Is there a story in me? I feel there is one in you.
Is there a voice in me? I think there is one in you.
Is there a passion in my eyes? I can see some in yours.
Is there a way to tell you? I know you know that too.
Monday, 30 November 2009
Nature's Law
I tried to fight the feeling, the feeling took me down,
I struggled and I lost the day you knocked me out,
Now everything’s got meaning and meanings bring me down,
I’m watching as a screening of my life plays out.
Every day I fight these feelings,
For your sake I will hide the real thing,
You can run all your life, all mine I will chase...
You should never fight your feelings,
When your very bones believe them,
You should never fight your feelings,
You have to follow nature’s law.
I’ll live with never knowing, if knowing’s gonna change,
I’ll stop the feeling growing, I will stay away,
Like a broken record stuck before a song,
A million beginnings, none of them the one.
Every day I fight these feelings,
For your sake I will hide the real thing,
You can run all your life, all mine I will chase...
You should never fight your feelings,
When your very bones believe them,
You should never fight your feelings,
You have to follow nature’s law.
I wrote her letters and tried to send them,
In a bottle I placed my hope,
An SOS full of good intentions
sinking,will you give it to me,don’t make me wait,
You build me up, knocked me down,
But I will stand my ground,
And guard this light that I’ve found.
You should never fight your feelings,
When your very bones believe them,
If you let them show, you’ll keep them
I know you hurt, but soon you'll rise again, again, again....
You should never fight your feelings,
When your very bones believe them,
You should never fight your feelings,
You have to follow nature’s law.
Lyrics - Embrace
I struggled and I lost the day you knocked me out,
Now everything’s got meaning and meanings bring me down,
I’m watching as a screening of my life plays out.
Every day I fight these feelings,
For your sake I will hide the real thing,
You can run all your life, all mine I will chase...
You should never fight your feelings,
When your very bones believe them,
You should never fight your feelings,
You have to follow nature’s law.
I’ll live with never knowing, if knowing’s gonna change,
I’ll stop the feeling growing, I will stay away,
Like a broken record stuck before a song,
A million beginnings, none of them the one.
Every day I fight these feelings,
For your sake I will hide the real thing,
You can run all your life, all mine I will chase...
You should never fight your feelings,
When your very bones believe them,
You should never fight your feelings,
You have to follow nature’s law.
I wrote her letters and tried to send them,
In a bottle I placed my hope,
An SOS full of good intentions
sinking,will you give it to me,don’t make me wait,
You build me up, knocked me down,
But I will stand my ground,
And guard this light that I’ve found.
You should never fight your feelings,
When your very bones believe them,
If you let them show, you’ll keep them
I know you hurt, but soon you'll rise again, again, again....
You should never fight your feelings,
When your very bones believe them,
You should never fight your feelings,
You have to follow nature’s law.
Lyrics - Embrace
Overflowing
Once I was an empty glass.
I began to fill up, but it would only go so far.
Then I began to drain and as hard as I could, I couldn't replace the contents inside.
I was thirsty and nothing could quench me.
I was empty.
I now am a full glass.
I find myself filling up so many times.
I am full.
I began to fill up, but it would only go so far.
Then I began to drain and as hard as I could, I couldn't replace the contents inside.
I was thirsty and nothing could quench me.
I was empty.
I now am a full glass.
I find myself filling up so many times.
I am full.
Saturday, 21 November 2009
What is love?
Is it a truth?Or is it a fear?
Is it a rose to for my valentine?
What is love?
Is it only words?
I'm trying to find?
Or is it the way,that we're feeling now?
What is love?
If love is truth,then let it break my heart.
If love is fear,lead me to the dark.
If love is a game,I'm playing all my cards.
What is love?
A pain or a cure?
A science of faith?
A reason to fall to your knees and die?
What is love?
If love is truth,then let it break my heart.
If love is fear,lead me to the dark.
If love is a game,I'm playing all my cards.
What is love?
Only you can save me now.
Only you can heal me now.
Only you can show me now,
what is love.
Or is it a truth?
Or is it a fear?
Is it a rose for my valentine?
What is love?
What is love?
Lyrics by Take That
Monday, 16 November 2009
Something different
Something different happened today.
I didn't run...I didn't hide. If only you knew how much I wanted to hide my voice and close the door.
And yet it seems almost unreal that I sit here writing when only a few hours ago I was crying in the depths of despair with no light at the end of the tunnel.
