The Little Bluebird in the Golden Cage

There once was a little bluebird in a golden cage.

It was a beautiful bird with long sapphire blue feathers. It dreamt every day to fly in high up in the white wispy clouds and dreamt every night to feel the wind on her tiny little face. But in reality, she lived in her golden cage from morning till night with just her wonderful dreams to pass the time. In her eyes, you could almost see her dreams, as the blue windows to her soul sparkled with happiness.

The story is coming

Im writing it now...

One step too far by Dido

You can sleep forever
But still you will be tired
You can stay as cold as stone
But still you won't find peace
With you I feel I'm the meek leading the blind
With you I feel I'm just spending wasting time

I've been waiting
I'm still waiting
I've been waiting
I've been waiting
I've been waiting
I'm still waiting
I'm with you (with you)
Its always one step too far
One step too far

You can walk too far
But still you won't be found
You can look down on the world
But still you won't find love
You won't find love

Only with mellow
Are you thin enough to slide through.
If the sun or the moon should give way to doubt,
They would immediately go out.
One swallow don't make a summer,
But tomorrow has to start somewhere.
Only with mellow
Are you thin enough to slide through.
Only with mellow
Are you thin enough to slide through.
Don't Let nothing ride you
Only with mellow
Are you thin enough to slide through.
Don't Let nothing ride you
One swallow don't make a summer.

I've been waiting
I'm still waiting
I've been waiting
I've been waiting
I've been waiting
I'm still waiting
I'm with you (with you)
It's always one step too far
One step too far

Today Coconut flew.

Monday 25th May 2009

Today Coconut flew.

Do you know what it’s like to be picked up by the wind like a dandelion seed? Do you know what it’s like to float on the breeze like a delicate bubble? I do.

I wished I had the words to describe what it feels like.
It’s like breathing in and breathing out at the same time.
It’s like time actually stopping, and past present and future joins together in a beautiful crescendo.

Today was a good day.
Today I flew. Now you can’t understand how this felt like unless you looked at yesterday.

Yesterday was not a good day.

Yesterday I was filled with so much negativity that it encompassed me and tried to drown me. Yesterday I was the coconut again and needed severe hammer and chiselling to stop it from staying closed and to be fully open again. The patience action worked thankfully and things slowly returned back to normal.

I have to tell you though that I am a positive person. I like to see the good in everything (I have been well ridiculed about this in the past). I like to be praised and give praise in abundance. I like to give and receive encouragement. I know how important these things are in building a person into the best person they can possibly be. I also know what it is to be starved of these emotions and what that then creates in you. Confidence is great when you have it, but when you misplace it, it can knock you off track and place you in a tunnel where the light is far from reach. Wise words told me once that ‘negativity breeds negativity’. Doesn’t it just!

And even with all this positivity, there are times when things are just too much. Well they are for me anyhow. A little thought here, another harmless thought there. And before you know it, there are no more little harmless thoughts wandering around. It’s just a big whirlwind of thoughts all be thought at the same time and revolving round and around. This is me during one of my ‘fruit-cake’ moments. I recognise the signs, my feet start twitching and if I am standing up, I am slowly backing myself away until I am against any corner or wall. My words become stuck in my throat and I cant seem to find the words to get them out.

Words are very important and to be able to express them is a great gift. To be understood is great. To understand is a greater gift. I am very lucky to have someone who has a great deal of patience to recognise the signs and defuse them with kindness and love.

Anyway, back to yesterday. It was my first day of flying in the South of France with the temperature around 33oc. Too little water, too little food and too much information. I couldn’t take it all in. Then to top it off, a simple practical task which seemed simple was too much for me. I felt inadequate and unable to it. I had primed myself before hand by reminding myself that it takes me a long time to do something and once I have it, then I’m usually very good. But with all this priming, and being in a new environment and with new people, it wasn’t enough to help. I had failed. I was not perfect. I was no good.

Back to today. The memory of yesterday was starting to creep into today. I was determined that it would not happen. Yes I was really scared, but could I dare to believe that I could do this? Cold I dare to believe in myself that it could be done. I watched the other student’s progress higher up the hill as I the small one waiting lower down for further practise.

With an almighty drag by my teacher, I started running, I ran and ran and my wing lifted up behind me, I carried on running until I was airborne (about 1 metre in the air) and then after turning left, I landed. I did it. I did it. I DID IT...

And then I did it again, and then again. I flew 4 times and was about 5metres above the ground. Now Im not very good at landing yet, and I seem to pull two breaks at the same time (which in paragliding is a HUGE NO) but I did it, and today that is enough.

