Yep...this is me...

http://positiveblatherings.wordpress.com/2010/05/14/the-little-soul-and-the-sun/

Cant take my eyes off you

I know that the bridges that I've burned along the way
have left me with these walls and scars that won't go away
and opening up as always been the hardest thing until you came

Chorus:
So lay here beside me just hold me and don't let go
this feelin' I'm feelingis something I've never known
and I just can't take my eyes off you and I just can't take my eyes off you

I love when you tell me that I'm pretty when i just woke up
and i love how you tease me when I'm moody and it's always enough
I'm falling fast and the truth is I'm not scared at all
You broke my wall

So lay here beside me just hold me and don't let go
this feelin' I'm feelingis something I've never known
and I just can't take my eyes off you and I just can't take my eyes off you

off you
off you

So lay here beside me just hold me and don't let go
this feelin' I'm feelingis something I've never known
and I just can't take my eyes off you and I just can't take my eyes off you

Lady Antebellum

I am alive. I am light.

There it is...just there... cant you see it...cant you feel it...its just there...its just there.

My soul jumped today. It was liked a new life kicking inside of me. My soul jumped for joy.

I am remembering who I am. I am the light spark that forgot what it is to live.

I look out of the window and see my new life. Its very early morning and Im going off on my bike to do the first part of my photography homework. Take photos on auto dial by manual focus.

A picture can paint a thousand words. Well, if it could write the words from my heart this morning, there couldnt be enough words in the world to capture what I want to say. I know that today I am alive. I am light.

How many times have you felt this already?

Picture perfect memories
scattered all around the floor.
reaching for the phone,
cause I cant fight it anymore.

And i wonder if I ever cross your mind
for me it happens all the time

Its a quarter after one im all alone and I
need you now
said I wouldn't call
but I lost all control and I need you now,
and I dont know how I can do without
i just need you now

Another shot of whiskey
cant stop looking at the door,
wishing you'd come sweeping
in the way you did before

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind,
for me it happens all the time

Its a quarter after one im a little drunk and I
need you now
said I wouldnt call
but I lost all control and
I need you now.
and I dont know how I can do without
I just need you now...

wooh oo wooh oh

Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all

Its a quarter after one im all alone and I
need you now
and I said I wouldn't call
but im a little drunk and I need you now
and I dont know how I can do without
I just need you now
I just need you now

oh baby I need you now

Lady Antebellum

Very good advice!

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/10-tips-let-go-of-the-past-so-it-wont-anchor-you-dow/

Frederick Buechner Quote

"Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery it is.In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace." Now and Then

"You never know what may cause them. The sight of the Atlantic Ocean can do it, or a piece of music, or a face you've never seen before. A pair of somebody's old shoes can do it. ... You can never be sure. But of this you can be sure. Whenever you find tears in your eyes, especially unexpected tears, it is well to pay the closest attention. They are not only telling you something about the secret of who you are, but more often than not God is speaking to you through them of the mystery of where you have come from and is summoning you to where, if your soul is to be saved, you should go next." Beyond Words

"Maybe it's all utterly meaningless. Maybe it's all unutterably meaningful. If you want to know which, pay attention to what it means to be truly human in a world that half the time we're in love with and half the time scares the hell out of us. Any fiction that helps us pay attention to that is religious fiction. The unexpected sound of your name on somebody's lips. The good dream. The strange coincidence. The moment that brings tears to your eyes. The person who brings life to your life. Even the smallest events hold the greatest clues." Lecture to a Book of the Month Club

Starting today...

Starting today I'm not gonna waste another moment
Even if I had the chance before I would have blown it
But you took me by surprise
And you caught me just in time
Everyday you give me reason not to walk away
I stop believing that the world's gone crazy
And if it is you'll save me
Starting today I'm not gonna worry about tomorrow
I'll wash away all this fear that's left me feeling hollow
Cause you made me want to try
And you caught me just in time
Everyday you give me reason not to walk away
I'll stop believing I should burn like crazy
Cos if I did you chase me

Anyway, I should have told you
So many times
That I shyed away
Somehow you always seem to
Be there, making it easy
And you give me reason to stay

Everyday, Everyday, Everyday
Oh everyday I'll stop believing that I should burn like crazy
Cos if I did you chase me
Anyway you give me reason not to walk away
I stop believing that the world's gone crazy
And if it is you'll save me

Starting today I'm not gonna waste another moment...

Natalie Imbruglia

Thank goodness!

I'm telling you, I could have lasted one more day, I just dont think I wanted to.

It has now been 7 whole days! And believe me, that was just about enough! Enough time to miss the one you love more than words can describe. My heart actually feels it.

He;s coming home early because of the rain. I am sorry for him because I know how much he looks forward to flying. I suppose the weather is one of those unpredictable things that you just cant control.

And now I know he's coming back...Im so excited I cant contain it! Heheheheheheh!

Driving myself mad.

OK...now I am officially driving myself mad!

How many times have I picked up the phone to text my love that I miss him in the last hour, only to put it down and try and shake the idea out of my head?