What did I do differently?
I made a choice. I made the step, I opened my mouth.
I found that the words came slow at first, but then they came.
I went through denial, anger, depression and acceptance in the space of an hour. Most importantly I didn't stop to give up. I was tired and I wanted to, but I didn't. Its amazing what a cuddle can do to make things better again.
I had a bad day at work. Actually because I bring my work home with me, its hard to see where the work finishes and life begins. I suppose it goes with my job. I have done it for years and I see myself working myself into the ground if I am not careful. Being a perfectionist is a dangerous job unless you recognise it has to stop.
When I give 100% at my work and am told it is not good enough, I know then that it is impossible then to succeed there. I know I am very good at what I do, I know I dont need anyone telling me this. It has been a hard struggle to learn this, but learn this I have.
I know that all these bad days remind me of something else I am striving for. I am striving for a place with peace and understanding. A people place..
A People Place
If this is not a place where tears are understood, Where do I go to cry?
If this is not a place where my spirits can take wing, Where do I go to fly?
If this is not a place where my questions can be asked, Where do I go to seek?
If this is not a place where my feelings can be heard, Where do I go to speak?
If this is not a place where you’ll accept me as I am, Where can I go to be?
If this is not a place where I can try to learn and grow, Where can I be just me?
William J Crockett
So, if I get upset again because it is not a people place, then I will make it in my small corner of the world and then I will go on a quest to find it.
And if I cannot find the place, I will be the place.
I didn't run...I didn't hide. If only you knew how much I wanted to hide my voice and close the door.
And yet it seems almost unreal that I sit here writing when only a few hours ago I was crying in the depths of despair with no light at the end of the tunnel.
What did I do differently?
I made a choice. I made the step, I opened my mouth.
I found that the words came slow at first, but then they came.
I went through denial, anger, depression and acceptance in the space of an hour. Most importantly I didn't stop to give up. I was tired and I wanted to, but I didn't. Its amazing what a cuddle can do to make things better again.
I had a bad day at work. Actually because I bring my work home with me, its hard to see where the work finishes and life begins. I suppose it goes with my job. I have done it for years and I see myself working myself into the ground if I am not careful. Being a perfectionist is a dangerous job unless you recognise it has to stop.
When I give 100% at my work and am told it is not good enough, I know then that it is impossible then to succeed there. I know I am very good at what I do, I know I dont need anyone telling me this. It has been a hard struggle to learn this, but learn this I have.
I know that all these bad days remind me of something else I am striving for. I am striving for a place with peace and understanding. A people place..
A People Place
If this is not a place where tears are understood, Where do I go to cry?
If this is not a place where my spirits can take wing, Where do I go to fly?
If this is not a place where my questions can be asked, Where do I go to seek?
If this is not a place where my feelings can be heard, Where do I go to speak?
If this is not a place where you’ll accept me as I am, Where can I go to be?
If this is not a place where I can try to learn and grow, Where can I be just me?
William J Crockett
So, if I get upset again because it is not a people place, then I will make it in my small corner of the world and then I will go on a quest to find it.
And if I cannot find the place, I will be the place.
Wednesday, 11 November 2009
My Heart...
My heart strings strum with a beautiful melody,when my love looks into my eyes.
My heart swells to twice its size,
when my love holds my face and sighs.
My heart beams a smile so bright,
when my love speaks words so true.
My heart rests well and lives again,
when my love says 'I Love you'.
Where your heart is there your treasure will also be. Matthew 6:21
Saturday, 7 November 2009
This Place is Cold Without You.
This place is warm, but it is cold without you...
This place is full, but it is empty without you...
This place is busy, but it is quiet without you...
This place is tidy, but it is messy without you...
This place is light, but it is dark without you...
This place is tidy, but it is messy without you...
This place is here, but its without you.
Light Follows Dark
All shall be well,and all shall be well,and all manner of things shall be well. Julian of Norwich
Regardless of how you feel, the light of day always comes.
Being aware of this, should leave you with no surprises. Things are never as bad as they seem in the day. The dark of the night is filled with dread and worry and pain and a fear that may cripple you if you let it. Tears may fall with abundance, words may not be enough to comfort, the unexplained remains unexplained.
It is so easier to see things in the light of day.
And so I ask you. Where are you in at the moment? The light or the dark? The day or the night?