The day has arrived finally

After waiting for what feels an eternity, today has arrived. no more 'eve eve eve' or 'just Wednesday'. Its here. Leaving Day.

Having the day off and getting an extra hour in bed certainly has made the difference. I survey the flat and wonder why again I have to tidy up. Its like having little pixies who create havoc in the middle of the night. Damn those pixies!

So, everything is ready. Well it is since I packed last Sunday. The thing is I washed various items which have to now stow away int he luggage. Mr W not going to be very happy.

So I hear you ask...'how are you going to fill your car with two paragliders, three people, some compulsory rations and some luggage. Well....I'm not sure, but Im not getting into that. I want to be able to sit tomorrow night outside surveying the wonderful landscape and ponder on what the week will bring. Its funny though, you spend a lot of time being excited about the event you are planning, and sometimes, the event doesn't live up to the anticipation.

I know I'm going to be on my own for most of the time as Mr W and friend will be flying around as they are experienced pilots already. Its me that feels like a baby0bird. Looking out of the nest and wondering what it will be like to fly, but knows that its going to take time. I suppose after being very good at my job, its back to be the inexperienced again. The little one. Sigh.

I know that this is probably the best experience that could happen to me at the moment. Its the unknown. Its out of my comfort zone. Its a risk, but its also trying not to listen to my parents who are filling my head with every worst case scenario that could happen.

All I know is that I don't know what will happen. It will be different and it will be what it will be.

Now enough pondering and get packing.

I'll let you know what happened... :)

Its just Wednesday today...

Paragliding is on Sunday at 9am in the French Alps. So is today Paragliding eve, eve, eve, eve...nope, acoording to Mr W, its just Wednesday...dammit

fed up arguing with him....hhrrmmpppfff

I have a dream

I used to be really great at work.

That's a lie actually...

I used to be brilliant.

Nothing was too much for me, nothing I couldn't do bigger and better than anyone else. I lived to work. Everything I touched turned to gold after some extremely hard graft.

But now...I don't seem to have it in me anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm still really good at what I do. Its not trumpet blowing. I know that I have the ability to do what I do well.

But now, things have started to change. Things I used to be excited about, don't excite me anymore. The prospect of working all weekend doesn't fill me with pride, it fills me with dread. Maybe I have given all I have and maybe I don't have anything left to give. I know its not my age, as I have never let that bother me before. I suppose I have a new dream, and knowing me, once I make my mind up, I wont be satisfied until I get it.

I find myself thinking about new pastures and greener pastures. I know, the grass isn't always greener, but isn't it better to walk barefoot in the slight less greener grass, than to spend a lifetime wondering what things would have been like if you had only made that decision.

Its 6 days till I start my paragliding course. I may love it...I may hate it. Who knows? I know for certain that I will be rubbish at it for a while and then something will click and I will understand. I always understand after a bit of study. Not naturally clever me, have to persevere. I still hear my granny sticking up for me as an 8 year old child.

I have travelled a long way in a year. A year has taken me to places new and exciting and places where I have come to know myself for the first time. The people who have accompanied my journey have helped me to grow and nurtured me and let me be truly me. Who knows where my journey will take me in another year.

I hope to walk in Lemon groves and feel the sunshine on my neck before my loved one kisses me and I turn to smile towards him and be happy how lucky I am...

I have a dream...

Why can't you hiccup bubbles?

What are hiccups? I am a random hiccuper...I can be literally doing nothing and then suddenly out of the blue, I can be hiccuping for a couple of minutes and then it goes away.

The best bit is when I get out of bed with hiccups. That means that I will have hiccups all day. My dad used to say when I was little that every time I hiccuped I grew a tiny little bit...well at 34 years old and 5'4'' , that wonderful story didn't come true...shame...

...which started me thinking why things happen?

I had a dream last night. As dreams go, it was rather weird. I was standing at the top of a very windy and cold large hill with a plastic faded duck as a birdbath and frogspawn all around it (told you it was weird). I had arrived there after some exciting event that had happened in my dream, what I cant remember because the nature of dreams are that you seem to forget their very essence the moment you wake up...why is that? Are they the key to some elixir that we are not meant to know?

Anyhow back to the duck and the frogspawn...something of great importance fell down this hill. I say hill, but it was a sheer decline of about 80%. I knew that this thing that had fallen, I can't remember but it was shaped in a rectangle...a book?...a frame?...I cant remember...I knew that this was very bad news as it was the thing we had come to rescue. I think it was meant to be there as another event would happen as a result of it being there (too much time-travelling reading on my part I think).

