How predictable

The adverts are on again.

Give up smoking, look after your tummy, lose weight, do this, do that, New Year - New You.
Cobblers! I have had enough!

What is it with consumerism. They are full of promises, but actually deliver very little. They are after your money and worst of all, your dignity. They set you up to fail. Which is what they want. There is no money to be made if we all succeeded and gave up smoking and ate well.

Everything is such a quick fix. Give up smoking with patches. Swallowing pills to lose weight, or even worse eating as less as possible. Detoxing, this diet, that diet.

No one want to know the truth, that it takes time. That you start with day 1 and then move to day 2 and then day 3. Its not attractive. Its not now. Everyone wants it now, or even better, yesterday!

I know people would be less inclined to do something if the advert ran like this:
Give up smoking today and be prepared for a really crappy few weeks, you will want to kill everybody probably. You will be cross and shout for no reason and will want to smoke anything or anybody given half the chance....god luck with that!

No, adverts don't work this way. Failure is good for business and then you can complain about it, have a low self-worth, eat more, drink and smoke more and repeat the cycle of low self esteem which makes you feel a failure and so therefore the cycle completes another round.

Why are people not strong enough? Why do we give into temptation at the first whim? Why do the box of chocolates seem to taste so sweet but leave a bitter aftertaste of guilt?

Thank goodness I cant eat any of those things anymore. I thought that dairy was the only thing aggravating my asthma, truth it, its most things. I gave up on soya and margarine about 3 weeks ago. I don't have so much coughing nowadays. I did eat some sheep cheese at my sisters a few days ago, and was coughing so much. Ive learnt my lesson. So the chocolate boxes don't tempt me. But they still look at me...they try to persuade me. They try to tempt me into me making the decision.

Oh...you ate us...it was you who chose, not us, we didnt jump into your mouth did we...you just haven't got enough will power...oh well...whilst youre herre, you might as well have another one...Brazil nut and toffee?

And so, I sit here again against the warmth of the radiator and wonder if I have the willpower? Am I a person who wants a quick fix? Do I want it yesterday?

Love for me dripped gradually into my life. I didn't expect it, or even nurture it at the beginning. There are times I run to it, and there are times I run from it. Yet a year and a half later, I wonder how it all started and what decisions I made leading up to it. It is hard sometimes and yet sometimes it is all very easy. However, it did not come quickly. It wouldn't have worked quickly. I truly felt pursued. It was a brilliant story. Its our story and I think about it often. I wonder what I have to give? And what he gives me. We are so very different that it frightens me. I have to not think about it or I start to run.

So, quick fixes, no thank you. Give me the slow, pursuing moments which unravel poetically. Give me the pain and the tears as they water my soul and makes me grow. Give me the night, for I know day arrives soon. Give me the slow and long path, for every step takes me nearer to where I want to go. Day 1 - I know I am worth it.

Can you meet me half way?

I can't go any further then this
I want you so badly, it's my biggest wish

I spent my time just thinkin thinkin thinkin bout you
Every single day yes, i'm really missin' missin' you
And all those things we use to use to use to do
Hey girl, wuz up, it use to be just me and you
I spent my time just thinkin thinkin thinkin bout you
Every single day, yes i'm really missin missin you
And all those things we use to use to use to do
Hey girl wuz up, wuz up, wuz up, wuz up

Meet me halfway, right at the boarderline
That's where i'm gonna wait, for you
I'll be lookin out, night n'day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where i'll stay
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish

Girl,i travel round the world and even sail the seven seas
Across the universe I go to other galexies
Just tell me where you want, just tell me where you wanna to meet
I navigate myself myself to take me where you be
Cause girl I want, i, i, I want you right now
I travel uptown (town) I travel downtown
I wanna to have you around (round) like every single day
I love you alway..way

Can you meet me half way (I'll meet you halfway)
Right at the boarderline
That's where i'm gonna wait, for you
I'll be lookin out, night n'day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where i'll stay
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish

Let's walk the bridge, to the other side
Just you and I (just you and I)
I will fly, i'll fly the skies, for you and I (for you and I)
I will try, until I die, for you and i, for you and i, for for you and i,
For for you and i, for for you and i, for you and i

Can you meet me half way (yup yup)
Can you meet me half way (yup yup)
Can you meet me half way (yup yup)
Can you meet me half way (yup yup)
Meet me half way, right at the boarderline
That's where i'm gonna wait, for you
I'll be lookin out, night n'day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where i'll stay
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish

Black Eyed Peas

What do I need?

I need restoration.

I need an intimate counsel, and I know that counseling leads to deep restoration.

I have issues in my heart that need speaking to. Some of my wounds were enough to break my heart, they created a rift in my soul, and so I need healing as well.

