Thank goodness!

I'm telling you, I could have lasted one more day, I just dont think I wanted to.

It has now been 7 whole days! And believe me, that was just about enough! Enough time to miss the one you love more than words can describe. My heart actually feels it.

He;s coming home early because of the rain. I am sorry for him because I know how much he looks forward to flying. I suppose the weather is one of those unpredictable things that you just cant control.

And now I know he's coming back...Im so excited I cant contain it! Heheheheheheh!

Driving myself mad.

OK...now I am officially driving myself mad!

How many times have I picked up the phone to text my love that I miss him in the last hour, only to put it down and try and shake the idea out of my head?

It has now been 6 days without speaking to him. Am I counting? I wasnt, until I started. The odd text here and there are ok, but they are hardly comforting. They say very little and are quite impersonal. I know he doesnt mean it. He has some kind of 'forgetful-man' syndrome. I tease him over it, but he has forgotten how much it means to me to get a good morning and a goodnight text from him every single day.

I know I should swallow my pride and text him about how much I miss him, but I almost feel weak in doing so. He is the one who went away, and so he should be the one to tell me. My irrational brain has well and truly taken over, and I am becoming more coco-nutty as we speak.

And so I get on with the mundane things here that have to be done. I cope with reoccuring dreams and countless thoughts. I carry on not because I can, but because I must.

5 days is a long time

You can be alone but not lonely.

You can be lonely but not alone.

Im not lonely, but alone I am and shall be for at least a week.

The two people I converse with the most are my mum and my love. They are both away and Im having to get on with things. I wonder how they are doing. I always have the luxury of speaking to them whenever I want. My love, because we live together, and my mum, because she is always on the other end of the phone.

5 days is a long time to go without speaking to someone you love.

Caterpillars in my tummy

I have caterpillars in my tummy. They are not butterflies yet, but there is certainly something there in my gut.

It is a nervous energy that started a few hours ago and now I just cant relax and I want to either eat chocolate or have a cigarette. Both of which I cant do. Im at my parents house thank goodness or I would be smoking out of the kitchen window by now. However, here is the biggest box of quality street I have ever seen. I open the lid and the smell drugs me into thinking one wont make any difference. Well, no of course one wont, but it never ever is just one. One always leads to five. And so that's why I am staying well away.

Or maybe not....

How close I came.

I have just realised how close I came to losing.

My love is away. He is flying in a competition. I miss him dreadfully even though he has just been gone for two days. It actually feels like two weeks! There have been so many developments at work and I cant even tell him. Yes, two days is a long time. I have another week to wait until he is back. Its going to be a long week.

A pang suddenly filled my heart when I received a text message saying how he likes it there and how he wishes I was there too. I could have thrown this all away. Thank goodness I didnt.

I started to think about the future a few months ago. Stay here alone or go away together for at least 6 months. I made my 'independent' statements about doing what I had to do and that I was my own person with my own decisions to make. What I forgot, was that I am part of a couple.

I know the major change came when I imagined what it would be like to receive messages from him saying how happy he was on his adventures and how he wished I was with him. All this whilst I stayed in the UK alone.

If anything, this evening reminds me how close I was to losing it all.

I miss him yes, but I know that soon, I will be sharing it and experiencing it all.

Brilliant Website

This website is awesome. What brilliant pictures!

http://anotherpaintingblog.blogspot.com/

Problem Fixed!

Wow...after months and months of people not being able to leave comments...its been fixed by a a very simple step! Hooray!

See!

See!
The winter is past; the rains are over and gone.
Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come.

(Song 2:11–12)

Nothing Stays Still

I look out of the window and I find the sky is a striking grey colour. In front of this backdrop are the most brilliant white clouds. Both seem to move. Gradually. Gently. Nothing stays still.

Even nature does not stand still. I wonder why we fight this concept as people. We want everything to stay the same. We are reluctant to invite change, when it secretly it is what we actually crave.

My battles are always fought within. My heart is wounded by so many arrows, that I have learnt to protect it. This doesn't mean I don't fight. I am constantly fighting. I am fighting for a better life. I am fighting for a better future. I am fighting for a love that is worth my last breath.

Nothing stays still, and neither do I.

What lies within us

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

Oliver Wendell Holmes

My first step

I have taken the first step on the road to the countdown.

Yesterday I did it...I gave it in...I handed in my notice.

I feel both exhilarated and scared.

Its funny how I am always alone for a few days after I make any lifechanging decisions. It always worries me as I could potential enter meltdown and start regreting my decisions. I wonder if I am alone for a reason. It seems as if I have to internalise what I have done or am about to do. Anyway, the BF is away today and so, it seems am am alone with my thoughts.

I know that my decision has been made by me and me alone. Noone forced or cooerced me into it. I do not want to stay in my work and that is clear. In that respect I am happy about my decision.

I know I will miss some people at my work. I will miss the familiarity, although not the lack of challenge.

I suppose at the end of each chapter, you will always look back to see what has happened. For a long time this has been my life. I have walked these ways because there have been no other to walk. I have walked in darkness and I have walked in light. Both have been frightening.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?”
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.

There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us . . .
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson

ok then...lets go...

Ive done it.

Ive made my decision. Yes, it would be great if I had more, but I have to make it with what I have.

I have only got lemons...I know that with that and only that I have to make something. I have 4 months, and in that time I am going to have to make really big sacrifices.

There are many things I cannot change. I have a lot of should've / would've/ could've statements, but they cant help me now. Yes, I should have saved more. Yes, I could have done more. Yes I would have more now. But the reality is that I don't. I wanted a fruit bowl of fruit with lots of options. I wanted to have the luxury to choose. Well, I had the luxury at one point, and I wasted it. Fruit only have a short shelf-life. If you dot use them, then you lose them. Now I only have one option. Shall I let that go to waste as well? Then I will have nothing.

