The anaesthetic is wearing off again.

My existence is numbing my life.

Is this a sudden epiphany or a long awaited revelation?

It all started this morning...well actually it started a lot longer ago, but this morning I resumed the story.

I was awake at 6.45am and I was thirsty. Not physically, but emotionally. I have had a lot on my mind at the moment,which for me is nothing more than a wonder. How could I possibly have more on my mind? You see. I always have things on my mind, so it fair to say that I am concentrating my thought on an aspect in particular.

My thoughts are like a multitude of conveyor belts wheeling in countless thoughts, all unrelated and mostly random, in various directions, at varying speeds, all around me during every waking moment and every night I sleep. My dreams, however, are the ones I cannot control.

Anyway, back to the thirst.

I wanted to read something. I was thirsty for something. Thirsty for something in particular. I needed some kind of knowledge that would turn the key and give me the answer for the churning thoughts. They are always with me, they never leave. They may rest for a while and then as if a wind has picked them up and whirled them in front of my eyes and then we are introduced once more.

As I have experienced more, I have decided, on various occasions, to leave many of my thoughts to one side. There are some that do not serve to accompany me through my life. They contain small poison arrows which splinter my heart and whisk me away to the barren and hopeless land where no one should ever tread. I have walked there. It's is not for hearts like mine.

Some thoughts I know are counter-productive. I don not have the answer to them at this time, in this place. They are like small fruit seeds thoughts that I demand to bear fruit. Their time has not yet come, and so I wait and see what fruit they will provide. Waiting cannot be overcome by wanting. Time is time, and time will have to pass.

And then there are my dandelion thoughts. They whirl and dash and float and glide. They come and go and come an go.

So, finding myself in the midst of these thoughts, I wanted something else. I needed something else.

I looked upon my bookshelf. On the shelves live many a bound book full of secrets, full of life. I found a book that I have read before. Maybe ten years ago. Maybe more, but definitely not less. My pencil underlinings gave myself away. The countless pages I had marked. The countless pages I had left as a message to myself in case I forgot. I did forget.

I learnt so much about myself, my actions, my reactions. In fact, I had enough information in my hands to defeat any problems I had or would ever have.

So what happened? I became inebriated by life. The normalness of doing everyday things grabbed me again and anaesthetised me. I became happy with the birdcage from within.

Over and over again, this is how it happens:
a) Problem occurs. Much soul searching follows and revelation concludes.
b) Determination is made to change and continue on a different path.
c) I wake up and find much time has passed and I have found myself both asleep and no further along the path.

How does this keep happening? I awake to find myself none the wiser and then it repeats itself. Why do I forget? What makes me forget?

I feel like Neo from the Matrix. Something bigger than this, bigger than me, is going on. Something is keeping me here chained to my life, inebriated by my failures and my thoughts and my memories. Numb by the fear of what is to come. I am making excuses for staying in this prison cell, this birdcage, this anomaly.

It is snowing, but it is not settling. And neither will I.

This time. I'm going to stay awake!

love
made
make
man
many
may
more
much
must
name

If I could have just one wish,
I would wish to wake up everyday
to the sound of your breath on my neck,
the warmth of your lips on my cheek,
the touch of your fingers on my skin,
and the feel of your heart beating with mine...
Knowing that I could never find that feeling
with anyone other than you.

- Courtney Kuchta –

Entirely

If we could get the hang of it entirely
It would take too long;
All we know is the splash of words in passing
and falling twigs of song,
And when we try to eavesdrop on the great
Presences it is rarely
That by a stroke of luck we can appropriate
Even a phrase entirely.

If we could find our happiness entirely
In somebody else's arms
We should not fear the spears of the spring nor the city's
Yammering fire alarms
But, as it is, the spears each year go through
Our flesh and almost hourly
Bell or siren banishes the blue
Eyes of Love entirely.

And if the world were black or white entirely
And all the charts were plain
Instead of a mad weir of tigerish waters,
A prism of delight and pain,
We might be surer where we wished to go
Or again we might be merely
Bored but in the brute reality there is no
Road that is right entirely.

Louis MacNeice (1907-1963)

A Dream Within A Dream

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow—
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream:
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand—
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep
While I weep—while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

Edgar Allan Poe

I was rescued today.

I put the key into the lock and I could feel the tears coming. Unitl now, I wasnt actually going to cry. I was just angry. I spent the past 5 minutes getting more cross by the steps I was taking. But then once home, the tears came.