I need someone strong enough to walk me into it— sometimes through the help of another person who can listen, sometimes with someone alone.

I need someone to lead me away, to a quiet place, to restore my soul.

My first choice is to go there—to slow down, unplug, accept the invitation to come aside. I won’t find healing in the midst of the Matrix.

I need time.

This often comes on the heels of issues being raised in my heart or after I've just relived an event that takes us straight to that broken place, or waking as I did to a raw emotion.

When we are in his presence, removed from distractions, we are able to hear him more clearly, and a secure environment has been established for the broken places in our hearts to surface.

Adapted from John Eldredge - Waking the dead

If you only have a...

"If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail."

Abraham Maslow

The Journey

“Whether we realize it or not,we are always on a spiritual journey-even when we feel most lost.”

Frank Warren

The Strength of a Castle

However strong a castle may be, if a treacherous party resides inside (ready to betray at the first opportunity possible), the castle cannot be kept safe from the enemy.

Traitors occupy our own hearts, ready to side with every temptation and to surrender to them all.

John Owen, Sin and Temptation

Thank Goodness For This

Thank goodness I have somewhere to write and to express all the fruit-cakey moments that seem to appear at random moments.

I was told today by my love that hopefully going home to see my family for Christmas would un-fruit me, either that, or they would turn me to jam! (You had to be there).

What has caused this this time? Well, its a bit like a dripping tap. One drop here, another drop there, or 'tutai e tam' (I did a 2 hour Polish Lesson on my MP3 today).

I havent been well. It hasnt really done a lot for my self esteem. Ive been very low for a while now and been a bit lost. I need to discover who I am.

And it always seems to boil down to one word.
Rejection.

I know, I know, it seems silly writing this. I am far from rejected. Its the potential rejection. I know I am loved and liked. I try to be a good person, and like most people, sometimes this is true and sometimes its not. Im not perfect. (Wow a lot of therapy to admit to that one!!)

Its just that there have been little moments over the past month that have tried to tell me that Im not enough. Im almost ashamed to admit it. I cant reach what I want to reach. I try and try, but I just cant. Im not enough.

How many times have I got to tell myself that this is not true? It comes to me in a whisper. Im not crazy - Im not hearing voices. It just comes into my thoughts and then I start to believe it. Its very subtle and before I know it, I have exploded. Im like a little party-popper with fruit-cake inside and then I explode for no reason. Its weird because by then, its like I have detached myself from my body and Im watching from the other side of the room and watching myself whilst I shake my head.

And then it happens. Its a very small moment. The cake time-bomb is lit. I have the power to diffuse it quickly, but sometimes there is a spark and it just goes. And the thing is, it makes me feel angry. It makes me feel sad and lonely, but most of all it makes me exhausted. I end up falling into my love's arms sobbing with shame and its done again and then Im just quiet. I have to breathe and reboot and hope it doesnt happen again. Its getting better. But because I am new to this, new to letting it out and not keeping it in, its taking me time to learn and relearn. I will get there one day!

And so I am home with my family for the Christmas holidays. I love them and they make me feel safe and happy. And when I am sitting next to the radiator, as I am whilst Im writing this, everything seems well.

And Im sorry. Im very sorry...

Reasons

The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of

Blaise Pascal
1623-1662

Ready...steady...go.

My lover speaks

My lover speaks;
he says to me,
“Arise, my beloved,
my beautiful one,
and come!”

Song of Songs 2:10

Window of the soul

Life’s dim window of the soul distorts the heavens from pole to pole,
and leads you to believe a lie,
when you see with,
not through,
the eye.

William Blake

What is?

What is fear?
Is it the unexpected that may happen?
Is it what you hope not to happen?
Is it a ticking timebomb?
Is it slow to cook, slow to grow, slow to appear?

What is happiness?
Is it the unexpected that may happen?
Is it what you hope not to happen?
Is it a ticking timebomb?
Is it slow to cook, slow to grow, slow to appear?

What is love?
Is it the unexpected that may happen?
Is it what you hope not to happen?
Is it a ticking timebomb?
Is it slow to cook, slow to grow, slow to appear?

What is life?
Is it the unexpected that may happen?
Is it what you hope not to happen?
Is it a ticking timebomb?
Is it slow to cook, slow to grow, slow to appear?

Just Like Heaven

Show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream he said
The one that makes me laugh he said
And threw his arms around my neck
Show me how you do it
And I promise you I promise that
I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you

Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed his face and kissed his head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make him glow
Why are you so far away? he said
Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you
That I'm in love with you

You, soft and only
You,lost and lonely
You, strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream
You're just like a dream

Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe his name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only boy I loved
And drowned him deep inside of me

You, soft and only
You, lost and lonely
You, just like heaven

You, soft and only
You, lost and lonely
You, just like heaven

Katie Melua

Rubbish

Having a cold is rubbish.

