her, I was sad. Friendships take time to blossom and I knew that this was one of the times when I had to water them from afar. I knew we would keep in touch from time to time, but never imagined what a rock she would become.

She was one of the 2 people who held me up when I fell apart. My sister was the other. A broken relationship and a rebound fling gone wrong in the space of 3 months, left me brokenhearted and alone. I spent my time smoking, drinking, crying and very little else. I kept it together at work and no one knew of my heartache, yet when I came home again, the cycle would begin and would continue for another 6 months. They felt like 100 years. To have one's heart broken for the first time at the age of 33 is no mean feat. It destroyed who I was. I was nothing. I built up walls, which are only now becoming to come down thanks to the love and patience of my beloved.

My friend rang, she texted, she spoke words, she said she wished she could help more. In fact, what she did for me was so very much. I felt I was in a tunnel without a light. She brought me a lighted candle. She did this every time we spoke, until there came a time when I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. To say I am grateful to her and my sister for what they did for me is a complete understatement. The love they showed me and continue to do, far outweighs the grains of sand on the shore.

And so, to be asked to be my dearest friends bridesmaid, is more than a privilege. It is such an honour that my heart is swelling with thanks and pride for being asked. I would never ever in my wildest dreams presume to be asked. It was such an immense surprise and because of that I am happy to be part of her day. Today she has made me the happiest little thing in the world.

:)



(Cinderella Picture from a talented artist called Maria Holohan)

Peaceful moments

Watching someone you love sleep is lovely.

You wonder what they are dreaming as they breathe in an out.

The slight movement on their lips, their eyes flickering behind closed eyelids and their chest moving up and down. I stroke his foot and a gentle smile pours from his lips.

He drifts into consciousness and looks at me.

It is a good feeling.

It is an intimate moment.

I feel loved.

In a whirlwind of fruit and cake

Im quiet again.

Which can only mean one thing...

A lifetime of telling people that Im tired or that I have a headache doesnt work with the two people that I most want to hide from. They have long deciphered the code and become aware of what it actually means. Which is great, but also very annoying.

I was told today that the 'display for fruit-cakeness' is actually written on my forehead as a frown. Great! I cant even bloody hide that anymore!

My fruitcake moments cresecendo into a whirlwind of emotions.

Every second of every waking moment, I think a thousand thoughts; and when I am asleep, I dream a thousand thoughts. Everything and every possible scenario is played through my head. Actually its a wonder I have enough energy to do anything. There are days when I am mentally tired from all the thinking I do.

I am thousands of miles away, and it only seems now that I am reaching some kind of clarity. Its the same message that has been trying to get through to me for a while now. That perfection isnt possible and trying for it makes you feel like a faliure. This is the message. Do you think I have realised this? I can tell you logically, but in my heart I keep thinking that if I do a little bit more, or a little bit harder then everything will be alright. You and I know that it doesnt work like this.

And so, for a while now I have been underachieveing. Of course, if you dont try, you dont fail do you! Underachieving is the other end of the scale of obsession. I have gone form one end of the see-saw to the other and actually I think its a rubbish game. Try to hard and you fail, try to little and you fail because you dont even get to do it. And so, here is the formulaic equation

High expectations+over-reliance on perfection=fail
Low expectations + no reliance on perfection = unachieving+ fail

(Both scenarios) + worrying = fruitcake syndrome

The whirlwind of Fruitcake always lifts me up in such a frienzy that I feel powerless and the first symptom is a lack of speech, its a shutdown, a numbness, a withdrawl. Its the last thing I want to do, because it is so obvious to those who have deciphered it. It would be great if they didnt know and I could be a fruicake in my own little world, but I have tried, its just how it happens.

Sigh

So, how am I going to get this message through my very thick skull?

I am going through transition period. The old me has gone and the new me isnt here yet. I am neither catterpiller nor butterfly. I am an inbetween uncomfortable phase where I dont know what is happening. I have to wait.

I have to in the mean time, cut off the thoughts that keep telling me the following.
1. You cant run fast enough or for longer.
2. You cant learn to fly.
3. You cant lose weight.
3. You are not good enough to write your first novel.
4. You cant do your job to the best ability
5. You should play your whole life safe.

It reminds me of the Bible story of the 3 men who are given talents. The last one wastes them because he is too frightened of what could happen. He is frightened of losing what he has and so therefore buries it in order to preserve it. What he ends up having is a life wasted and a life being frightened. I can tell you know, he isnt rewarded and ends up losing what he tried so hard to preserve.

Sigh.

Coconut needs a big hammer.

Im off to find one. :)

An accumilation of fears

Its interesting how many fears you can develop as a child that continue to annoy you well into adulthood.

To be afraid of spiders, fear of water, fear of heights, fear of large dogs. Where do all these come from?

I am sure that most of the fears I accumilated as a child have no reason to be in my adult life, but still they remain.

Today, for example, we went swimming. I cant put my face under the water and if someone splashes water up my nose, I panic and I cant breathe. Its wierd I know, but I cant help it.

I also have a fear of large dogs, which is why I would like a Daschund (small and unable to knock you off your feet) Which is what happened to me as a child!

I am also scared of the 'You see..I told you' look/conversation. Maybe this is why I am reluctant to start anything new...just in case the 'You see..I told you' voice starts ringing in my ears.

Thank goodness I have people in my life that make me do things that ordinarily I wouldnt. I can be quite a stubborn thing sometimes - as well they know!

Anyway, I think its about time I left these fears behind. Who knows...maybe the 'You see..I told you' may be used for some positive!