"Everybody dies but not everybody lives"
A. Sachs
Thursday, 7 January 2010
The best bit of today?
When my BF decided to print something and when I looked to see what it was, he had printed
'I LOVE YOU :)'
Sigh...all is better now x
'I LOVE YOU :)'
Sigh...all is better now x
Brick Walls
Brick walls are there for a reason : they let us know how badly we want things.
They are not there to keep you out. It is to keep out people who dont want it badly enough. They are to keep the others out. Not you!
Professor Randy Pausch
Sept. 18, 2007
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo&feature=player_embedded
They are not there to keep you out. It is to keep out people who dont want it badly enough. They are to keep the others out. Not you!
Professor Randy Pausch
Sept. 18, 2007
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo&feature=player_embedded
I have to write
There is something in my whole being that is telling me to write.
It is becoming more than a passion, more than the air that I breathe.
I feel that it is me. It every part of my being.
It is the blood pumping in my veins. It is in my heartbeat.
It is my secret.
I feel there is something in me knocking and trying to get me to open the door to my imagination.
I see a chink through the letterbox, and the gold glowing light penetrates my eyes and wipes away all the pretence of my world, all my fears, all my worries.
All I have to do is open the door, easy though it sounds, I have no door handle. The handle is on the other side. To open it, it must be opened on the other side by me. An impossibility I know, but I am so keen to find out how.
I no longer want to run from, I want to run towards. I want to crash down all barriers. I want to shout and sing and laugh and play and dance and live.
I am barely living now. I feel like I am on a life support machine. Keeping my in a place. Pretending that it is keeping me safe, making me think that If I move from this spot, I will die, worse still...that I will fail.
Why is it keeping me here? So that I cannot live.
And I want to live....I want to live so much....
It is becoming more than a passion, more than the air that I breathe.
I feel that it is me. It every part of my being.
It is the blood pumping in my veins. It is in my heartbeat.
It is my secret.
I feel there is something in me knocking and trying to get me to open the door to my imagination.
I see a chink through the letterbox, and the gold glowing light penetrates my eyes and wipes away all the pretence of my world, all my fears, all my worries.
All I have to do is open the door, easy though it sounds, I have no door handle. The handle is on the other side. To open it, it must be opened on the other side by me. An impossibility I know, but I am so keen to find out how.
I no longer want to run from, I want to run towards. I want to crash down all barriers. I want to shout and sing and laugh and play and dance and live.
I am barely living now. I feel like I am on a life support machine. Keeping my in a place. Pretending that it is keeping me safe, making me think that If I move from this spot, I will die, worse still...that I will fail.
Why is it keeping me here? So that I cannot live.
And I want to live....I want to live so much....
When I need you.
I have a sense of being pulled towards a memory when I hear this song. I am a small child and I have an intense feeling of being loved and being safe. I dont know what year it is, or what I was doing as a child. But when I hear this song, it fills me. It fills me so that it overflows.