I looked down at this hill for sometime and knew logically that I couldn't go down, that the laws of physics were against me. I even saw someone try and fail and tumble to (I think) their apparent death, if not into a million pieces!

Even so, I know that it was important and I knew what my decision had to be. I knew that I had to rescue it whatever the cost. I knew that I had to try. I knew it was up to me. I went to move...

...and then in my dream I felt arms from behind me grab me around my waist to stop me...

...and I woke up and felt arms behind me grab me around my waist...

I had woken up from my dream at the exact moment I was about to jump...

I had been woken from my dream by the man who shares my love and my life.

The same man who looks into my eyes and makes me feel that no words need to be said. That everything is understood, that emotions are synchronised...it is in that exact moment that I know I have everything I need.

The path that led me here has not been easy or well lit and there were many tunnels. But waking up and seeing the man whom you love with all of your heart and who you know loves you back with the same intensity makes any tasks worthwhile.

One can put up with a thousand demons for the sake of an angel...

My Sister

My sister is amazing.

I have such love and awe of her strength that any strength that I have pails into insignificance of the strength that she has.

I look back to the girl she once was and the woman she once was, and it is different to the person I see today.

I see not only strength, but sacrifice. I see passion, I see good, I see a mother, I see a woman, a warrior, a fighter, I see my sister, and i love her for everything that she was, is and will be...

She is my sister...she is one half of me...

Having a cold sucks!

AAAATTTIIISSSCCCHHOOOO...ah...crap

With one week to go to France paragliding I seem to have caught the slightly less pandemic flu strain of 'kid-flu' occupational hazard I suppose.

I also seemed to have aquired apathy and lethargy as added extras. I seem to have just enough effort to go and whinge next to BF who is playing guitar hero...my...head....

So no running today. I went yesterday. I am on week 6 which is phase 2.-2 minutes of running and 2 minutes of walking. Man alive it was hard, but worth it as when I came back and had another argument with my scales I decided to measure myself instead and found I have lost an inch off most of the places I have measured...how cool is that! Damn those scales!!!

Back to the paragliding. Have now ordered a helmet, have all my clothes, lots of mini travel shampoos etc and all I need now is Euros.

I am quite excited and am looking forward to it. I actually have no idea what I am doing, Ive read a bit of a book, but I dont think its going to prepare me for what it will actually be like. Last July I went on a tandem flight and I cant even describe the peace and beauty and awe of it all. BF has been great about it all, especially driving to Brighton last weekend just for me to try on a flying suit that I didnt even buy.

So... with a week left to go, I catch a cold and have been told to get better and that BF does not want to be infected by it...charming...he has a point though. Driving 10 hours to the south of France next weekend and I dont want to be coughing and sneezing all of the way. Isnt it typical though!

Im going to drink my hot honey and lemon tea now and be a good patient...ahem...

2 weeks left dun...dun....DAHHHHH

Ok...ok...two weeks to go till the big day...

I now have my paragliding trousers (2 pairs), three jackets (all in varying coldness design), ear muffs, sunglasses, boots, (spare boots) a variety of hoodies/jumpers/vests that I have accumalated and two rucksacks.

Now all I need is a helmet.

How I am going to get all of this into a bag I have NO idea. I think Im going to start packing next weekend!!

Too...tired...to...run zzzzzzzzzzzzz

I'm tired today - Im not sure why. Maybe because the sun is out, or maybe I have to start writing my reports, or maybe because I had to do something at work I didnt really want to do. Anyway Im feeling a bit tired.

As I was walking up the stairs to go home, I knew if I didnt get my running gear on quickly then the sofa would be cradling me in his arms. Good old sofa. Been mooching on it all winter in hibernation mode with BF. I feel I should be laying on it now, but BF is at his house doing 'tidying up stuff' :((((( Rubbish

So went out today for a run and it was hard. Isnt it supposed to get easier? Yes I can run for longer and yes, I couldnt before, so why could I just sleep? Isnt exercise supposed to make you have more energy?

Anyhow, I have to carry on regardless because its 3 and a half weeks before I go paragliding and 5 and a half weeks before I do my race for life and I have also given BF permission to repremand any crappy eating habits I have. (but he wasnt here tonight...heheheheh...2 hobnobs...actually was 4.......heheheh)

Going camping at the weekend, so a run on Friday is out of the question. That means I will have to go running tomorrow!!!! I may have to take an overdraft on my energy levels. Following that I will have to walk up a huge hill to watch BF paragliding on Saturday and Sunday.

I may pack my sofa :)

Running + BF + Bike = Harder

You know...when your BF decides to ride his bike when you go for a run, you have to run a bit faster!!