It has now been 6 days without speaking to him. Am I counting? I wasnt, until I started. The odd text here and there are ok, but they are hardly comforting. They say very little and are quite impersonal. I know he doesnt mean it. He has some kind of 'forgetful-man' syndrome. I tease him over it, but he has forgotten how much it means to me to get a good morning and a goodnight text from him every single day.

I know I should swallow my pride and text him about how much I miss him, but I almost feel weak in doing so. He is the one who went away, and so he should be the one to tell me. My irrational brain has well and truly taken over, and I am becoming more coco-nutty as we speak.

And so I get on with the mundane things here that have to be done. I cope with reoccuring dreams and countless thoughts. I carry on not because I can, but because I must.

5 days is a long time

You can be alone but not lonely.

You can be lonely but not alone.

Im not lonely, but alone I am and shall be for at least a week.

The two people I converse with the most are my mum and my love. They are both away and Im having to get on with things. I wonder how they are doing. I always have the luxury of speaking to them whenever I want. My love, because we live together, and my mum, because she is always on the other end of the phone.

5 days is a long time to go without speaking to someone you love.

Caterpillars in my tummy

I have caterpillars in my tummy. They are not butterflies yet, but there is certainly something there in my gut.

It is a nervous energy that started a few hours ago and now I just cant relax and I want to either eat chocolate or have a cigarette. Both of which I cant do. Im at my parents house thank goodness or I would be smoking out of the kitchen window by now. However, here is the biggest box of quality street I have ever seen. I open the lid and the smell drugs me into thinking one wont make any difference. Well, no of course one wont, but it never ever is just one. One always leads to five. And so that's why I am staying well away.

Or maybe not....

How close I came.

I have just realised how close I came to losing.

My love is away. He is flying in a competition. I miss him dreadfully even though he has just been gone for two days. It actually feels like two weeks! There have been so many developments at work and I cant even tell him. Yes, two days is a long time. I have another week to wait until he is back. Its going to be a long week.

A pang suddenly filled my heart when I received a text message saying how he likes it there and how he wishes I was there too. I could have thrown this all away. Thank goodness I didnt.

I started to think about the future a few months ago. Stay here alone or go away together for at least 6 months. I made my 'independent' statements about doing what I had to do and that I was my own person with my own decisions to make. What I forgot, was that I am part of a couple.

I know the major change came when I imagined what it would be like to receive messages from him saying how happy he was on his adventures and how he wished I was with him. All this whilst I stayed in the UK alone.

If anything, this evening reminds me how close I was to losing it all.

I miss him yes, but I know that soon, I will be sharing it and experiencing it all.

Brilliant Website

This website is awesome. What brilliant pictures!

http://anotherpaintingblog.blogspot.com/

Problem Fixed!

Wow...after months and months of people not being able to leave comments...its been fixed by a a very simple step! Hooray!

See!

See!
The winter is past; the rains are over and gone.
Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come.

(Song 2:11–12)

Nothing Stays Still

I look out of the window and I find the sky is a striking grey colour. In front of this backdrop are the most brilliant white clouds. Both seem to move. Gradually. Gently. Nothing stays still.

Even nature does not stand still. I wonder why we fight this concept as people. We want everything to stay the same. We are reluctant to invite change, when it secretly it is what we actually crave.

My battles are always fought within. My heart is wounded by so many arrows, that I have learnt to protect it. This doesn't mean I don't fight. I am constantly fighting. I am fighting for a better life. I am fighting for a better future. I am fighting for a love that is worth my last breath.

Nothing stays still, and neither do I.

What lies within us

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

Oliver Wendell Holmes

My first step

I have taken the first step on the road to the countdown.

Yesterday I did it...I gave it in...I handed in my notice.

I feel both exhilarated and scared.

Its funny how I am always alone for a few days after I make any lifechanging decisions. It always worries me as I could potential enter meltdown and start regreting my decisions. I wonder if I am alone for a reason. It seems as if I have to internalise what I have done or am about to do. Anyway, the BF is away today and so, it seems am am alone with my thoughts.

I know that my decision has been made by me and me alone. Noone forced or cooerced me into it. I do not want to stay in my work and that is clear. In that respect I am happy about my decision.

I know I will miss some people at my work. I will miss the familiarity, although not the lack of challenge.

I suppose at the end of each chapter, you will always look back to see what has happened. For a long time this has been my life. I have walked these ways because there have been no other to walk. I have walked in darkness and I have walked in light. Both have been frightening.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?”
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.

There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us . . .
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson

ok then...lets go...

Ive done it.

Ive made my decision. Yes, it would be great if I had more, but I have to make it with what I have.

I have only got lemons...I know that with that and only that I have to make something. I have 4 months, and in that time I am going to have to make really big sacrifices.

There are many things I cannot change. I have a lot of should've / would've/ could've statements, but they cant help me now. Yes, I should have saved more. Yes, I could have done more. Yes I would have more now. But the reality is that I don't. I wanted a fruit bowl of fruit with lots of options. I wanted to have the luxury to choose. Well, I had the luxury at one point, and I wasted it. Fruit only have a short shelf-life. If you dot use them, then you lose them. Now I only have one option. Shall I let that go to waste as well? Then I will have nothing.

I want a fruit bowl full of fruit, but all I have are lemons. So, lets see what can be done with lemons...