It was not the end of the world. It wasnt even the end of anything actually. I felt though that I had been beaten. The battle had beaten me and now I was going home defeated.

'They are ruined!' was all I managed to say as I cried into his t-shirt and leave a shroud of turin mark where I had sobbed. 10 minutes earlier I had left with a smile on my face, and here I was returning raining tears across my saddened face.

I had gone out for a run and after a few steps realised that the stictch I had in my side was going to be a pain for the whole of my run. I would try and ignore it for as much as I could and not turn around so easily. Then a puddle, and then two faced my on my path. Bravely, or so I thought, I went onto the grass. It must be drier I thought...well...

the more I went into the grassy haven, the more I realised that the green carpet was soaked, and every step I took, took me further into the ocean of mud and sludge and wet.

I couldnt turn back as it was wet where I came and so I thought I would keep going to get around the puddle. Big mistake. My trainers started to capsize and then started to sink. My feet squelched, the two-pairs of socks armour did nothing to protect it. My run was over. I was defeated. I emerged back onto the path and stomped home. The problem was made a thousand times worse, because they are my new trainers, and I spent a lot of money on them, and so you see they are ruined.

However, after peeling off my socks and wiping away my frustrated tears, I see my love shoving tissues in them to soak up the demon water and pull the laces out which are now sodden with mud. He stops everything he is doing. He rescued me. He made me feel safe, he made me feel calm. He wiped the worry lines from my brow with a simple yet effective hug. It is not ruined. It gave me a chance to see my love as a mender. He mended my problem. He mended my heart. He mends my sorrows and he even mended the heater that was broken!! And I love him - he knows that. Not just for today. But for every day.

All is not ruined.
My trainers are being mended and are drying out under the heater.
All is well.

Is there?

Is there a story in me? I feel there is one in you.

Is there a voice in me? I think there is one in you.

Is there a passion in my eyes? I can see some in yours.

Is there a way to tell you? I know you know that too.

Nature's Law

I tried to fight the feeling, the feeling took me down,
I struggled and I lost the day you knocked me out,
Now everything’s got meaning and meanings bring me down,
I’m watching as a screening of my life plays out.

Every day I fight these feelings,
For your sake I will hide the real thing,
You can run all your life, all mine I will chase...

You should never fight your feelings,
When your very bones believe them,
You should never fight your feelings,
You have to follow nature’s law.

I’ll live with never knowing, if knowing’s gonna change,
I’ll stop the feeling growing, I will stay away,
Like a broken record stuck before a song,
A million beginnings, none of them the one.

Every day I fight these feelings,
For your sake I will hide the real thing,
You can run all your life, all mine I will chase...

You should never fight your feelings,
When your very bones believe them,
You should never fight your feelings,
You have to follow nature’s law.

I wrote her letters and tried to send them,
In a bottle I placed my hope,
An SOS full of good intentions
sinking,will you give it to me,don’t make me wait,
You build me up, knocked me down,
But I will stand my ground,
And guard this light that I’ve found.

You should never fight your feelings,
When your very bones believe them,
If you let them show, you’ll keep them
I know you hurt, but soon you'll rise again, again, again....


You should never fight your feelings,
When your very bones believe them,
You should never fight your feelings,
You have to follow nature’s law.

Lyrics - Embrace

Overflowing

Once I was an empty glass.

I began to fill up, but it would only go so far.

Then I began to drain and as hard as I could, I couldn't replace the contents inside.

I was thirsty and nothing could quench me.

I was empty.

I now am a full glass.

I find myself filling up so many times.

I am full.

What is love?

Is it a truth?
Or is it a fear?
Is it a rose to for my valentine?
What is love?

Is it only words?
I'm trying to find?
Or is it the way,that we're feeling now?
What is love?



If love is truth,then let it break my heart.
If love is fear,lead me to the dark.
If love is a game,I'm playing all my cards.
What is love?

A pain or a cure?
A science of faith?
A reason to fall to your knees and die?
What is love?

If love is truth,then let it break my heart.
If love is fear,lead me to the dark.
If love is a game,I'm playing all my cards.
What is love?

Only you can save me now.
Only you can heal me now.
Only you can show me now,
what is love.

Or is it a truth?
Or is it a fear?
Is it a rose for my valentine?
What is love?
What is love?

Lyrics by Take That

Something different

Something different happened today.

I didn't run...I didn't hide. If only you knew how much I wanted to hide my voice and close the door.