If you are in the light, what are you doing to prepare yourself for the coming night? Do you have what you need? Do you have torches or candles? Do you have somewhere comfortable to rest your head whilst the night passes through? For it will pass through, regardless of how you feel. It always does.
If you are in the night, what are you doing to remember that light is on its way? Are you full of trust, do you have the things you prepared close to hand? For it will pass through, regardless of how you feel. It always does.
Don't wait until it is dark to prepare. You wont be able to see to gather. Happiness follows sadness and sadness follows happiness. It is a natural path to life. To expect something different is to expect the laws of nature to be different.
Remember this and all shall be well.
Friday, 6 November 2009
A Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime
People come into your life for a reason, a season, or
a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you
will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is
usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have
come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you
with guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason
you need them to be.
Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an
inconvenient time, this person will say or do something
to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realise is that our need has been met, our
desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you
sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount
of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things
you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional
foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the
person, and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life. It is said
that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Author Unknown
People come into your life for a reason, a season, or
a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you
will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is
usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have
come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you
with guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason
you need them to be.
Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an
inconvenient time, this person will say or do something
to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realise is that our need has been met, our
desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you
sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount
of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things
you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional
foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the
person, and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life. It is said
that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Author Unknown
Weeding my Friendship Garden
Im finding it hard to do the whole, reason / season theory. There is a piece of writing that explains how people come in and out of your life. It is helping me deal with things, but from time to time, the feelings overwhelm me and I get upset.
Some 'Friends' who I thought were, have ceased to be. Some have been promoted, and whereas thats great for them, it leaves me feeling like I cant fulfill them anymore. They are better now, they cant really do the same things as they did before, it wouldnt be 'seen' as right. Well, ok then, there you go. Its interesting how the people you help get to the top, forget everything you ahve shared with them, and move on. Ok, if they have, then I will. = SEASON ENDED.
Other 'Friends' have got married and had children. I dont know what thats like yet. They all moved away to be withing a few miles from one another, how nice. Im not bitter, dont get me wrong, I am very happy for all of them, especially as at one time, I knew them when they were unhappy. I held their hands, I supported them.But they are ok now, no need for anything else. Its not the fact that they moved away, or started to do different things. Its the fact that for the past year I have left them countless voicemails and texts to get in touch for a catch up, and they havent returned my calls. Even though I called them time and time again naively with no thought of 'maybe they dont want to be my friend anymore' or 'perhaps they are just busy' . It took my sister to bring me to my senses and reveal to me my dignity. How many times should you call someone for them to ignore you.Ok then. I get the message. SEASON ENDED.
I think in my friendship garden I am 'weeding' phase. It is winter now, and there is nothing much to look at. So therefore I am going to spend time preparing the soil for new friendships. Im going to look after myself and the ones who care about me. I will continue to water those 'lifetime' friendships because they are the perennials. They have proved time and time again that they come back regardless of reasons and seasons. My friendship garden has less than it had before. I wonder what it will look like soon? I am going from one season to another. Summer will be here soon. I wonder what friendships I am planting right now?
Some 'Friends' who I thought were, have ceased to be. Some have been promoted, and whereas thats great for them, it leaves me feeling like I cant fulfill them anymore. They are better now, they cant really do the same things as they did before, it wouldnt be 'seen' as right. Well, ok then, there you go. Its interesting how the people you help get to the top, forget everything you ahve shared with them, and move on. Ok, if they have, then I will. = SEASON ENDED.
Other 'Friends' have got married and had children. I dont know what thats like yet. They all moved away to be withing a few miles from one another, how nice. Im not bitter, dont get me wrong, I am very happy for all of them, especially as at one time, I knew them when they were unhappy. I held their hands, I supported them.But they are ok now, no need for anything else. Its not the fact that they moved away, or started to do different things. Its the fact that for the past year I have left them countless voicemails and texts to get in touch for a catch up, and they havent returned my calls. Even though I called them time and time again naively with no thought of 'maybe they dont want to be my friend anymore' or 'perhaps they are just busy' . It took my sister to bring me to my senses and reveal to me my dignity. How many times should you call someone for them to ignore you.Ok then. I get the message. SEASON ENDED.
I think in my friendship garden I am 'weeding' phase. It is winter now, and there is nothing much to look at. So therefore I am going to spend time preparing the soil for new friendships. Im going to look after myself and the ones who care about me. I will continue to water those 'lifetime' friendships because they are the perennials. They have proved time and time again that they come back regardless of reasons and seasons. My friendship garden has less than it had before. I wonder what it will look like soon? I am going from one season to another. Summer will be here soon. I wonder what friendships I am planting right now?