Ok...ok...I am in my fourth week of running and have to run 8 minutes everytime I run punctuated by 2 minutes. It started today. Ordinarily I would have adhered to it properly and not gone to fast at the beginning. But BF was on his bike, and I didnt want to look like a silly, so I had to run a bit faster. Not very wise!! By two minutes of 'Look how cool I am...I can run quite quickly', I am slowly getting tired after a full day of work.

So, I run for a little bit longer and faster, and longer and faster and hope that he will notice how fabulous and wonderful and sexy I am (I flipping well notice as my new watchis telling me I am doing 95%....NINETY FIVE PERCENT!!!)

Does he say well done...no...he says run faster...CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!!!!

I put on my music to block him out.

hrrmpff

Sunday Cycling in the Sunshine

Today was brilliant.

It was a lovely hot sunny day from the moment I woke up to the moment the sun set. I feel rested and really happy. My bottom however, that’s another story. Saddle sore!

BF and I left this morning with two rucksacks. His as small enough to carry a crumb and an atom, mine to carry the world, his wife, the kitchen sink and a variety of different crap that I obviously would not even be needed if WW3 started, but there you go!!

Of course, BF, as always the eternal gentleman carried my rucksack which now contained an extra coat as it was starting to get even hotter.

1st stop - Tesco’s. I brought a brilliant watch yesterday that tells the time, your heart rate, your bank balance and probably how much food you have in your fridge, if I can just find the right button to press.! We had to stop, because BF was so impressed by it that he wanted one. It comes with a free heart monitor which you have to have ECG gel or saliva (ewww) Yes you guessed what we used...(ewwwwww).


2nd stop - So, leaving Tesco’s with new watch and a lovely bike saddle cushion (I’m never good at sticking to the list- I was going to buy some crudités and hummus, but BF was not having any of it - also there is now no room in the rucksack!!!). We then head off to the river. We come across a cool park where we dodge a few stinging nettles, various dogs and decide to sunbathe for a while on a park bench.

Back on the bike and head towards a road to nowhere, and decide to take a pit stop in a Sailing Marina which has boats for £139,000!! WHAT???

BF and I think we should 'pretend' to buy one, but knowing that we have absolutely NO knowledge in boats, we head off towards the pub.

Half a Guinness later, I’m now feeling a bit hungry and a little bit tipsy. Next half and a HUGE roast dinner later, we realise that we have to cycle back and it’s a lonnnnngggg way home. We (I mean me) think about locking the bikes up and catching the bus back, but get on the bike anyway.

A good 27 minutes later, we are back home and although my back is a little red, and BF is a delicious brown tanned colour, mooching o'clock on the sofa has arrived. We watch a film and although I try hard not to fall asleep, the comfort of BF arms, and his heart beating, lull me into a beautiful sleep ( I always do this in films, its notorious!) and awake with the usual "What’s going on?"..."Who’s that"..."I’m confused"...
So all in all – a lovely day out.

Pathways

I love to find a new pathway...a secret pathway...a pathway that was there all of the time, but I never noticed or even knew about.

Linking onto someones blog today, lead me elsewhere...which led me somewhere else...which led me to another place, which led me there.

Words that are written that can inspire others fill me with such emotions.

I am lucky I can read Spanish, otherwise I would never had had my heart touched by words so beautiful, I cant even begin to say.

Sometimes we are gifted with words, sometimes we are gifted with the ability to express and to feel, and sometimes, you can just watch in awe and be in the presence of someone putting into words what is going on inside you heart and your soul...

Today my heart sang with joy...

Rain 0 Coco 1

Woke up this morning feeling the wonderful Saturday vibes upon me. I can stretch in bed, I don’t have to worry what time it is, I can let my thoughts wonder around my head.

Then I wondered if today it would rain. We have had such lovely weather that it was only a matter of time. I don’t particularly like the rain, but I don’t dislike it either. I know its important for the ground, and everything certainly looks greener over the last few weeks.

So, I open the curtains and see the wet ground and wonder what it will be like to run in the rain. I give it a go. An actually, here by my place it was raining, but not in the park 2 minutes away! How strange is that!

Then I realise that there are two important things for me when I run
1. Music and very importantly, 2. Lip balm.

I have forgotten option 2, and it’s not in my pocket...dammit...I’m not going back.

I get to the park and see other runners this time. I haven’t yet seen the same runner twice. It’s a bit like 'bird spotting' :)

2 dogs decide to take a liking to me and I wonder if I got a dog would it run with me. Bearing in mind I would like a little Dachshund, I would probably need a tiny rucksack so it could be carried in there. (Together with my miniature tea-cup pig: BF is not wavering yet!)

