In a whirlwind of fruit and cake

Im quiet again.

Which can only mean one thing...

A lifetime of telling people that Im tired or that I have a headache doesnt work with the two people that I most want to hide from. They have long deciphered the code and become aware of what it actually means. Which is great, but also very annoying.

I was told today that the 'display for fruit-cakeness' is actually written on my forehead as a frown. Great! I cant even bloody hide that anymore!

My fruitcake moments cresecendo into a whirlwind of emotions.

Every second of every waking moment, I think a thousand thoughts; and when I am asleep, I dream a thousand thoughts. Everything and every possible scenario is played through my head. Actually its a wonder I have enough energy to do anything. There are days when I am mentally tired from all the thinking I do.

I am thousands of miles away, and it only seems now that I am reaching some kind of clarity. Its the same message that has been trying to get through to me for a while now. That perfection isnt possible and trying for it makes you feel like a faliure. This is the message. Do you think I have realised this? I can tell you logically, but in my heart I keep thinking that if I do a little bit more, or a little bit harder then everything will be alright. You and I know that it doesnt work like this.

And so, for a while now I have been underachieveing. Of course, if you dont try, you dont fail do you! Underachieving is the other end of the scale of obsession. I have gone form one end of the see-saw to the other and actually I think its a rubbish game. Try to hard and you fail, try to little and you fail because you dont even get to do it. And so, here is the formulaic equation

High expectations+over-reliance on perfection=fail
Low expectations + no reliance on perfection = unachieving+ fail

(Both scenarios) + worrying = fruitcake syndrome

The whirlwind of Fruitcake always lifts me up in such a frienzy that I feel powerless and the first symptom is a lack of speech, its a shutdown, a numbness, a withdrawl. Its the last thing I want to do, because it is so obvious to those who have deciphered it. It would be great if they didnt know and I could be a fruicake in my own little world, but I have tried, its just how it happens.

Sigh

So, how am I going to get this message through my very thick skull?

I am going through transition period. The old me has gone and the new me isnt here yet. I am neither catterpiller nor butterfly. I am an inbetween uncomfortable phase where I dont know what is happening. I have to wait.

I have to in the mean time, cut off the thoughts that keep telling me the following.
1. You cant run fast enough or for longer.
2. You cant learn to fly.
3. You cant lose weight.
3. You are not good enough to write your first novel.
4. You cant do your job to the best ability
5. You should play your whole life safe.

It reminds me of the Bible story of the 3 men who are given talents. The last one wastes them because he is too frightened of what could happen. He is frightened of losing what he has and so therefore buries it in order to preserve it. What he ends up having is a life wasted and a life being frightened. I can tell you know, he isnt rewarded and ends up losing what he tried so hard to preserve.

Sigh.

Coconut needs a big hammer.

Im off to find one. :)