And yet it seems almost unreal that I sit here writing when only a few hours ago I was crying in the depths of despair with no light at the end of the tunnel.

What did I do differently?

I made a choice. I made the step, I opened my mouth.

I found that the words came slow at first, but then they came.

I went through denial, anger, depression and acceptance in the space of an hour. Most importantly I didn't stop to give up. I was tired and I wanted to, but I didn't. Its amazing what a cuddle can do to make things better again.

I had a bad day at work. Actually because I bring my work home with me, its hard to see where the work finishes and life begins. I suppose it goes with my job. I have done it for years and I see myself working myself into the ground if I am not careful. Being a perfectionist is a dangerous job unless you recognise it has to stop.

When I give 100% at my work and am told it is not good enough, I know then that it is impossible then to succeed there. I know I am very good at what I do, I know I dont need anyone telling me this. It has been a hard struggle to learn this, but learn this I have.

I know that all these bad days remind me of something else I am striving for. I am striving for a place with peace and understanding. A people place..

A People Place
If this is not a place where tears are understood, Where do I go to cry?
If this is not a place where my spirits can take wing, Where do I go to fly?
If this is not a place where my questions can be asked, Where do I go to seek?
If this is not a place where my feelings can be heard, Where do I go to speak?
If this is not a place where you’ll accept me as I am, Where can I go to be?
If this is not a place where I can try to learn and grow, Where can I be just me?
William J Crockett

So, if I get upset again because it is not a people place, then I will make it in my small corner of the world and then I will go on a quest to find it.

And if I cannot find the place, I will be the place.

My Heart...

My heart strings strum with a beautiful melody,
when my love looks into my eyes.

My heart swells to twice its size,
when my love holds my face and sighs.

My heart beams a smile so bright,
when my love speaks words so true.

My heart rests well and lives again,
when my love says 'I Love you'.

Where your heart is there your treasure will also be. Matthew 6:21

This Place is Cold Without You.

This place is warm, but it is cold without you...
This place is full, but it is empty without you...
This place is busy, but it is quiet without you...
This place is tidy, but it is messy without you...
This place is light, but it is dark without you...
This place is tidy, but it is messy without you...
This place is here, but its without you.

Light Follows Dark

All shall be well,and all shall be well,and all manner of things shall be well. Julian of Norwich

Regardless of how you feel, the light of day always comes.

You can be walking through the darkest of nights and it may seem that this is all there is, but the scientific and religious explanation is that day always follows night. And then subsequently, night to follow day once more.

Being aware of this, should leave you with no surprises. Things are never as bad as they seem in the day. The dark of the night is filled with dread and worry and pain and a fear that may cripple you if you let it. Tears may fall with abundance, words may not be enough to comfort, the unexplained remains unexplained.

It is so easier to see things in the light of day.

And so I ask you. Where are you in at the moment? The light or the dark? The day or the night?

If you are in the light, what are you doing to prepare yourself for the coming night? Do you have what you need? Do you have torches or candles? Do you have somewhere comfortable to rest your head whilst the night passes through? For it will pass through, regardless of how you feel. It always does.

If you are in the night, what are you doing to remember that light is on its way? Are you full of trust, do you have the things you prepared close to hand? For it will pass through, regardless of how you feel. It always does.

Don't wait until it is dark to prepare. You wont be able to see to gather. Happiness follows sadness and sadness follows happiness. It is a natural path to life. To expect something different is to expect the laws of nature to be different.

Remember this and all shall be well.

A Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or
a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you
will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is
usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have
come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you
with guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason
you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an
inconvenient time, this person will say or do something
to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realise is that our need has been met, our
desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you
sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount
of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things
you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional
foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the
person, and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life. It is said
that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Author Unknown

Weeding my Friendship Garden

Im finding it hard to do the whole, reason / season theory. There is a piece of writing that explains how people come in and out of your life. It is helping me deal with things, but from time to time, the feelings overwhelm me and I get upset.

Some 'Friends' who I thought were, have ceased to be. Some have been promoted, and whereas thats great for them, it leaves me feeling like I cant fulfill them anymore. They are better now, they cant really do the same things as they did before, it wouldnt be 'seen' as right. Well, ok then, there you go. Its interesting how the people you help get to the top, forget everything you ahve shared with them, and move on. Ok, if they have, then I will. = SEASON ENDED.