Sunday, 1 November 2009
“We live in narrative, we live in story.
Existence has a story shape to it.
We have a beginning and an end, we have a plot, we have characters.”
Story is the language of the heart. …So if we’re going to find the answer to the riddle of the earth—and of our own existence—we’ll find it in story.
Eugene Peterson
Existence has a story shape to it.
We have a beginning and an end, we have a plot, we have characters.”
Story is the language of the heart. …So if we’re going to find the answer to the riddle of the earth—and of our own existence—we’ll find it in story.
Eugene Peterson
I have come far...
It's been a long journey so far.
I don't know how long I have left, but I can tell you how far I have come.
I am the only person who has made my journey in my shoes. There have been accompaniments, there have been torch bearers, some have held my hand, some have kicked my ass.
There were people who said they would help, but didn't, and are no where to be seen.
Some held my hand for so long and helped me walk when I had no strength left at all.
There are those now, who see me as I am, as well as who saw me as I was. There will never ever be enough words to share my gratitude with them.
The ones who promised something special, didn't. The ones who didn't promise and wondered how they could help, did.
It leads me to here. I am resting after the journey in preparation for the next part ahead. I'm not sure what to take, or what I will need. I'm not sure where it will take me, or what I will do, but I know I have made it this far. I can breathe.
And I look into the eyes of my loved one, and wonder if I will every be able to tell him how much he means to me. How the oppositeness of us both, both scares me and entices me. How in his arms I feel like the only woman in the world to be loved and cherished and feel so safe. It has taken time to be here. He knows this.
This morning, as I looked into his eyes, I wished I could tell him all of this and more. I breathe out my very soul and hope that he breathes in the sunlight of my existence. I close my eyes and need not to imagine what it feels like. My passion and being embraced fills me and loses me in a creation of wind and fire and everything and nothing.
I have fear, but not of the same things.
I am not afraid to talk.
I was once. I have come far.
I am not afraid to dance.
I am not afraid to stand up for what I believe in.
I am not afraid to kiss and profess my love.
I am not afraid to say no and mean it.
I am not afraid to say no and change my mind.
I am not afraid to say that I would like to get married one day and have a family.
I am not afraid to say 'yes, lets travel around the world'.
I fear many things and worry still, however, my future will teach me to cope with them.
I have come this far...lets see where I will go now...
I don't know how long I have left, but I can tell you how far I have come.
I am the only person who has made my journey in my shoes. There have been accompaniments, there have been torch bearers, some have held my hand, some have kicked my ass.
There were people who said they would help, but didn't, and are no where to be seen.
Some held my hand for so long and helped me walk when I had no strength left at all.
There are those now, who see me as I am, as well as who saw me as I was. There will never ever be enough words to share my gratitude with them.
The ones who promised something special, didn't. The ones who didn't promise and wondered how they could help, did.
It leads me to here. I am resting after the journey in preparation for the next part ahead. I'm not sure what to take, or what I will need. I'm not sure where it will take me, or what I will do, but I know I have made it this far. I can breathe.
And I look into the eyes of my loved one, and wonder if I will every be able to tell him how much he means to me. How the oppositeness of us both, both scares me and entices me. How in his arms I feel like the only woman in the world to be loved and cherished and feel so safe. It has taken time to be here. He knows this.
This morning, as I looked into his eyes, I wished I could tell him all of this and more. I breathe out my very soul and hope that he breathes in the sunlight of my existence. I close my eyes and need not to imagine what it feels like. My passion and being embraced fills me and loses me in a creation of wind and fire and everything and nothing.
I have fear, but not of the same things.
I am not afraid to talk.
I was once. I have come far.
I am not afraid to dance.
I am not afraid to stand up for what I believe in.
I am not afraid to kiss and profess my love.
I am not afraid to say no and mean it.
I am not afraid to say no and change my mind.
I am not afraid to say that I would like to get married one day and have a family.
I am not afraid to say 'yes, lets travel around the world'.
I fear many things and worry still, however, my future will teach me to cope with them.
I have come this far...lets see where I will go now...
Wednesday, 28 October 2009
Flip It
There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her.
She told her boyfriend, 'if only I could see the world, I would marry you.'
