Thank Goodness For This

Thank goodness I have somewhere to write and to express all the fruit-cakey moments that seem to appear at random moments.

I was told today by my love that hopefully going home to see my family for Christmas would un-fruit me, either that, or they would turn me to jam! (You had to be there).

What has caused this this time? Well, its a bit like a dripping tap. One drop here, another drop there, or 'tutai e tam' (I did a 2 hour Polish Lesson on my MP3 today).

I havent been well. It hasnt really done a lot for my self esteem. Ive been very low for a while now and been a bit lost. I need to discover who I am.

And it always seems to boil down to one word.
Rejection.

I know, I know, it seems silly writing this. I am far from rejected. Its the potential rejection. I know I am loved and liked. I try to be a good person, and like most people, sometimes this is true and sometimes its not. Im not perfect. (Wow a lot of therapy to admit to that one!!)

Its just that there have been little moments over the past month that have tried to tell me that Im not enough. Im almost ashamed to admit it. I cant reach what I want to reach. I try and try, but I just cant. Im not enough.

How many times have I got to tell myself that this is not true? It comes to me in a whisper. Im not crazy - Im not hearing voices. It just comes into my thoughts and then I start to believe it. Its very subtle and before I know it, I have exploded. Im like a little party-popper with fruit-cake inside and then I explode for no reason. Its weird because by then, its like I have detached myself from my body and Im watching from the other side of the room and watching myself whilst I shake my head.

And then it happens. Its a very small moment. The cake time-bomb is lit. I have the power to diffuse it quickly, but sometimes there is a spark and it just goes. And the thing is, it makes me feel angry. It makes me feel sad and lonely, but most of all it makes me exhausted. I end up falling into my love's arms sobbing with shame and its done again and then Im just quiet. I have to breathe and reboot and hope it doesnt happen again. Its getting better. But because I am new to this, new to letting it out and not keeping it in, its taking me time to learn and relearn. I will get there one day!

And so I am home with my family for the Christmas holidays. I love them and they make me feel safe and happy. And when I am sitting next to the radiator, as I am whilst Im writing this, everything seems well.

And Im sorry. Im very sorry...