When I need you
I just close my eyes and I'm with you
And all that I so wanna give you
It's only a heartbeat away
When I need love
I hold out my hands and I touch love
I never knew there was so much love
Keeping me warm night and day
Miles and miles of empty space in between us
The telephone can't take the place of your smile
But you know I won't be travelin' forever
It's cold out but hold out and do I like I do
When I need you
I just close my eyes and I'm with you
And all that I so wanna give you babe
It's only a heartbeat away
It's not easy when the road is your driver
Honey that's a heavy load that we bear
But you know I won't be traveling a lifetime
It's cold out but hold out and do like I do
Oh, I need you
When I need love
I hold out my hands and I touch love
I never knew there was so much love
Keeping me warm night and day
When I need you
Just close my eyes
And you're right here by my side
Keeping me warm night and day
I just hold out my hands
I just hold out my hand
And I'm with you darlin'
Yes, I'm with you darlin'
All I wanna give you
It's only a heartbeat away
Oh I need you
Leo Sayer
When I need you
I just close my eyes and I'm with you
And all that I so wanna give you
It's only a heartbeat away
When I need love
I hold out my hands and I touch love
I never knew there was so much love
Keeping me warm night and day
Miles and miles of empty space in between us
The telephone can't take the place of your smile
But you know I won't be travelin' forever
It's cold out but hold out and do I like I do
When I need you
I just close my eyes and I'm with you
And all that I so wanna give you babe
It's only a heartbeat away
It's not easy when the road is your driver
Honey that's a heavy load that we bear
But you know I won't be traveling a lifetime
It's cold out but hold out and do like I do
Oh, I need you
When I need love
I hold out my hands and I touch love
I never knew there was so much love
Keeping me warm night and day
When I need you
Just close my eyes
And you're right here by my side
Keeping me warm night and day
I just hold out my hands
I just hold out my hand
And I'm with you darlin'
Yes, I'm with you darlin'
All I wanna give you
It's only a heartbeat away
Oh I need you
Leo Sayer
Wednesday, 6 January 2010
If you dont know...
'If you don't know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else.'
Lawrence J. Peter
Lawrence J. Peter
Monday, 4 January 2010
Monday, 28 December 2009
How predictable
The adverts are on again.
Give up smoking, look after your tummy, lose weight, do this, do that, New Year - New You.
Cobblers! I have had enough!
What is it with consumerism. They are full of promises, but actually deliver very little. They are after your money and worst of all, your dignity. They set you up to fail. Which is what they want. There is no money to be made if we all succeeded and gave up smoking and ate well.
Everything is such a quick fix. Give up smoking with patches. Swallowing pills to lose weight, or even worse eating as less as possible. Detoxing, this diet, that diet.
No one want to know the truth, that it takes time. That you start with day 1 and then move to day 2 and then day 3. Its not attractive. Its not now. Everyone wants it now, or even better, yesterday!
I know people would be less inclined to do something if the advert ran like this:
Give up smoking today and be prepared for a really crappy few weeks, you will want to kill everybody probably. You will be cross and shout for no reason and will want to smoke anything or anybody given half the chance....god luck with that!
No, adverts don't work this way. Failure is good for business and then you can complain about it, have a low self-worth, eat more, drink and smoke more and repeat the cycle of low self esteem which makes you feel a failure and so therefore the cycle completes another round.
Why are people not strong enough? Why do we give into temptation at the first whim? Why do the box of chocolates seem to taste so sweet but leave a bitter aftertaste of guilt?
Thank goodness I cant eat any of those things anymore. I thought that dairy was the only thing aggravating my asthma, truth it, its most things. I gave up on soya and margarine about 3 weeks ago. I don't have so much coughing nowadays. I did eat some sheep cheese at my sisters a few days ago, and was coughing so much. Ive learnt my lesson. So the chocolate boxes don't tempt me. But they still look at me...they try to persuade me. They try to tempt me into me making the decision.
Oh...you ate us...it was you who chose, not us, we didnt jump into your mouth did we...you just haven't got enough will power...oh well...whilst youre herre, you might as well have another one...Brazil nut and toffee?
And so, I sit here again against the warmth of the radiator and wonder if I have the willpower? Am I a person who wants a quick fix? Do I want it yesterday?
Love for me dripped gradually into my life. I didn't expect it, or even nurture it at the beginning. There are times I run to it, and there are times I run from it. Yet a year and a half later, I wonder how it all started and what decisions I made leading up to it. It is hard sometimes and yet sometimes it is all very easy. However, it did not come quickly. It wouldn't have worked quickly. I truly felt pursued. It was a brilliant story. Its our story and I think about it often. I wonder what I have to give? And what he gives me. We are so very different that it frightens me. I have to not think about it or I start to run.
So, quick fixes, no thank you. Give me the slow, pursuing moments which unravel poetically. Give me the pain and the tears as they water my soul and makes me grow. Give me the night, for I know day arrives soon. Give me the slow and long path, for every step takes me nearer to where I want to go. Day 1 - I know I am worth it.
