Its the 'doing' action

Today is certainly all about the 'doing'.

I have been clearing out. Its a good feeling to go through your mobile, email and social networking sites to think carefully who you really want to be there.

I have thought carefully to see whether people were in my life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I dont know yet about the lifetime, but the season and reason people have gone. It feels good.

The End is always the beginning

The end has begun. I have realized that now.

I'm not sure exactly how it happened , but this last month has been a roller coaster of emotions. I started a long way away and now I have caught up and I am where time and space wants me to be.

I know that there are times when I am digging in my heels and I sit down like a stubborn child and cross my arms with a cross face. I keep having moments that push me towards the end. Without this acceptance, I cant walk towards the beginning.

Si Tú No Vuelves

Si tú no vuelves
se secarán todos los mares
y esperaré sin ti
tapiado al fondo de algún recuerdo

Si tú no vuelves
mi voluntad se hará pequeña...
Me quedaré aquí
junto a mi perro espiando horizontes

Si tú no vuelves
no quedarán más que desiertos
y escucharé por sí
algún latido le queda a esta tierra

Que era tan serena cuando me querías
había un perfume fresco que yo respiraba
era tan bonita, era así de grande
no tenía fin...
Y cada noche vendrá una estrella
a hacerme compañía
que te cuente como estoy
y sepas lo que hay.
Dime amor, amor, amor
estoy aquí ¿no ves?
Si no vuelves no habrá vida
no sé lo que haré

Si tú no vuelves
no habrá esperanza ni habrá nada
Caminaré sin ti
con mi tristeza bebiendo lluvia

Que era tan serena cuando me querías
había un perfume fresco que yo respiraba
era tan bonita, era así de grande
no tenía fin...

Y cada noche vendrá una estrella
a hacerme compañía
que te cuente como estoy
y sepas lo que hay.
Dime amor, amor, amor
estoy aquí ¿no ves?
Si no vuelves no habrá vida
no sé lo que haré

Y cada noche vendrá una estrella
a hacerme compañía
que te cuente como estoy
y sepas lo que hay.
Dime amor, amor, amor
estoy aquí ¿no ves?
Si no vuelves no habrá vida
no sé lo que haré

No sé lo que haré
No sé lo que haré
Se no vuelve no habrá vida
No sé lo que haré
No sé lo que haré
No sé lo que haré
Se no vuelve no habrá vida
No sé lo que haré

Miguel Bose

Felicita

Felicita e tenersi per mano
andare lontano la felicita.
E il tuo squardo innocente
in mezzo alla gente la felicita.
E restare vicini come bambini@
la felicita
felicita.

Felicita e un cuscino di piume
l'acqua del fiume che passa e va.
E' la pioggia che scende dietro le tende la felicita.
E abbassare la luce per fare pace
la felicita
felicita.

Felicita e un bicchiere di vino
con un panino la felicita.
E lasciarti un biglietto dentro al cassetto.

La felicita e cantare a due voci
quanto mi piaci la felicita
felicita.

Senti nell'ario c'e gia
la nostra canzone d'amore che va.
Come un pensiero che sa di felicita.
Senti nell'aria c'e gia
un raggio di sole piu caldo che va
come un sorriso che sa di felicita.

Felicitae una sera a sorpresa
la luce accesa e la radio che va
e'un biglietto d'auguri pieno di cuori la felicita.
E una telefonata non aspettata
la felicita
felicita.

Felicita e uns spiaggia di notte
l'onda che batte lafelicita.
E una mano sul cuore piena d'amore la felicita.
E aspettare l'aurora per fario ancory
la felicita
felicita.

Senti nell'ario c'e gia . .

Happiness
is holding hands and walk far together
Happiness
is your innocent look in a crowd
Happiness
is staying close to each other like children do
Happiness Happiness

Happiness
is a feather pillow and a flowing river
It's the falling rain behind the curtains
Happiness
is dimming the light to make up after a fight
Happiness Happiness

Happiness
is a glass of wine accompanied with a sandwich
Happiness
is leaving a small note for you in the drawer
Happiness
is singing together "I like you so much"
Happiness Happiness

You can feel already in the air
our love song spreading
like a joyful thought


You can feel already in the air
a warmer sunray shining
like a blissful smile

Happiness
is an unplanned evening
with the light and the radio on
and a little card with hearts drawn all over
It's an unexpected phone call
Happiness Happiness

Happiness
is a beach at night
and the wave breaking on the shore
Happiness
is a hand full of love over the heart
Happiness
is waiting for dawn
to make love again
Happiness Happiness

Al Bano Carrisi & Romina Power

Meaning
Listening
Doing
Belonging

From my head to my heart, from my shoulder to my shoulder, I belong to you.

