Thank goodness I have somewhere to write and to express all the fruit-cakey moments that seem to appear at random moments.
I was told today by my love that hopefully going home to see my family for Christmas would un-fruit me, either that, or they would turn me to jam! (You had to be there).
What has caused this this time? Well, its a bit like a dripping tap. One drop here, another drop there, or 'tutai e tam' (I did a 2 hour Polish Lesson on my MP3 today).
I havent been well. It hasnt really done a lot for my self esteem. Ive been very low for a while now and been a bit lost. I need to discover who I am.
And it always seems to boil down to one word.
Rejection.
I know, I know, it seems silly writing this. I am far from rejected. Its the potential rejection. I know I am loved and liked. I try to be a good person, and like most people, sometimes this is true and sometimes its not. Im not perfect. (Wow a lot of therapy to admit to that one!!)
Its just that there have been little moments over the past month that have tried to tell me that Im not enough. Im almost ashamed to admit it. I cant reach what I want to reach. I try and try, but I just cant. Im not enough.
How many times have I got to tell myself that this is not true? It comes to me in a whisper. Im not crazy - Im not hearing voices. It just comes into my thoughts and then I start to believe it. Its very subtle and before I know it, I have exploded. Im like a little party-popper with fruit-cake inside and then I explode for no reason. Its weird because by then, its like I have detached myself from my body and Im watching from the other side of the room and watching myself whilst I shake my head.
And then it happens. Its a very small moment. The cake time-bomb is lit. I have the power to diffuse it quickly, but sometimes there is a spark and it just goes. And the thing is, it makes me feel angry. It makes me feel sad and lonely, but most of all it makes me exhausted. I end up falling into my love's arms sobbing with shame and its done again and then Im just quiet. I have to breathe and reboot and hope it doesnt happen again. Its getting better. But because I am new to this, new to letting it out and not keeping it in, its taking me time to learn and relearn. I will get there one day!
And so I am home with my family for the Christmas holidays. I love them and they make me feel safe and happy. And when I am sitting next to the radiator, as I am whilst Im writing this, everything seems well.
And Im sorry. Im very sorry...
Wednesday, 23 December 2009
Tuesday, 22 December 2009
Monday, 21 December 2009
My lover speaks
My lover speaks;
he says to me,
“Arise, my beloved,
my beautiful one,
and come!”
Song of Songs 2:10
he says to me,
“Arise, my beloved,
my beautiful one,
and come!”
Song of Songs 2:10
Window of the soul
Life’s dim window of the soul distorts the heavens from pole to pole,
and leads you to believe a lie,
when you see with,
not through,
the eye.
William Blake
and leads you to believe a lie,
when you see with,
not through,
the eye.
William Blake
Sunday, 20 December 2009
What is?
What is fear?
Is it the unexpected that may happen?
Is it what you hope not to happen?
Is it a ticking timebomb?
Is it slow to cook, slow to grow, slow to appear?
What is happiness?
Is it the unexpected that may happen?
Is it what you hope not to happen?
Is it a ticking timebomb?
Is it slow to cook, slow to grow, slow to appear?
What is love?
Is it the unexpected that may happen?
Is it what you hope not to happen?
Is it a ticking timebomb?
Is it slow to cook, slow to grow, slow to appear?
What is life?
Is it the unexpected that may happen?
Is it what you hope not to happen?
Is it a ticking timebomb?
Is it slow to cook, slow to grow, slow to appear?
Is it the unexpected that may happen?
Is it what you hope not to happen?
Is it a ticking timebomb?
Is it slow to cook, slow to grow, slow to appear?
What is happiness?
Is it the unexpected that may happen?
Is it what you hope not to happen?
Is it a ticking timebomb?
Is it slow to cook, slow to grow, slow to appear?
What is love?
Is it the unexpected that may happen?
Is it what you hope not to happen?
Is it a ticking timebomb?
Is it slow to cook, slow to grow, slow to appear?
What is life?
Is it the unexpected that may happen?
Is it what you hope not to happen?
Is it a ticking timebomb?
Is it slow to cook, slow to grow, slow to appear?