One day someone donated eyes to her. Weeks later when the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.
He asked her, 'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?' The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that and the thought of looking at them for the rest of her life led her to refuse his marriage proposal.
Her boyfriend left with a broken heart. A few days later she received a note from him saying: 'Take good care of your eyes my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.'
Taken from Flip it by Michael Heppell.
She told her boyfriend, 'if only I could see the world, I would marry you.'
One day someone donated eyes to her. Weeks later when the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.
He asked her, 'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?' The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that and the thought of looking at them for the rest of her life led her to refuse his marriage proposal.
Her boyfriend left with a broken heart. A few days later she received a note from him saying: 'Take good care of your eyes my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.'
Taken from Flip it by Michael Heppell.
Saturday, 24 October 2009
Uncertainty
I have many many questions, most of them tumble-dry around my head getting drier, until the dial automatically runs out. Either they are dry enough to come out or they take another spin.
Some things take longer to dry than others... damn it!
I used to stare out of the window.
Nothing going on outside, just me...a face in the window. There was nothing going inside and so I looked out.
Then I started to smoke. It was wonderful (apart from the stinkyness and the gradual timebomb to Cancer!) It gave me something to do as I was staring out of the window.
The I started to write whilst I was smoking out of the window. That bit was brilliant. It was like I was finding a way to express all the tumbling things going around and around and around in my head.
Then I stopped smoking (nearly 11 months now!) and I stopped looking out of the window. There was something better to look at inside.
And now I only stare out of the window to wave to them arriving from and leaving for work.
I am no longer a face in the window.
Some things take longer to dry than others... damn it!
I used to stare out of the window.
Nothing going on outside, just me...a face in the window. There was nothing going inside and so I looked out.
Then I started to smoke. It was wonderful (apart from the stinkyness and the gradual timebomb to Cancer!) It gave me something to do as I was staring out of the window.
The I started to write whilst I was smoking out of the window. That bit was brilliant. It was like I was finding a way to express all the tumbling things going around and around and around in my head.
Then I stopped smoking (nearly 11 months now!) and I stopped looking out of the window. There was something better to look at inside.
And now I only stare out of the window to wave to them arriving from and leaving for work.
I am no longer a face in the window.
Sunday, 27 September 2009
Saturday, 19 September 2009
Messages
Do you believe that you have the opportunities to receive messages every day but you just don't notice them?
Some people call them divine intervention, some people call them coincidences, and others don't even recognise them as anything at all.
I know what I believe.
With the age of technology, it is so easy to do anything. For example.
Here I am searching for music to download as my race is 8 days away and today I managed to listen to the Radio as my music has been surpassed again. I have now 4 folders for music. Gradually telling the story of my rise to running. The first few folders helped me run 5 minutes or more, but little else. My last folder helped me run through Spain which Mr Pilot was paragliding his socks off. Those morning runs were wonderful and filled with all the promises of the day. Of course getting a tan was a bonus!!
So now, a week away and no music to inspire me...and that's what I need, inspiration. (By the way...the word inspiration comes from the word Spirit!)
Soo..... here I am downloading my tracks, I am very proud of myself of course, I always am when I don't have to rely on someone else.
I hear some music playing out the window and go over to it. Its a hot day and so I lean out (not too far - I live on the third floor). I see a man packing his car and the music is fast and its what I'm looking for. Obviously I don't know it and I have no way of shouting over 'Hey Mister...whats that song?'. And as time gradually passes I find myself unable to move my legs because my muscles have decided after a week that I have over done it (coupled with the fact that I danced my socks of literally till 4am last Saturday at a wedding)...Anyhow I digress as usual.
The words gradually appear over the thumping music, which I am sure will wake up most of the neighbours. I recognise the tune, the words, but the message isn't clear. Its in a fog. Its as if its on the tip of my tongue and I cant get it. Its like I am trying to remember a dream, but it just doesn't come and the more I try and search, the more I try to grab and hold onto it, the further away it goes from me. Its like trying to catch one of those dandelion seeds that floats on the wind. Its
like trying to catch a butterfly, as Mr Pilot and I tried to last weekend to no avail.
And then breakthrough!
