Spring Cleaning the flat and my brain

The weekend was very productive. The flat is now officially spring cleaned and looking good.

Every year, usually in February, but before Lent starts, I perform the Spring Clean Ritual. Its brilliant. Start on one room and make my way gradually until all is well and all is clean.

From Friday to last night I have moved, tidied, bundled, washed, scrubbed, straightened, ironed, sorted, wiped and hoovered. I was alone and so was able to get on with it in my own way and my own time. Just three more jobs to do and it all done. All is well...

However:

Problem 1: Now it is tidy - it can be untidied. The kitchen resembles a show room. I know it wont stay like that for long. As we both have busy jobs, its hard to keep an eye on it and tidy as it goes along. Leaving it to the last minute make it messy and I hate messy.

Problem 2; I am going away for a few days so I cant fully bask in the glory of the tidy. Dentists and a variety of other treatments draw me away.

Problem 3: I miss my love. I haven't seen him all weekend and now I'm going away for a week and wont see him properly until the end of February. I know we live together and I know we get to see each other, but the quality is diminishing and it makes me sad.

We both are planning for the future and so we have to work overtime to save enough and go to courses that will help us in the future. I know it is necessary.

I'm not blaming him (although he is a pain-in-the-ass sometimes- and so am I). I suppose, its hard when you remember how things used to be and then they change so gradually that its only when you look back that you realise how much they have changed.

There was never a morning or nighttime that would go by without a good morning or a goodnight text message when we were apart. This weekend, there was a noticed silence at those times. And of course, Im so stubborn, that I wont be the first one to make the move. I wont. And so feelings are starting to creep in that eventually will tip me over the edge of fruitcakeness. I'm trying to keep them at bay, but they are whispering to me.

When we met, my heart was lifted and danced around on the breeze like a dandelion being blown into the wind. It was the most amazing feeling of my life. Quite often, I daydream of those moments. I flick through my journal and ponder on a moment that set my heart beating once more. I never doubted his love for me or his ability to pursue me. I felt wanted.

I know things can stay the way that they were. I still have a great time with him and I have never been so happy. I have also never been so cross. In the past, I never dealt with my feelings, I would just bottle them up until they got too much and then I would finish a relationship. It was always the way. Until this time. My buttons are pushed constantly, and I'm having to face things I would rather not. But I don't keep things bottled up for long now. Or maybe my bottle is smaller.

It has a taken a weekend to disconnect and the reconnecting will be hard as always. Its like all the wires have been pulled from their sockets and will have to be gradually reconnected one by one, carefully and gently. One wrong wire here and short circuit!

Good luck with that!