My runaway head

Sometimes, things are too much for me.

Being in the middle is a hard job, especially as you see all the sides of the same story.

People arguing through you and towards you is a difficult thing to have to do. Especially when all of them want to express what they feel and how the other person has done them wrong.

Listening to people calming down and watching themselves rationalize their emotions is hard to watch.

Trying to sweep up the pieces and put things back together is even harder.

My mum is the easy one. She and my sister are the same. They volcano and spew out the nastiest of words. They are horrible to one another, and then everything is OK. A sorry means sorry and then things move on. They both separately drank a bottle of wine to help and then today everything seems to be OK.

My dad however, is very like me.

He switches off at a seconds notice. He pushes you to reject him and when you show the slightest confirmation of this. He withdraws so much that it is almost impossible to reach him.

The only one to reach him? Someone who acts the same...me.

He gave me an olive branch today, and although I didn't want to take it. I did. I suggested a plan and he took it. My family means a great deal to me. Its the only one I have.

There was a time when our family was broken. We all fought over my sister and a new relationship, and four became three. Well actually, three separate people living in the same house. No one spoke to each other. They showed me how to bury your feelings and they showed me how not to talk and not express your feelings. Withdrawn people learned to keep away, as nobody wanted to talk to you anyway. We survived and that was all. Months went by. We coped and did things but they didn't really mean anything. A part of us was missing. We managed.

Then my sister came back into our lives. Things began to be reconciled, bridges built. It was a very slow and very painful path. We tried to do everything we could to make things better and reconcile things. It took time, and although things were different, as adults we talked, we became closer. It took years. People looking at us today don't appreciate or even realize everything that happened. But we do. We were there. We lived through it.

My sister is moving. A very happy move this time. She moving a few hours away with the man that she loves very much. He is very good to her and her young family.

My parents are taking this very hard. Both retiring, a few friends they relied on have passed away and now, they are going to miss their daughter and grandchildren. Its going to be hard for them. Its going to be hard for everyone.

And as last time, after everyone is OK, then I shall sort myself out.

Only this time I wont make the same mistake and run away when they all fight. I am staying, and as hard as it is. I wouldn't do anything else.