Give up smoking, look after your tummy, lose weight, do this, do that, New Year - New You.
Cobblers! I have had enough!
What is it with consumerism. They are full of promises, but actually deliver very little. They are after your money and worst of all, your dignity. They set you up to fail. Which is what they want. There is no money to be made if we all succeeded and gave up smoking and ate well.
Everything is such a quick fix. Give up smoking with patches. Swallowing pills to lose weight, or even worse eating as less as possible. Detoxing, this diet, that diet.
No one want to know the truth, that it takes time. That you start with day 1 and then move to day 2 and then day 3. Its not attractive. Its not now. Everyone wants it now, or even better, yesterday!
I know people would be less inclined to do something if the advert ran like this:
Give up smoking today and be prepared for a really crappy few weeks, you will want to kill everybody probably. You will be cross and shout for no reason and will want to smoke anything or anybody given half the chance....god luck with that!
No, adverts don't work this way. Failure is good for business and then you can complain about it, have a low self-worth, eat more, drink and smoke more and repeat the cycle of low self esteem which makes you feel a failure and so therefore the cycle completes another round.
Why are people not strong enough? Why do we give into temptation at the first whim? Why do the box of chocolates seem to taste so sweet but leave a bitter aftertaste of guilt?
Thank goodness I cant eat any of those things anymore. I thought that dairy was the only thing aggravating my asthma, truth it, its most things. I gave up on soya and margarine about 3 weeks ago. I don't have so much coughing nowadays. I did eat some sheep cheese at my sisters a few days ago, and was coughing so much. Ive learnt my lesson. So the chocolate boxes don't tempt me. But they still look at me...they try to persuade me. They try to tempt me into me making the decision.
Oh...you ate us...it was you who chose, not us, we didnt jump into your mouth did we...you just haven't got enough will power...oh well...whilst youre herre, you might as well have another one...Brazil nut and toffee?
And so, I sit here again against the warmth of the radiator and wonder if I have the willpower? Am I a person who wants a quick fix? Do I want it yesterday?
Love for me dripped gradually into my life. I didn't expect it, or even nurture it at the beginning. There are times I run to it, and there are times I run from it. Yet a year and a half later, I wonder how it all started and what decisions I made leading up to it. It is hard sometimes and yet sometimes it is all very easy. However, it did not come quickly. It wouldn't have worked quickly. I truly felt pursued. It was a brilliant story. Its our story and I think about it often. I wonder what I have to give? And what he gives me. We are so very different that it frightens me. I have to not think about it or I start to run.
So, quick fixes, no thank you. Give me the slow, pursuing moments which unravel poetically. Give me the pain and the tears as they water my soul and makes me grow. Give me the night, for I know day arrives soon. Give me the slow and long path, for every step takes me nearer to where I want to go. Day 1 - I know I am worth it.
Sunday, 27 December 2009
Can you meet me half way?