Just Like Heaven
Show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream he said
The one that makes me laugh he said
And threw his arms around my neck
Show me how you do it
And I promise you I promise that
I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you
Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed his face and kissed his head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make him glow
Why are you so far away? he said
Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you
That I'm in love with you
You, soft and only
You,lost and lonely
You, strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream
You're just like a dream
Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe his name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only boy I loved
And drowned him deep inside of me
You, soft and only
You, lost and lonely
You, just like heaven
You, soft and only
You, lost and lonely
You, just like heaven
Katie Melua
The one that makes me scream he said
The one that makes me laugh he said
And threw his arms around my neck
Show me how you do it
And I promise you I promise that
I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you
Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed his face and kissed his head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make him glow
Why are you so far away? he said
Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you
That I'm in love with you
You, soft and only
You,lost and lonely
You, strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream
You're just like a dream
Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe his name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only boy I loved
And drowned him deep inside of me
You, soft and only
You, lost and lonely
You, just like heaven
You, soft and only
You, lost and lonely
You, just like heaven
Katie Melua
Rubbish
Having a cold is rubbish.
Its not the sniffing or blocked up nose. Its not the countless tissues which I have to rub my red nose sore. Its not even the headaches. Its the lack of energy and general tiredness.
And after a week...Im bored of it
Its not the sniffing or blocked up nose. Its not the countless tissues which I have to rub my red nose sore. Its not even the headaches. Its the lack of energy and general tiredness.
And after a week...Im bored of it
Wednesday, 16 December 2009
The anaesthetic is wearing off again.
My existence is numbing my life.
Is this a sudden epiphany or a long awaited revelation?
It all started this morning...well actually it started a lot longer ago, but this morning I resumed the story.
I was awake at 6.45am and I was thirsty. Not physically, but emotionally. I have had a lot on my mind at the moment,which for me is nothing more than a wonder. How could I possibly have more on my mind? You see. I always have things on my mind, so it fair to say that I am concentrating my thought on an aspect in particular.
My thoughts are like a multitude of conveyor belts wheeling in countless thoughts, all unrelated and mostly random, in various directions, at varying speeds, all around me during every waking moment and every night I sleep. My dreams, however, are the ones I cannot control.
Anyway, back to the thirst.
I wanted to read something. I was thirsty for something. Thirsty for something in particular. I needed some kind of knowledge that would turn the key and give me the answer for the churning thoughts. They are always with me, they never leave. They may rest for a while and then as if a wind has picked them up and whirled them in front of my eyes and then we are introduced once more.
As I have experienced more, I have decided, on various occasions, to leave many of my thoughts to one side. There are some that do not serve to accompany me through my life. They contain small poison arrows which splinter my heart and whisk me away to the barren and hopeless land where no one should ever tread. I have walked there. It's is not for hearts like mine.
Some thoughts I know are counter-productive. I don not have the answer to them at this time, in this place. They are like small fruit seeds thoughts that I demand to bear fruit. Their time has not yet come, and so I wait and see what fruit they will provide. Waiting cannot be overcome by wanting. Time is time, and time will have to pass.
And then there are my dandelion thoughts. They whirl and dash and float and glide. They come and go and come an go.
So, finding myself in the midst of these thoughts, I wanted something else. I needed something else.
I looked upon my bookshelf. On the shelves live many a bound book full of secrets, full of life. I found a book that I have read before. Maybe ten years ago. Maybe more, but definitely not less. My pencil underlinings gave myself away. The countless pages I had marked. The countless pages I had left as a message to myself in case I forgot. I did forget.
I learnt so much about myself, my actions, my reactions. In fact, I had enough information in my hands to defeat any problems I had or would ever have.
So what happened? I became inebriated by life. The normalness of doing everyday things grabbed me again and anaesthetised me. I became happy with the birdcage from within.
Over and over again, this is how it happens:
a) Problem occurs. Much soul searching follows and revelation concludes.
b) Determination is made to change and continue on a different path.
c) I wake up and find much time has passed and I have found myself both asleep and no further along the path.
How does this keep happening? I awake to find myself none the wiser and then it repeats itself. Why do I forget? What makes me forget?
I feel like Neo from the Matrix. Something bigger than this, bigger than me, is going on. Something is keeping me here chained to my life, inebriated by my failures and my thoughts and my memories. Numb by the fear of what is to come. I am making excuses for staying in this prison cell, this birdcage, this anomaly.
It is snowing, but it is not settling. And neither will I.
This time. I'm going to stay awake!
Tuesday, 15 December 2009
Monday, 14 December 2009
If I could have just one wish,
I would wish to wake up everyday
to the sound of your breath on my neck,
the warmth of your lips on my cheek,
the touch of your fingers on my skin,
and the feel of your heart beating with mine...
Knowing that I could never find that feeling
with anyone other than you.