Its not the sniffing or blocked up nose. Its not the countless tissues which I have to rub my red nose sore. Its not even the headaches. Its the lack of energy and general tiredness.

And after a week...Im bored of it

Where the wild things are...

The anaesthetic is wearing off again.

My existence is numbing my life.

Is this a sudden epiphany or a long awaited revelation?

It all started this morning...well actually it started a lot longer ago, but this morning I resumed the story.

I was awake at 6.45am and I was thirsty. Not physically, but emotionally. I have had a lot on my mind at the moment,which for me is nothing more than a wonder. How could I possibly have more on my mind? You see. I always have things on my mind, so it fair to say that I am concentrating my thought on an aspect in particular.

My thoughts are like a multitude of conveyor belts wheeling in countless thoughts, all unrelated and mostly random, in various directions, at varying speeds, all around me during every waking moment and every night I sleep. My dreams, however, are the ones I cannot control.

Anyway, back to the thirst.

I wanted to read something. I was thirsty for something. Thirsty for something in particular. I needed some kind of knowledge that would turn the key and give me the answer for the churning thoughts. They are always with me, they never leave. They may rest for a while and then as if a wind has picked them up and whirled them in front of my eyes and then we are introduced once more.

As I have experienced more, I have decided, on various occasions, to leave many of my thoughts to one side. There are some that do not serve to accompany me through my life. They contain small poison arrows which splinter my heart and whisk me away to the barren and hopeless land where no one should ever tread. I have walked there. It's is not for hearts like mine.

Some thoughts I know are counter-productive. I don not have the answer to them at this time, in this place. They are like small fruit seeds thoughts that I demand to bear fruit. Their time has not yet come, and so I wait and see what fruit they will provide. Waiting cannot be overcome by wanting. Time is time, and time will have to pass.

And then there are my dandelion thoughts. They whirl and dash and float and glide. They come and go and come an go.

So, finding myself in the midst of these thoughts, I wanted something else. I needed something else.

I looked upon my bookshelf. On the shelves live many a bound book full of secrets, full of life. I found a book that I have read before. Maybe ten years ago. Maybe more, but definitely not less. My pencil underlinings gave myself away. The countless pages I had marked. The countless pages I had left as a message to myself in case I forgot. I did forget.

I learnt so much about myself, my actions, my reactions. In fact, I had enough information in my hands to defeat any problems I had or would ever have.

So what happened? I became inebriated by life. The normalness of doing everyday things grabbed me again and anaesthetised me. I became happy with the birdcage from within.

Over and over again, this is how it happens:
a) Problem occurs. Much soul searching follows and revelation concludes.
b) Determination is made to change and continue on a different path.
c) I wake up and find much time has passed and I have found myself both asleep and no further along the path.

How does this keep happening? I awake to find myself none the wiser and then it repeats itself. Why do I forget? What makes me forget?

I feel like Neo from the Matrix. Something bigger than this, bigger than me, is going on. Something is keeping me here chained to my life, inebriated by my failures and my thoughts and my memories. Numb by the fear of what is to come. I am making excuses for staying in this prison cell, this birdcage, this anomaly.

It is snowing, but it is not settling. And neither will I.

This time. I'm going to stay awake!

love
made
make
man
many
may
more
much
must
name

If I could have just one wish,
I would wish to wake up everyday
to the sound of your breath on my neck,
the warmth of your lips on my cheek,
the touch of your fingers on my skin,
and the feel of your heart beating with mine...
Knowing that I could never find that feeling
with anyone other than you.

- Courtney Kuchta –

Entirely

If we could get the hang of it entirely
It would take too long;
All we know is the splash of words in passing
and falling twigs of song,
And when we try to eavesdrop on the great
Presences it is rarely
That by a stroke of luck we can appropriate
Even a phrase entirely.

If we could find our happiness entirely
In somebody else's arms
We should not fear the spears of the spring nor the city's
Yammering fire alarms
But, as it is, the spears each year go through
Our flesh and almost hourly
Bell or siren banishes the blue
Eyes of Love entirely.

And if the world were black or white entirely
And all the charts were plain
Instead of a mad weir of tigerish waters,
A prism of delight and pain,
We might be surer where we wished to go
Or again we might be merely
Bored but in the brute reality there is no
Road that is right entirely.

Louis MacNeice (1907-1963)

A Dream Within A Dream

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow—
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream:
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand—
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep
While I weep—while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

Edgar Allan Poe