The music is haunting, the words even more so. Ive seen the film. Yes, and no surprise, I have cried at the film. See if you can guess it: Its where the Spaniard walks through fields of corn to see his wife and child. Only this isn't a dream, and it isn't life either. He has just defeated his enemy in battle. He has avenged his family's horrific death. The words of the song are in Hebrew and translated means 'now we are free'. When I downloaded this and heard it as I heard it pumping through the car over an hour ago. Guess what - I cried. I believe that this was a message sent to me. Call it divine intervention, call it coincidence. I know what I call it.
Its the song I want to cross the finishing line to, in more ways than one. Its beautiful, its tragic. It inspires my very soul to reach for anything in the whole world.
It fills me to the very top.
I am no longer empty.
I am me.
Some people call them divine intervention, some people call them coincidences, and others don't even recognise them as anything at all.
I know what I believe.
With the age of technology, it is so easy to do anything. For example.
Here I am searching for music to download as my race is 8 days away and today I managed to listen to the Radio as my music has been surpassed again. I have now 4 folders for music. Gradually telling the story of my rise to running. The first few folders helped me run 5 minutes or more, but little else. My last folder helped me run through Spain which Mr Pilot was paragliding his socks off. Those morning runs were wonderful and filled with all the promises of the day. Of course getting a tan was a bonus!!
So now, a week away and no music to inspire me...and that's what I need, inspiration. (By the way...the word inspiration comes from the word Spirit!)
Soo..... here I am downloading my tracks, I am very proud of myself of course, I always am when I don't have to rely on someone else.
I hear some music playing out the window and go over to it. Its a hot day and so I lean out (not too far - I live on the third floor). I see a man packing his car and the music is fast and its what I'm looking for. Obviously I don't know it and I have no way of shouting over 'Hey Mister...whats that song?'. And as time gradually passes I find myself unable to move my legs because my muscles have decided after a week that I have over done it (coupled with the fact that I danced my socks of literally till 4am last Saturday at a wedding)...Anyhow I digress as usual.
The words gradually appear over the thumping music, which I am sure will wake up most of the neighbours. I recognise the tune, the words, but the message isn't clear. Its in a fog. Its as if its on the tip of my tongue and I cant get it. Its like I am trying to remember a dream, but it just doesn't come and the more I try and search, the more I try to grab and hold onto it, the further away it goes from me. Its like trying to catch one of those dandelion seeds that floats on the wind. Its
like trying to catch a butterfly, as Mr Pilot and I tried to last weekend to no avail.And then breakthrough!
The music is haunting, the words even more so. Ive seen the film. Yes, and no surprise, I have cried at the film. See if you can guess it: Its where the Spaniard walks through fields of corn to see his wife and child. Only this isn't a dream, and it isn't life either. He has just defeated his enemy in battle. He has avenged his family's horrific death. The words of the song are in Hebrew and translated means 'now we are free'. When I downloaded this and heard it as I heard it pumping through the car over an hour ago. Guess what - I cried. I believe that this was a message sent to me. Call it divine intervention, call it coincidence. I know what I call it.
Its the song I want to cross the finishing line to, in more ways than one. Its beautiful, its tragic. It inspires my very soul to reach for anything in the whole world.
It fills me to the very top.
I am no longer empty.
I am me.
I am a runner.
I have only just realised this.
And it feels so good.
I rememember when I started this blog, it was to help me through my 1 minute run and 3 minutes walk starting phase. That first minute nearly killed me! I had smokers lungs and body to boot. Gradually (I dont know how) I have managed to creep up to as much as I can run in one go.
I have recently ordered two running books. I looked at the programme where it starts for 2 minutes walking and 1 minute running. I caught myself looking at the bottom of the schedule to where it said '30 minutes running'. Now thats more like it. Its funny isnt it! 6 months ago, the prospect of running 30 minutes would have put me off and now it doesnt.
I dont run in times any more, it only makes me stop. Mentally I think about running around the park and that is 2 km. Today I am going to try and manage 2 times around the park. And tomorrow three. I have my 10 km race next Sunday and so I have to try and see how far I will go.
After this? Well If Ive run 5km and 10km, then I suppose I will have to try for a half marathon?
See...Im a runner :)
And it feels so good.
I rememember when I started this blog, it was to help me through my 1 minute run and 3 minutes walk starting phase. That first minute nearly killed me! I had smokers lungs and body to boot. Gradually (I dont know how) I have managed to creep up to as much as I can run in one go.
I have recently ordered two running books. I looked at the programme where it starts for 2 minutes walking and 1 minute running. I caught myself looking at the bottom of the schedule to where it said '30 minutes running'. Now thats more like it. Its funny isnt it! 6 months ago, the prospect of running 30 minutes would have put me off and now it doesnt.