- Courtney Kuchta –
I would wish to wake up everyday
to the sound of your breath on my neck,
the warmth of your lips on my cheek,
the touch of your fingers on my skin,
and the feel of your heart beating with mine...
Knowing that I could never find that feeling
with anyone other than you.
- Courtney Kuchta –
Sunday, 13 December 2009
Entirely
If we could get the hang of it entirely
It would take too long;
All we know is the splash of words in passing
and falling twigs of song,
And when we try to eavesdrop on the great
Presences it is rarely
That by a stroke of luck we can appropriate
Even a phrase entirely.
If we could find our happiness entirely
In somebody else's arms
We should not fear the spears of the spring nor the city's
Yammering fire alarms
But, as it is, the spears each year go through
Our flesh and almost hourly
Bell or siren banishes the blue
Eyes of Love entirely.
And if the world were black or white entirely
And all the charts were plain
Instead of a mad weir of tigerish waters,
A prism of delight and pain,
We might be surer where we wished to go
Or again we might be merely
Bored but in the brute reality there is no
Road that is right entirely.
Louis MacNeice (1907-1963)
It would take too long;
All we know is the splash of words in passing
and falling twigs of song,
And when we try to eavesdrop on the great
Presences it is rarely
That by a stroke of luck we can appropriate
Even a phrase entirely.
If we could find our happiness entirely
In somebody else's arms
We should not fear the spears of the spring nor the city's
Yammering fire alarms
But, as it is, the spears each year go through
Our flesh and almost hourly
Bell or siren banishes the blue
Eyes of Love entirely.
And if the world were black or white entirely
And all the charts were plain
Instead of a mad weir of tigerish waters,
A prism of delight and pain,
We might be surer where we wished to go
Or again we might be merely
Bored but in the brute reality there is no
Road that is right entirely.
Louis MacNeice (1907-1963)
Wednesday, 9 December 2009
A Dream Within A Dream
Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow—
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream:
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.
I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand—
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep
While I weep—while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?
Edgar Allan Poe
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow—
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream:
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.
I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand—
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep
While I weep—while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?
Edgar Allan Poe
Sunday, 6 December 2009
I was rescued today.
I put the key into the lock and I could feel the tears coming. Unitl now, I wasnt actually going to cry. I was just angry. I spent the past 5 minutes getting more cross by the steps I was taking. But then once home, the tears came.
It was not the end of the world. It wasnt even the end of anything actually. I felt though that I had been beaten. The battle had beaten me and now I was going home defeated.
'They are ruined!' was all I managed to say as I cried into his t-shirt and leave a shroud of turin mark where I had sobbed. 10 minutes earlier I had left with a smile on my face, and here I was returning raining tears across my saddened face.
I had gone out for a run and after a few steps realised that the stictch I had in my side was going to be a pain for the whole of my run. I would try and ignore it for as much as I could and not turn around so easily. Then a puddle, and then two faced my on my path. Bravely, or so I thought, I went onto the grass. It must be drier I thought...well...
the more I went into the grassy haven, the more I realised that the green carpet was soaked, and every step I took, took me further into the ocean of mud and sludge and wet.
I couldnt turn back as it was wet where I came and so I thought I would keep going to get around the puddle. Big mistake. My trainers started to capsize and then started to sink. My feet squelched, the two-pairs of socks armour did nothing to protect it. My run was over. I was defeated. I emerged back onto the path and stomped home. The problem was made a thousand times worse, because they are my new trainers, and I spent a lot of money on them, and so you see they are ruined.
However, after peeling off my socks and wiping away my frustrated tears, I see my love shoving tissues in them to soak up the demon water and pull the laces out which are now sodden with mud. He stops everything he is doing. He rescued me. He made me feel safe, he made me feel calm. He wiped the worry lines from my brow with a simple yet effective hug. It is not ruined. It gave me a chance to see my love as a mender. He mended my problem. He mended my heart. He mends my sorrows and he even mended the heater that was broken!! And I love him - he knows that. Not just for today. But for every day.
All is not ruined.
My trainers are being mended and are drying out under the heater.
All is well.
It was not the end of the world. It wasnt even the end of anything actually. I felt though that I had been beaten. The battle had beaten me and now I was going home defeated.
'They are ruined!' was all I managed to say as I cried into his t-shirt and leave a shroud of turin mark where I had sobbed. 10 minutes earlier I had left with a smile on my face, and here I was returning raining tears across my saddened face.