I can't go any further then this
I want you so badly, it's my biggest wish
I spent my time just thinkin thinkin thinkin bout you
Every single day yes, i'm really missin' missin' you
And all those things we use to use to use to do
Hey girl, wuz up, it use to be just me and you
I spent my time just thinkin thinkin thinkin bout you
Every single day, yes i'm really missin missin you
And all those things we use to use to use to do
Hey girl wuz up, wuz up, wuz up, wuz up
Meet me halfway, right at the boarderline
That's where i'm gonna wait, for you
I'll be lookin out, night n'day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where i'll stay
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish
Girl,i travel round the world and even sail the seven seas
Across the universe I go to other galexies
Just tell me where you want, just tell me where you wanna to meet
I navigate myself myself to take me where you be
Cause girl I want, i, i, I want you right now
I travel uptown (town) I travel downtown
I wanna to have you around (round) like every single day
I love you alway..way
Can you meet me half way (I'll meet you halfway)
Right at the boarderline
That's where i'm gonna wait, for you
I'll be lookin out, night n'day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where i'll stay
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish
Let's walk the bridge, to the other side
Just you and I (just you and I)
I will fly, i'll fly the skies, for you and I (for you and I)
I will try, until I die, for you and i, for you and i, for for you and i,
For for you and i, for for you and i, for you and i
Can you meet me half way (yup yup)
Can you meet me half way (yup yup)
Can you meet me half way (yup yup)
Can you meet me half way (yup yup)
Meet me half way, right at the boarderline
That's where i'm gonna wait, for you
I'll be lookin out, night n'day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where i'll stay
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish
Black Eyed Peas
I want you so badly, it's my biggest wish
I spent my time just thinkin thinkin thinkin bout you
Every single day yes, i'm really missin' missin' you
And all those things we use to use to use to do
Hey girl, wuz up, it use to be just me and you
I spent my time just thinkin thinkin thinkin bout you
Every single day, yes i'm really missin missin you
And all those things we use to use to use to do
Hey girl wuz up, wuz up, wuz up, wuz up
Meet me halfway, right at the boarderline
That's where i'm gonna wait, for you
I'll be lookin out, night n'day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where i'll stay
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish
Girl,i travel round the world and even sail the seven seas
Across the universe I go to other galexies
Just tell me where you want, just tell me where you wanna to meet
I navigate myself myself to take me where you be
Cause girl I want, i, i, I want you right now
I travel uptown (town) I travel downtown
I wanna to have you around (round) like every single day
I love you alway..way
Can you meet me half way (I'll meet you halfway)
Right at the boarderline
That's where i'm gonna wait, for you
I'll be lookin out, night n'day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where i'll stay
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish
Let's walk the bridge, to the other side
Just you and I (just you and I)
I will fly, i'll fly the skies, for you and I (for you and I)
I will try, until I die, for you and i, for you and i, for for you and i,
For for you and i, for for you and i, for you and i
Can you meet me half way (yup yup)
Can you meet me half way (yup yup)
Can you meet me half way (yup yup)
Can you meet me half way (yup yup)
Meet me half way, right at the boarderline
That's where i'm gonna wait, for you
I'll be lookin out, night n'day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where i'll stay
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish
Black Eyed Peas
What do I need?
I need restoration.
I need an intimate counsel, and I know that counseling leads to deep restoration.
I have issues in my heart that need speaking to. Some of my wounds were enough to break my heart, they created a rift in my soul, and so I need healing as well.
I need someone strong enough to walk me into it— sometimes through the help of another person who can listen, sometimes with someone alone.
I need someone to lead me away, to a quiet place, to restore my soul.
My first choice is to go there—to slow down, unplug, accept the invitation to come aside. I won’t find healing in the midst of the Matrix.
I need time.
This often comes on the heels of issues being raised in my heart or after I've just relived an event that takes us straight to that broken place, or waking as I did to a raw emotion.
When we are in his presence, removed from distractions, we are able to hear him more clearly, and a secure environment has been established for the broken places in our hearts to surface.
Adapted from John Eldredge - Waking the dead
I need an intimate counsel, and I know that counseling leads to deep restoration.
I have issues in my heart that need speaking to. Some of my wounds were enough to break my heart, they created a rift in my soul, and so I need healing as well.
I need someone strong enough to walk me into it— sometimes through the help of another person who can listen, sometimes with someone alone.
I need someone to lead me away, to a quiet place, to restore my soul.
My first choice is to go there—to slow down, unplug, accept the invitation to come aside. I won’t find healing in the midst of the Matrix.
I need time.
This often comes on the heels of issues being raised in my heart or after I've just relived an event that takes us straight to that broken place, or waking as I did to a raw emotion.
When we are in his presence, removed from distractions, we are able to hear him more clearly, and a secure environment has been established for the broken places in our hearts to surface.