I dont run in times any more, it only makes me stop. Mentally I think about running around the park and that is 2 km. Today I am going to try and manage 2 times around the park. And tomorrow three. I have my 10 km race next Sunday and so I have to try and see how far I will go.
After this? Well If Ive run 5km and 10km, then I suppose I will have to try for a half marathon?
See...Im a runner :)
Thursday, 17 September 2009
Why is there beauty in tragedy?
I have just finished crying.
Tears fell gradually and continuously slowly from my eyes over a period of about an hour.
I feel quiet, I feel cold, I feel drained.
A hot chocolate should do the trick until I emmerse myself back into reality. I plan to do this very slowly.
I have just watched a movie in which my emotions have been wrenched from one side to another. I am very cautious and particular over what I watch. They have to move me and reach into my soul. Sometimes a title can show a chink of light of what is to come, and sometimes I have to find more about it before I can commit to it.
Yet, I always find the movies and books which I stumble into, completely by accident, are the ones which make make more of an impression than anything I could have chosen. Its as if the movie chose to be watched by me. The book chose to be read by me.
I surcumb to a sort of surrender to let things take thier course and lead me into ways in which enrich my heart.
My words are poor, but my heart is rich...
Tears fell gradually and continuously slowly from my eyes over a period of about an hour.
I feel quiet, I feel cold, I feel drained.
A hot chocolate should do the trick until I emmerse myself back into reality. I plan to do this very slowly.
I have just watched a movie in which my emotions have been wrenched from one side to another. I am very cautious and particular over what I watch. They have to move me and reach into my soul. Sometimes a title can show a chink of light of what is to come, and sometimes I have to find more about it before I can commit to it.
Yet, I always find the movies and books which I stumble into, completely by accident, are the ones which make make more of an impression than anything I could have chosen. Its as if the movie chose to be watched by me. The book chose to be read by me.
I surcumb to a sort of surrender to let things take thier course and lead me into ways in which enrich my heart.
My words are poor, but my heart is rich...
Tuesday, 25 August 2009
My runaway head
Sometimes, things are too much for me.
Being in the middle is a hard job, especially as you see all the sides of the same story.
People arguing through you and towards you is a difficult thing to have to do. Especially when all of them want to express what they feel and how the other person has done them wrong.
Listening to people calming down and watching themselves rationalize their emotions is hard to watch.
Trying to sweep up the pieces and put things back together is even harder.
My mum is the easy one. She and my sister are the same. They volcano and spew out the nastiest of words. They are horrible to one another, and then everything is OK. A sorry means sorry and then things move on. They both separately drank a bottle of wine to help and then today everything seems to be OK.
My dad however, is very like me.
He switches off at a seconds notice. He pushes you to reject him and when you show the slightest confirmation of this. He withdraws so much that it is almost impossible to reach him.
The only one to reach him? Someone who acts the same...me.
He gave me an olive branch today, and although I didn't want to take it. I did. I suggested a plan and he took it. My family means a great deal to me. Its the only one I have.
There was a time when our family was broken. We all fought over my sister and a new relationship, and four became three. Well actually, three separate people living in the same house. No one spoke to each other. They showed me how to bury your feelings and they showed me how not to talk and not express your feelings. Withdrawn people learned to keep away, as nobody wanted to talk to you anyway. We survived and that was all. Months went by. We coped and did things but they didn't really mean anything. A part of us was missing. We managed.
Then my sister came back into our lives. Things began to be reconciled, bridges built. It was a very slow and very painful path. We tried to do everything we could to make things better and reconcile things. It took time, and although things were different, as adults we talked, we became closer. It took years. People looking at us today don't appreciate or even realize everything that happened. But we do. We were there. We lived through it.
My sister is moving. A very happy move this time. She moving a few hours away with the man that she loves very much. He is very good to her and her young family.
My parents are taking this very hard. Both retiring, a few friends they relied on have passed away and now, they are going to miss their daughter and grandchildren. Its going to be hard for them. Its going to be hard for everyone.
And as last time, after everyone is OK, then I shall sort myself out.
Only this time I wont make the same mistake and run away when they all fight. I am staying, and as hard as it is. I wouldn't do anything else.
Being in the middle is a hard job, especially as you see all the sides of the same story.