I had gone out for a run and after a few steps realised that the stictch I had in my side was going to be a pain for the whole of my run. I would try and ignore it for as much as I could and not turn around so easily. Then a puddle, and then two faced my on my path. Bravely, or so I thought, I went onto the grass. It must be drier I thought...well...
the more I went into the grassy haven, the more I realised that the green carpet was soaked, and every step I took, took me further into the ocean of mud and sludge and wet.
I couldnt turn back as it was wet where I came and so I thought I would keep going to get around the puddle. Big mistake. My trainers started to capsize and then started to sink. My feet squelched, the two-pairs of socks armour did nothing to protect it. My run was over. I was defeated. I emerged back onto the path and stomped home. The problem was made a thousand times worse, because they are my new trainers, and I spent a lot of money on them, and so you see they are ruined.
However, after peeling off my socks and wiping away my frustrated tears, I see my love shoving tissues in them to soak up the demon water and pull the laces out which are now sodden with mud. He stops everything he is doing. He rescued me. He made me feel safe, he made me feel calm. He wiped the worry lines from my brow with a simple yet effective hug. It is not ruined. It gave me a chance to see my love as a mender. He mended my problem. He mended my heart. He mends my sorrows and he even mended the heater that was broken!! And I love him - he knows that. Not just for today. But for every day.
All is not ruined.
My trainers are being mended and are drying out under the heater.
All is well.
Monday, 30 November 2009
Is there?
Is there a story in me? I feel there is one in you.
Is there a voice in me? I think there is one in you.
Is there a passion in my eyes? I can see some in yours.
Is there a way to tell you? I know you know that too.
Is there a voice in me? I think there is one in you.
Is there a passion in my eyes? I can see some in yours.
Is there a way to tell you? I know you know that too.
Nature's Law
I tried to fight the feeling, the feeling took me down,
I struggled and I lost the day you knocked me out,
Now everything’s got meaning and meanings bring me down,
I’m watching as a screening of my life plays out.
Every day I fight these feelings,
For your sake I will hide the real thing,
You can run all your life, all mine I will chase...
You should never fight your feelings,
When your very bones believe them,
You should never fight your feelings,
You have to follow nature’s law.
I’ll live with never knowing, if knowing’s gonna change,
I’ll stop the feeling growing, I will stay away,
Like a broken record stuck before a song,
A million beginnings, none of them the one.
Every day I fight these feelings,
For your sake I will hide the real thing,
You can run all your life, all mine I will chase...
You should never fight your feelings,
When your very bones believe them,
You should never fight your feelings,
You have to follow nature’s law.
I wrote her letters and tried to send them,
In a bottle I placed my hope,
An SOS full of good intentions
sinking,will you give it to me,don’t make me wait,
You build me up, knocked me down,
But I will stand my ground,
And guard this light that I’ve found.
You should never fight your feelings,
When your very bones believe them,
If you let them show, you’ll keep them
I know you hurt, but soon you'll rise again, again, again....
You should never fight your feelings,
When your very bones believe them,
You should never fight your feelings,
You have to follow nature’s law.
Lyrics - Embrace
I struggled and I lost the day you knocked me out,
Now everything’s got meaning and meanings bring me down,
I’m watching as a screening of my life plays out.
Every day I fight these feelings,
For your sake I will hide the real thing,
You can run all your life, all mine I will chase...
You should never fight your feelings,
When your very bones believe them,
You should never fight your feelings,
You have to follow nature’s law.
I’ll live with never knowing, if knowing’s gonna change,
I’ll stop the feeling growing, I will stay away,
Like a broken record stuck before a song,
A million beginnings, none of them the one.
Every day I fight these feelings,
For your sake I will hide the real thing,
You can run all your life, all mine I will chase...
You should never fight your feelings,
When your very bones believe them,
You should never fight your feelings,
You have to follow nature’s law.
I wrote her letters and tried to send them,
In a bottle I placed my hope,
An SOS full of good intentions
sinking,will you give it to me,don’t make me wait,
You build me up, knocked me down,
But I will stand my ground,
And guard this light that I’ve found.
You should never fight your feelings,
When your very bones believe them,
If you let them show, you’ll keep them
I know you hurt, but soon you'll rise again, again, again....
You should never fight your feelings,
When your very bones believe them,
You should never fight your feelings,
You have to follow nature’s law.
Lyrics - Embrace
Overflowing
Once I was an empty glass.
I began to fill up, but it would only go so far.
Then I began to drain and as hard as I could, I couldn't replace the contents inside.
I was thirsty and nothing could quench me.