Adapted from John Eldredge - Waking the dead
Friday, 25 December 2009
If you only have a...
"If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail."
Abraham Maslow
Abraham Maslow
The Journey
“Whether we realize it or not,we are always on a spiritual journey-even when we feel most lost.”
Frank Warren
Frank Warren
The Strength of a Castle
However strong a castle may be, if a treacherous party resides inside (ready to betray at the first opportunity possible), the castle cannot be kept safe from the enemy.
Traitors occupy our own hearts, ready to side with every temptation and to surrender to them all.
John Owen, Sin and Temptation
Traitors occupy our own hearts, ready to side with every temptation and to surrender to them all.
John Owen, Sin and Temptation
Wednesday, 23 December 2009
Thank Goodness For This
Thank goodness I have somewhere to write and to express all the fruit-cakey moments that seem to appear at random moments.
I was told today by my love that hopefully going home to see my family for Christmas would un-fruit me, either that, or they would turn me to jam! (You had to be there).
What has caused this this time? Well, its a bit like a dripping tap. One drop here, another drop there, or 'tutai e tam' (I did a 2 hour Polish Lesson on my MP3 today).
I havent been well. It hasnt really done a lot for my self esteem. Ive been very low for a while now and been a bit lost. I need to discover who I am.
And it always seems to boil down to one word.
Rejection.
I know, I know, it seems silly writing this. I am far from rejected. Its the potential rejection. I know I am loved and liked. I try to be a good person, and like most people, sometimes this is true and sometimes its not. Im not perfect. (Wow a lot of therapy to admit to that one!!)
Its just that there have been little moments over the past month that have tried to tell me that Im not enough. Im almost ashamed to admit it. I cant reach what I want to reach. I try and try, but I just cant. Im not enough.
How many times have I got to tell myself that this is not true? It comes to me in a whisper. Im not crazy - Im not hearing voices. It just comes into my thoughts and then I start to believe it. Its very subtle and before I know it, I have exploded. Im like a little party-popper with fruit-cake inside and then I explode for no reason. Its weird because by then, its like I have detached myself from my body and Im watching from the other side of the room and watching myself whilst I shake my head.
And then it happens. Its a very small moment. The cake time-bomb is lit. I have the power to diffuse it quickly, but sometimes there is a spark and it just goes. And the thing is, it makes me feel angry. It makes me feel sad and lonely, but most of all it makes me exhausted. I end up falling into my love's arms sobbing with shame and its done again and then Im just quiet. I have to breathe and reboot and hope it doesnt happen again. Its getting better. But because I am new to this, new to letting it out and not keeping it in, its taking me time to learn and relearn. I will get there one day!
And so I am home with my family for the Christmas holidays. I love them and they make me feel safe and happy. And when I am sitting next to the radiator, as I am whilst Im writing this, everything seems well.
And Im sorry. Im very sorry...
I was told today by my love that hopefully going home to see my family for Christmas would un-fruit me, either that, or they would turn me to jam! (You had to be there).
What has caused this this time? Well, its a bit like a dripping tap. One drop here, another drop there, or 'tutai e tam' (I did a 2 hour Polish Lesson on my MP3 today).
I havent been well. It hasnt really done a lot for my self esteem. Ive been very low for a while now and been a bit lost. I need to discover who I am.
And it always seems to boil down to one word.
Rejection.
I know, I know, it seems silly writing this. I am far from rejected. Its the potential rejection. I know I am loved and liked. I try to be a good person, and like most people, sometimes this is true and sometimes its not. Im not perfect. (Wow a lot of therapy to admit to that one!!)
Its just that there have been little moments over the past month that have tried to tell me that Im not enough. Im almost ashamed to admit it. I cant reach what I want to reach. I try and try, but I just cant. Im not enough.