People arguing through you and towards you is a difficult thing to have to do. Especially when all of them want to express what they feel and how the other person has done them wrong.
Listening to people calming down and watching themselves rationalize their emotions is hard to watch.
Trying to sweep up the pieces and put things back together is even harder.
My mum is the easy one. She and my sister are the same. They volcano and spew out the nastiest of words. They are horrible to one another, and then everything is OK. A sorry means sorry and then things move on. They both separately drank a bottle of wine to help and then today everything seems to be OK.
My dad however, is very like me.
He switches off at a seconds notice. He pushes you to reject him and when you show the slightest confirmation of this. He withdraws so much that it is almost impossible to reach him.
The only one to reach him? Someone who acts the same...me.
He gave me an olive branch today, and although I didn't want to take it. I did. I suggested a plan and he took it. My family means a great deal to me. Its the only one I have.
There was a time when our family was broken. We all fought over my sister and a new relationship, and four became three. Well actually, three separate people living in the same house. No one spoke to each other. They showed me how to bury your feelings and they showed me how not to talk and not express your feelings. Withdrawn people learned to keep away, as nobody wanted to talk to you anyway. We survived and that was all. Months went by. We coped and did things but they didn't really mean anything. A part of us was missing. We managed.
Then my sister came back into our lives. Things began to be reconciled, bridges built. It was a very slow and very painful path. We tried to do everything we could to make things better and reconcile things. It took time, and although things were different, as adults we talked, we became closer. It took years. People looking at us today don't appreciate or even realize everything that happened. But we do. We were there. We lived through it.
My sister is moving. A very happy move this time. She moving a few hours away with the man that she loves very much. He is very good to her and her young family.
My parents are taking this very hard. Both retiring, a few friends they relied on have passed away and now, they are going to miss their daughter and grandchildren. Its going to be hard for them. Its going to be hard for everyone.
And as last time, after everyone is OK, then I shall sort myself out.
Only this time I wont make the same mistake and run away when they all fight. I am staying, and as hard as it is. I wouldn't do anything else.
Tuesday, 18 August 2009
Today I feel like Cinderella
Today, one of my dearest friends took my breath away.
I was asked to be her bridesmaid. An ordinary, everyday occurrence you say. Maybe for most, but for me, I feel like Cinderella when she was told she could go to the ball.
When people tell you they are getting married, you are pleased for them. It is a monumental decision that brings two people in love closer together and their lives are filled with hope and happiness. You are glad to be invited to share their special day with all their family and friends that they have accumulated along the way.
Friends come and go. There is always a reason or a season that a friend is in your life. You hope that some will last a lifetime. The ones you think will last longer often don't, and the ones you think wont, do.
My dearest friend has been a treasure to me. More than she actually knows. In 2003 I decided to change jobs. She was the one who I was placed with. It was like working with myself. For three years we worked together and I was blessed with everything I had hoped for for my career; organisation, support, laughter and experience. Then she left to pastures new and although I was excited for her, I was sad. Friendships take time to blossom and I knew that this was one of the times when I had to water them from afar. I knew we would keep in touch from time to time, but never imagined what a rock she would become.
She was one of the 2 people who held me up when I fell apart. My sister was the other. A broken relationship and a rebound fling gone wrong in the space of 3 months, left me brokenhearted and alone. I spent my time smoking, drinking, crying and very little else. I kept it together at work and no one knew of my heartache, yet when I came home again, the cycle would begin and would continue for another 6 months. They felt like 100 years. To have one's heart broken for the first time at the age of 33 is no mean feat. It destroyed who I was. I was nothing. I built up walls, which are only now becoming to come down thanks to the love and patience of my beloved.
My friend rang, she texted, she spoke words, she said she wished she could help more. In fact, what she did for me was so very much. I felt I was in a tunnel without a light. She brought me a lighted candle. She did this every time we spoke, until there came a time when I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. To say I am grateful to her and my sister for what they did for me is a complete understatement. The love they showed me and continue to do, far outweighs the grains of sand on the shore.
And so, to be asked to be my dearest friends bridesmaid, is more than a privilege. It is such an honour that my heart is swelling with thanks and pride for being asked. I would never ever in my wildest dreams presume to be asked. It was such an immense surprise and because of that I am happy to be part of her day. Today she has made me the happiest little thing in the world.
:)
(Cinderella Picture from a talented artist called Maria Holohan)
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