Knowledge Vs Understanding

It is one thing is to have knowledge, and another thing to understand it and use it.

Knowledge is nothing unless you apply it.

Travelling

If you know where you start from, you can tell how far you have travelled. I know where I started from and I know how far I have travelled so far. I am proud of myself!

Just think how much farther I can go!

The Lord of the Rings

Fate has chosen him.
A Fellowship will protect him.
Evil will hunt him.

There are days when I feel like Frodo, and other days I forget.

Searching for answers and posing questions

When posing questions, and searching for answers, you can start to piece together the meaning of life.

But far more important that that, it is when you start joining the pieces together for the meaning of your own life.

Climb Every Mountain

Climb every mountain, search high and low
Follow every by way, every path you know
Climb every mountain, ford every stream
Follow every rainbow, till you find your dream
A dream that will need, all the love you can give
Everyday of your life, for as long as you live
Climb every mountain, ford every stream
Follow every rainbow, till you find your dream
A dream that will need, all the love you can give
Everyday of your life, for as long as you live
Climb every mountain, ford every stream
Follow every rainbow, till you find your... dream...

Human doing or being?

What do I need to do (human doing) to be what I want to be? (human being)

Messages from the past to the future.

I keep finding notes that I am leaving myself. I would be much happier to receive messages from my future self, rather than my past self, but there you go!

18th Jan 2010: Your Journey is coming to an end. The essence will be ruined if you continue. You have to get off.

It seems like this was the first day that I started to think about the escape plan seriously. Before this, it was just the ramblings of my boyfriend, who to be fair to him, is a bit vague about any plans at the best of times. He wants to go on an adventure. I am not the adventurous type. Well, I secretly want to be, I crave to be. I love it actually. Im just a scaredly squirrel.

I need to stand at the summit. I want to get a perspective that is 360^o, rather than being at the bottom only seeing what I can see. I have been here for so long, that the base camp has become more solid. Things look different from the top. You can see all around you, its not so daunting. I think the source of me is also the summit. Its where I am going to gain my energy from, I hope it will motivate me, renew me and restore me. At the moment, I am a battery which is getting topped up every day, but is not being fully recharged. I want to be nourished. I want to be nurtured.

I know in my heart I can t stay here, things eventually change and opportunities come and then go, the window can only be opened for such a time and then it closes.

So, in order to stop myself from future fruitcake syndrome kicking in, I am initiating phase one of my escape plan.

1. Pretend everything is allright. I dont feel it, but the decision should always come first, as the feeling usually follows. If you wait for the feeling, it almost never happens.

2. When I think of a logical reason of why I shouldnt go, I need to attach a heartfelt positive memory in order to combat the negative one.

3. I havent got phase 3 yet, if I get here it will be more than a miracle!

Its all right

Im starting to bomb my bridge.. I need to stop it...its ok...its all right...

Lost at Sea

About three years ago, I came across a passage in a book, which literally changed my world around. There was no rhyme or reason for me reading this particular author. I am very choosy over my reading material. I think the book chose me actually.

The long short of it, three years ago, I was metaphorically on a ship that was sinking. It had been sinking for years. Slowly letting in water, I had invested time in fixing the leaks, however, my last resort was to stick my finger into the last hole. I had a choice. Keep my finger in and go down with the ship, or pull my finger out of the leak and swim to shore.
I swam.

When you spend time performing maintenance for a sinking vessel, any floating object coming along looks attractive. I was weak, fragile and vulnerable. I thought this floatation device would take me to shore or even to new shores. I was wrong. Very wrong. In fact, it took me further out to sea than I could have imagined. I was alone. I was cold. I was lost at sea, without a boat, without a paddle, without a hope. My heart started to drown in the torrent waves that crashed around me. I spent all my energy surviving day upon endless day. My energy depleted. I continued to drown.

I remember one particular night fighting my demons. The night was very long and I was staring out of my sitting room window with the wind howling around. The windows were my old ones, and were flimsy with rotten wood and the thinnest glass you could imagine. Sometimes I wondered whether the windows made any difference because the temperature remained freezing in the winter, yet unbearable in the summer.

On that particular dark night, the wind took the windows and swung them carelessly outwards and then ferociously slam them shut. It was as if it wanted to smash the pane of glass inside. I wondered at the miracle how that never happened.

It was on that particular night, I was smoking out of the window, searching for answers, grappling for a solution that would enable me to move forward. My smoking had become my lifeline. It was a mistake because it would take me years to pull away from the poisonous chains, and yet, I chose that means to cope. I was suddenly very angry. My emotions were raw. I had cried many, many times before, and yet this night was to be the summit. All moments after this time would be moving me forward, they longer would hold me in the past.