I want a fruit bowl full of fruit, but all I have are lemons. So, lets see what can be done with lemons...

I am alive

Ive just realised that if I stay I will miss out on so much...I will miss out on life.
I am alive...
I know what to do...

I have a ticket

I have a ticket.
A ticket out of here.
A ticket out of the rat-race, the obligations faced by many each day and a ticket to happiness.

Why am I reluctant then to take it?
What is stopping me from saying a 100% yes to this opportunity?

I am with a man who I love very much and who love me too.
He has goals and dreams and wants me to join him to share in his experience.
We have a next chapter, and it includes both of us.

I have a ticket with my name on it and I know I have to take it.
So what is preventing me?
I have a thousand No's running around my head.
The weird thing is, I don't actually want to stay here in my job. Its not me anymore. Its not for me anymore.

One thing preventing me is security. I will have to cash that in for 'I'm-not-sure-what'. I have a roof over my head and financial security. Maybe I have depended on these too much. Maybe I have always had material security.

Mark 10.25 "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I need to leave things behind in order to move forward.

I like how things are at the moment, but I know through experiencing it, that things do not always remain the same.

I cannot imagine not taking this ticket. I would be crazy.

But as time gets nearer to going, I am being dragged backwards by an invisible force that I cannot describe.

I wonder if I could have a conversation with my future self, what I would say to myself today.

I may get another opportunity, I may not.
It may turn out well, it may not.
Nothing in this world is certain, but this much is sure. If you love and are loved, doesn't that endure all?

I love my life, but sometimes you have to give up something to get something else.
Unless something ends, another thing cannot begin.

There is nothing else I need when I am in his arms.

When my love dances with me,
It is is like there is no one else in the whole room.
The music plays just for us.
I breathe in all of him and I sigh out pure bliss.
He is man enough to lead me and I am woman enough to let him.
There is nothing else I need when he holds me in his arms.

And when we are ready to sleep
and he holds out his arm to me,
I lay on his warm chest with his heart beating
and I know I love.
There is nothing else I need when he holds me in his arms.

Here, there and everywhere

To lead a better life I need my love to be here...

Here, making each day of the year
Changing my life with a wave of her hand
Nobody can deny that there's something there

There, running my hands through her hair
Both of us thinking how good it can be
Someone is speaking but she doesn't know he's there

I want her everywhere and if she's beside me
I know I need never care
But to love her is to need her everywhere
Knowing that love is to share

Each one believing that love never dies
Watching her eyes and hoping I'm always there

I want her everywhere and if she's beside me
I know I need never care
But to love her is to need her everywhere
Knowing that love is to share

Each one believing that love never dies
Watching her eyes and hoping I'm always there

To be there and everywhere
Here, there and everywhere

Lyrics by The Beatles

Jump

A father was teaching his little son to be less afraid, to have more courage.

"Jump!" he said, "and I'll catch you."
And the little boy trusted him, and the little boy jumped.

And when his father caught him, he felt filled with love.

And when he didn't, he was filled with something else, something more...
Life.

Jewish Adage from the movie ' And then she found me'

Running through the monsoon

I'm staring at a broken door
There's nothing left here anymore
My room is cold, it's making me insane
I've been waitin' here so long
Another moment seems to've come
I see the dark clouds comin' up again

Running through the monsoon
Beyond the world
Til' the end of time
Where the rain won't hurt
Fighting the storm
Into the blue
And when I lose myself I'll think of you
Together we'll be running somewhere new
Through the monsoon
Just me and you

A halfmoon fading from my sight
I see your vision in its light
But now it's gone and left me so alone
I know I have to find you now
Can hear your name,I don't know how
Why can't we make this darkness feel like home?

Running through the monsoon
Beyond the world
Til' the end of time
Where the rain won't hurt
Fighting the storm
Into the blue
And when I lose myself I'll think of you
Together we'll be running somewhere new
And nothing can hold me back from you
Through the monsoon

Hey!
Hey!

I'm fighting all this power coming in my way
Let it take me straight to you,
I'll be running night and day
I'll be with you soon
Just me and you
We'll be there soon
So soon

Running through the monsoon
Beyond the world
Til' the end of time
Where the rain won't hurt
Fighting the storm
Into the blue
And when I lose myself I'll think of you
Together we'll be running somewhere new
And nothing can hold me back from you
Through the monsoon
Through the monsoon
Just me and you
Through the monsoon
Just me and you

Tokio Hotel Lyrics

Dusk

Dusk is my favourite time of day. It is the magical nothing time. Not the day and not the evening...its undefinable...its perfect. Its the end of something and the beginning of something else. It is as if the day is holding its breath...waiting...pausing...

Its hot here after a day of warmth. Spring warmth mind you, the wind is still cool. Flip-flop weather it isnt yet...but it is making its presence known. Its coming.

A glass of rosé is certainly making it much better. I have had a spaghetti brain kind of day. Lots of things going around in my head. Not enough for a fruit cake moment, but my thoughts are certainly tumble drying around in my head. I thought that that was enough to contend with, but after having my card declined whilst clothes shopping, I found that some (insert preferable rude word here) had cloned my card and stolen about £200 of my money. Then spent the rest of the afternoon doing stuff to either cancel stuff or change stuff. I dont think these 'people' actually give a damn about the consequences. How nice it must be to see someone as a name and a number and be able to steal from them. How gutless...anyway...its all sorted now and I suppose its not the end of the world and could have been much worse (according to my mum)

Glass two of wine beckons...and Im off to bask in the dusk-light...