So, it’s the end of week 3 and starting next week I will be running for 8 minutes. As this social experiment goes, it’s not bad. The last time I was involved in a social experimented it turned out very profitable ;) (and a year later I am happier than ever).

I am noticing something change in my legs. I certainly can run faster and longer than I could 3 weeks ago. I think I am getting fitter. My clothes and scales however, tell me otherwise, and I am hungrier now than I ever was before. So I will continue this experiment a little longer to see what will happen.

Countdown:
4 weeks till paragliding
6 weeks till 5km race for life

Whats it all about?

I have been thinking this for most of the afternoon.

What are the priorities we have in life? Are they the ones that matter? Are they the ones which give us as much love as we give?

I used to be a coconut. Hard to crack...very difficult to control and almost impossible to convince to do things anyway but her own way in her own time! My sister will tell you that I can be a pain in the ass sometimes and sometimes quite obstinate...only I find myself these days being much less so. How has the things I have been through shaped the way I now think? More about how I became a coconut butterfly another day.

I am thankful for so much in my life. My sister has been through hell and back and still finds the energy and enthusiasm to kick negativity where it hurts. I have walked with her through hell and back, and I would do it again. It has made her stronger, and it has made me more tolerant. I would walk through hot coals for her.

I also used to be a fruitcake - running away in my mind at the slightest problem. Until I met someone, who from the very first time, grounded me. Which is ironic, as he spends most of his time in the sky. He is my sunshine and my laughter, my passion and my desire. Being with him, I have enough air to breath, my smile would power the whole of the city of London, my eyes sparkle. Its thanks to him that my cake has less fruit in these days! How truly blessed am I.

And so in answer to what it is all about. Its my love for the people in my life. That is what it is all about. Not work, or problems or crappy stuff that your past reminds you of now and again. I was once told 'Seeds of tomorrow are always planted in the darkest of times'....now my flowers are blossoming and I am so happy and thankful for what I have today...

There's a good reason I dont keep biscuits in the house...

...because two biscuits ALWAYS turn into three!

Back from the next run getting me fit for race for life/paragliding course/general getting fit stuff. I am stil running for 7 minutes and have another day Friday before I move up to eight minutes! Wow...get me...running for 8 minutes :)

However...

Today something happened that made me feel really, really cross. But...instead of wanting a cigarette as usual for the past two years, I couldnt wait to get home to run. It was a good feeling.

I tried really hard to let it go, but negativity seems to spring up just when you think you have things sorted. Usually I would be thinking about this all day, and although I have, I have tried really hard not to let it really affect me. I cant change it, so I just have to learn from it.

Maybe this is going to be my new addiction ;)

Week 3 - 7 minutes of running...

I thought those first two minutes were going to finish me off!!

I have done a full days work - the first after two weeks of generally mooching about, chsing after kids, laying floorboards with BF and consuming vast amount of chocolate bunnies.

Back to work and back to reality.

After a good weekend..surprising really as I only packed light and thought I would be home sooner. A weekend of bending and stretching...surely that is some kind of exercise. (Maybe the 2 beers were a mistake).

So I start work today, with 5 weeks left to learn as much as I can about Paragliding and a bit of tidying to do after arriving back here with a suitcase which seems to have 'exploded' over the floor. I have some work to do, and after going to the postoffice to get my new mp3 and ear phones (for running) and Paragliding Book I run to the park.

Why is it that the first couple of minutes try to persuade you to go home and just continur mooch o'clock. Anyhow, I persevere, found some good tunes and just keep running. Its funny, but the running bit I enjoy more than the 2 minutes of walking in between. I still find it a bit difficult to run more than a minute at a time, but Im getting there.

As I run my third minute a beautiful butterfly crosses my path and weaves between my legs. It was fantastic...a very peaceful and gentle.

After the fifth minute of running, I spy a skateboarder coming towards me. I wonder if I could learn that too? Then he stops behind me and I keep on running. Not paranoid, just sensible.

I cant see anybody else running this evening, only dog walkers. This makes me a bit sad, until I see someone coming towards me with their running partner on a bike. That makes me feel a bit better and also cant wait to get BF on the bike too.

So I arrive home, witness my exploded suitcase and decide to leave it till later so I can concentrate on my work. The joys of teaching!

:)

Flipping Rain

Ok...ok...problem 1 (rain+no straightners) x1 night away from home = no running...RUBBISH

And I was going so well too.

Spent the day 'power-walking' around London. Came back to help BF lay laminate floor and the weather conspired against me..that means I have to run tomorrow and its Saturday...not happy :(