I remember looking at the window being tossed this way and that without a cause. I wondered whether this was a sign, or just another pointless act of nature I was trying to misinterpret. I felt suddenly that my window of opportunity was opening and closing and in my search I was ready for it at the wrong moment. I don't really remember the rest of the events of that night. In fact, the alcohol has thankfully anaesthetised many of my lonely moments lost at sea, but I do remember feeling like I was given a light in the dark, one that would lead me back to dry land.
I made it back to land. I wonder to this day how I ever did.

To this day, I cope with the aftermath of the trauma that occurred in small ways. Some days I cope better than others. I carry the scars that remind me, but I also carry the strength that saw me through.

I wonder why this reading has come my way again. This week of all weeks.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable . . . The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers . . . of love is Hell.
C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Private Emotion

Every endless night has a dawning day
Every darkest sky has a shining ray
And it shines on you baby can't you see
You're the only one who can shine for me

It's a private emotion that fills you tonight
And a silence falls between us
As the shadows steal the light
And wherever you may find it
Wherever it may lead
Let your private emotion come to me
Come to me

When your soul is tired and your heart is weak
Do you think of love as one way street
Well it runs both ways, open up your eyes
Can't you see me here, how can you deny

It's a private emotion that fills you tonight
And a silence falls between us
As the shadows steal the light
And wherever you may find it
Wherever it may lead
Let your private emotion come to me
Come to me

Every endless night has a dawning day
Every darkest sky has a shining ray
It takes a lot to laugh as your tears go by
But you can find me here till your tears run dry

It's a private emotion that fills you tonight
And a silence falls between us
As the shadows steal the light
And wherever you may find it
Wherever it may lead
Let your private emotion come to me
Come to me

Ricky Martin & Laura Pausini

Desire

When the desire is too much to bear, we often bury it beneath frenzied thoughts and activities or escape it by dulling our immediate consciousness of living. It is possible to run away from the desire for years, even decades, at a time, but we cannot eradicate it entirely. It keeps touching us in little glimpses and hints in our dreams, our hopes, our unguarded moments.

Even though we sleep, our desire does not. “It is who we are.” We are desire. It is the essence of the human soul, the secret of our existence. Absolutely nothing of human greatness is ever accomplished without it. Desire fuels our search for the life we prize. The same old thing is not enough . It never will be.

Gerald May
(The Awakened Heart)

Entirely

If we could get the hang of it entirely
It would take too long;
All we know is the splash of words in passing
and falling twigs of song,
And when we try to eavesdrop on the great
Presences it is rarely
That by a stroke of luck we can appropriate
Even a phrase entirely.

If we could find our happiness entirely
In somebody else's arms
We should not fear the spears of the spring nor the city's
Yammering fire alarms
But, as it is, the spears each year go through
Our flesh and almost hourly
Bell or siren banishes the blue
Eyes of Love entirely.

And if the world were black or white entirely
And all the charts were plain
Instead of a mad weir of tigerish waters,
A prism of delight and pain,
We might be surer where we wished to go
Or again we might be merely
Bored but in the brute reality there is no
Road that is right entirely.

Louis MacNeice (1907-1963)

Towards light

My poetry is the record of my individual struggle from darkness towards some measure of light.
Dylan Thomas (1914 – 1953)

Relax

Took a ride to the end of the line
Where no one ever goes.
Ended up on a broken train with nobody I know.
But the pain and the (longings) the same.
(Where the dying
Now I'm lost and I'm screaming for help.)

Relax, take it easy
For there is nothing that we can do.
Relax, take it easy
Blame it on me or blame it on you.

It's as if I'm scared.
It's as if I'm terrified.
It's as if I scared.
It's as if I'm playing with fire.
Scared.
It's as if I'm terrified.
Are you scared?
Are we playing with fire?

Relax
There is an answer to the darkest times.
It's clear we don't understand but the last thing on my mind
Is to leave you.
I believe that we're in this together.
Don't scream - there are so many roads left.

Relax, take it easy
For there is nothing that we can do.
Relax, take it easy
Blame it on me or blame it on you.

Relax, take it easy
For there is nothing that we can do.
Relax, take it easy
Blame it on me or blame it on you.

Relax, take it easy
For there is nothing that we can do.
Relax, take it easy
Blame it on me or blame it on you.

Relax, take it easy
For there is nothing that we can do.
Relax, take it easy
Blame it on me or blame it on you.

It's as if I'm scared.
It's as if I'm terrified.
It's as if I scared.
It's as if I'm playing with fire.
Scared.
It's as if I'm terrified.
Are you scared?
Are we playing with fire?

Relax
Relax

Mika

Walking towards the light

Tonight has been long and dark.

I have started to walk towards the light.
I have a long way to go, but I know the direction now.

The way was shown by someone I didnt think would help.
My dad has helped more than he has known.

The first step was the hardest.
I am on my way.