How many times have I got to tell myself that this is not true? It comes to me in a whisper. Im not crazy - Im not hearing voices. It just comes into my thoughts and then I start to believe it. Its very subtle and before I know it, I have exploded. Im like a little party-popper with fruit-cake inside and then I explode for no reason. Its weird because by then, its like I have detached myself from my body and Im watching from the other side of the room and watching myself whilst I shake my head.
And then it happens. Its a very small moment. The cake time-bomb is lit. I have the power to diffuse it quickly, but sometimes there is a spark and it just goes. And the thing is, it makes me feel angry. It makes me feel sad and lonely, but most of all it makes me exhausted. I end up falling into my love's arms sobbing with shame and its done again and then Im just quiet. I have to breathe and reboot and hope it doesnt happen again. Its getting better. But because I am new to this, new to letting it out and not keeping it in, its taking me time to learn and relearn. I will get there one day!
And so I am home with my family for the Christmas holidays. I love them and they make me feel safe and happy. And when I am sitting next to the radiator, as I am whilst Im writing this, everything seems well.
And Im sorry. Im very sorry...
Tuesday, 22 December 2009
Monday, 21 December 2009
My lover speaks
My lover speaks;
he says to me,
“Arise, my beloved,
my beautiful one,
and come!”
Song of Songs 2:10
he says to me,
“Arise, my beloved,
my beautiful one,
and come!”
Song of Songs 2:10
Window of the soul
Life’s dim window of the soul distorts the heavens from pole to pole,
and leads you to believe a lie,
when you see with,
not through,
the eye.
William Blake
and leads you to believe a lie,
when you see with,
not through,
the eye.
William Blake
Sunday, 20 December 2009
What is?
What is fear?
Is it the unexpected that may happen?
Is it what you hope not to happen?
Is it a ticking timebomb?
Is it slow to cook, slow to grow, slow to appear?
What is happiness?
Is it the unexpected that may happen?
Is it what you hope not to happen?
Is it a ticking timebomb?
Is it slow to cook, slow to grow, slow to appear?
What is love?
Is it the unexpected that may happen?
Is it what you hope not to happen?
Is it a ticking timebomb?
Is it slow to cook, slow to grow, slow to appear?
What is life?
Is it the unexpected that may happen?
Is it what you hope not to happen?
Is it a ticking timebomb?
Is it slow to cook, slow to grow, slow to appear?
Is it the unexpected that may happen?
Is it what you hope not to happen?
Is it a ticking timebomb?
Is it slow to cook, slow to grow, slow to appear?
What is happiness?
Is it the unexpected that may happen?
Is it what you hope not to happen?
Is it a ticking timebomb?
Is it slow to cook, slow to grow, slow to appear?
What is love?
Is it the unexpected that may happen?
Is it what you hope not to happen?
Is it a ticking timebomb?
Is it slow to cook, slow to grow, slow to appear?
What is life?
Is it the unexpected that may happen?
Is it what you hope not to happen?
Is it a ticking timebomb?
Is it slow to cook, slow to grow, slow to appear?
Just Like Heaven
Show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream he said
The one that makes me laugh he said
And threw his arms around my neck
Show me how you do it
And I promise you I promise that
I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you
Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed his face and kissed his head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make him glow
Why are you so far away? he said
Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you
That I'm in love with you
You, soft and only
You,lost and lonely
You, strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream
You're just like a dream
Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe his name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only boy I loved
And drowned him deep inside of me
You, soft and only
You, lost and lonely
You, just like heaven
You, soft and only
You, lost and lonely
You, just like heaven
Katie Melua
The one that makes me scream he said
The one that makes me laugh he said
And threw his arms around my neck
Show me how you do it
And I promise you I promise that
I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you
Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed his face and kissed his head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make him glow
Why are you so far away? he said
Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you
That I'm in love with you
You, soft and only
You,lost and lonely
You, strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream
You're just like a dream
Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe his name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only boy I loved
And drowned him deep inside of me
You, soft and only
You, lost and lonely
You, just like heaven
You, soft and only
You, lost and lonely
You, just like heaven
Katie Melua
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