Other 'Friends' have got married and had children. I dont know what thats like yet. They all moved away to be withing a few miles from one another, how nice. Im not bitter, dont get me wrong, I am very happy for all of them, especially as at one time, I knew them when they were unhappy. I held their hands, I supported them.But they are ok now, no need for anything else. Its not the fact that they moved away, or started to do different things. Its the fact that for the past year I have left them countless voicemails and texts to get in touch for a catch up, and they havent returned my calls. Even though I called them time and time again naively with no thought of 'maybe they dont want to be my friend anymore' or 'perhaps they are just busy' . It took my sister to bring me to my senses and reveal to me my dignity. How many times should you call someone for them to ignore you.Ok then. I get the message. SEASON ENDED.

I think in my friendship garden I am 'weeding' phase. It is winter now, and there is nothing much to look at. So therefore I am going to spend time preparing the soil for new friendships. Im going to look after myself and the ones who care about me. I will continue to water those 'lifetime' friendships because they are the perennials. They have proved time and time again that they come back regardless of reasons and seasons. My friendship garden has less than it had before. I wonder what it will look like soon? I am going from one season to another. Summer will be here soon. I wonder what friendships I am planting right now?

“We live in narrative, we live in story.

Existence has a story shape to it.

We have a beginning and an end, we have a plot, we have characters.”

Story is the language of the heart. …So if we’re going to find the answer to the riddle of the earth—and of our own existence—we’ll find it in story.

Eugene Peterson

I have come far...

It's been a long journey so far.

I don't know how long I have left, but I can tell you how far I have come.

I am the only person who has made my journey in my shoes. There have been accompaniments, there have been torch bearers, some have held my hand, some have kicked my ass.

There were people who said they would help, but didn't, and are no where to be seen.

Some held my hand for so long and helped me walk when I had no strength left at all.

There are those now, who see me as I am, as well as who saw me as I was. There will never ever be enough words to share my gratitude with them.

The ones who promised something special, didn't. The ones who didn't promise and wondered how they could help, did.

It leads me to here. I am resting after the journey in preparation for the next part ahead. I'm not sure what to take, or what I will need. I'm not sure where it will take me, or what I will do, but I know I have made it this far. I can breathe.

And I look into the eyes of my loved one, and wonder if I will every be able to tell him how much he means to me. How the oppositeness of us both, both scares me and entices me. How in his arms I feel like the only woman in the world to be loved and cherished and feel so safe. It has taken time to be here. He knows this.

This morning, as I looked into his eyes, I wished I could tell him all of this and more. I breathe out my very soul and hope that he breathes in the sunlight of my existence. I close my eyes and need not to imagine what it feels like. My passion and being embraced fills me and loses me in a creation of wind and fire and everything and nothing.

I have fear, but not of the same things.

I am not afraid to talk.
I was once. I have come far.

I am not afraid to dance.
I am not afraid to stand up for what I believe in.
I am not afraid to kiss and profess my love.
I am not afraid to say no and mean it.
I am not afraid to say no and change my mind.
I am not afraid to say that I would like to get married one day and have a family.
I am not afraid to say 'yes, lets travel around the world'.

I fear many things and worry still, however, my future will teach me to cope with them.

I have come this far...lets see where I will go now...

Flip It

There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her.

She told her boyfriend, 'if only I could see the world, I would marry you.'

One day someone donated eyes to her. Weeks later when the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.

He asked her, 'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?' The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that and the thought of looking at them for the rest of her life led her to refuse his marriage proposal.

Her boyfriend left with a broken heart. A few days later she received a note from him saying: 'Take good care of your eyes my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.'

Taken from Flip it by Michael Heppell.

Uncertainty

I have many many questions, most of them tumble-dry around my head getting drier, until the dial automatically runs out. Either they are dry enough to come out or they take another spin.

Some things take longer to dry than others... damn it!

I used to stare out of the window.

Nothing going on outside, just me...a face in the window. There was nothing going inside and so I looked out.

Then I started to smoke. It was wonderful (apart from the stinkyness and the gradual timebomb to Cancer!) It gave me something to do as I was staring out of the window.

The I started to write whilst I was smoking out of the window. That bit was brilliant. It was like I was finding a way to express all the tumbling things going around and around and around in my head.

Then I stopped smoking (nearly 11 months now!) and I stopped looking out of the window. There was something better to look at inside.

And now I only stare out of the window to wave to them arriving from and leaving for work.

I am no longer a face in the window.