I was empty.
I now am a full glass.
I find myself filling up so many times.
I am full.
I began to fill up, but it would only go so far.
Then I began to drain and as hard as I could, I couldn't replace the contents inside.
I was thirsty and nothing could quench me.
I was empty.
I now am a full glass.
I find myself filling up so many times.
I am full.
Saturday, 21 November 2009
What is love?
Is it a truth?Or is it a fear?
Is it a rose to for my valentine?
What is love?
Is it only words?
I'm trying to find?
Or is it the way,that we're feeling now?
What is love?
If love is truth,then let it break my heart.
If love is fear,lead me to the dark.
If love is a game,I'm playing all my cards.
What is love?
A pain or a cure?
A science of faith?
A reason to fall to your knees and die?
What is love?
If love is truth,then let it break my heart.
If love is fear,lead me to the dark.
If love is a game,I'm playing all my cards.
What is love?
Only you can save me now.
Only you can heal me now.
Only you can show me now,
what is love.
Or is it a truth?
Or is it a fear?
Is it a rose for my valentine?
What is love?
What is love?
Lyrics by Take That
Monday, 16 November 2009
Something different
Something different happened today.
I didn't run...I didn't hide. If only you knew how much I wanted to hide my voice and close the door.
And yet it seems almost unreal that I sit here writing when only a few hours ago I was crying in the depths of despair with no light at the end of the tunnel.
What did I do differently?
I made a choice. I made the step, I opened my mouth.
I found that the words came slow at first, but then they came.
I went through denial, anger, depression and acceptance in the space of an hour. Most importantly I didn't stop to give up. I was tired and I wanted to, but I didn't. Its amazing what a cuddle can do to make things better again.
I had a bad day at work. Actually because I bring my work home with me, its hard to see where the work finishes and life begins. I suppose it goes with my job. I have done it for years and I see myself working myself into the ground if I am not careful. Being a perfectionist is a dangerous job unless you recognise it has to stop.
When I give 100% at my work and am told it is not good enough, I know then that it is impossible then to succeed there. I know I am very good at what I do, I know I dont need anyone telling me this. It has been a hard struggle to learn this, but learn this I have.
I know that all these bad days remind me of something else I am striving for. I am striving for a place with peace and understanding. A people place..
A People Place
If this is not a place where tears are understood, Where do I go to cry?
If this is not a place where my spirits can take wing, Where do I go to fly?
If this is not a place where my questions can be asked, Where do I go to seek?
If this is not a place where my feelings can be heard, Where do I go to speak?
If this is not a place where you’ll accept me as I am, Where can I go to be?
If this is not a place where I can try to learn and grow, Where can I be just me?
William J Crockett
So, if I get upset again because it is not a people place, then I will make it in my small corner of the world and then I will go on a quest to find it.
And if I cannot find the place, I will be the place.
I didn't run...I didn't hide. If only you knew how much I wanted to hide my voice and close the door.
And yet it seems almost unreal that I sit here writing when only a few hours ago I was crying in the depths of despair with no light at the end of the tunnel.
What did I do differently?
I made a choice. I made the step, I opened my mouth.
I found that the words came slow at first, but then they came.
I went through denial, anger, depression and acceptance in the space of an hour. Most importantly I didn't stop to give up. I was tired and I wanted to, but I didn't. Its amazing what a cuddle can do to make things better again.
I had a bad day at work. Actually because I bring my work home with me, its hard to see where the work finishes and life begins. I suppose it goes with my job. I have done it for years and I see myself working myself into the ground if I am not careful. Being a perfectionist is a dangerous job unless you recognise it has to stop.
When I give 100% at my work and am told it is not good enough, I know then that it is impossible then to succeed there. I know I am very good at what I do, I know I dont need anyone telling me this. It has been a hard struggle to learn this, but learn this I have.
I know that all these bad days remind me of something else I am striving for. I am striving for a place with peace and understanding. A people place..
A People Place
If this is not a place where tears are understood, Where do I go to cry?
If this is not a place where my spirits can take wing, Where do I go to fly?
If this is not a place where my questions can be asked, Where do I go to seek?
If this is not a place where my feelings can be heard, Where do I go to speak?
If this is not a place where you’ll accept me as I am, Where can I go to be?
If this is not a place where I can try to learn and grow, Where can I be just me?
William J Crockett
So, if I get upset again because it is not a people place, then I will make it in my small corner of the world and then I will go on a quest to find it.
And if I cannot find the place, I will be the place.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)