Flip It

There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her.

She told her boyfriend, 'if only I could see the world, I would marry you.'

One day someone donated eyes to her. Weeks later when the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.

He asked her, 'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?' The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that and the thought of looking at them for the rest of her life led her to refuse his marriage proposal.

Her boyfriend left with a broken heart. A few days later she received a note from him saying: 'Take good care of your eyes my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.'

Taken from Flip it by Michael Heppell.

Uncertainty

I have many many questions, most of them tumble-dry around my head getting drier, until the dial automatically runs out. Either they are dry enough to come out or they take another spin.

Some things take longer to dry than others... damn it!

I used to stare out of the window.

Nothing going on outside, just me...a face in the window. There was nothing going inside and so I looked out.

Then I started to smoke. It was wonderful (apart from the stinkyness and the gradual timebomb to Cancer!) It gave me something to do as I was staring out of the window.

The I started to write whilst I was smoking out of the window. That bit was brilliant. It was like I was finding a way to express all the tumbling things going around and around and around in my head.

Then I stopped smoking (nearly 11 months now!) and I stopped looking out of the window. There was something better to look at inside.

And now I only stare out of the window to wave to them arriving from and leaving for work.

I am no longer a face in the window.

Did it!

10 km in 1 hour and 20 minutes.

Brilliant!

Messages

Do you believe that you have the opportunities to receive messages every day but you just don't notice them?

Some people call them divine intervention, some people call them coincidences, and others don't even recognise them as anything at all.

I know what I believe.

With the age of technology, it is so easy to do anything. For example.

Here I am searching for music to download as my race is 8 days away and today I managed to listen to the Radio as my music has been surpassed again. I have now 4 folders for music. Gradually telling the story of my rise to running. The first few folders helped me run 5 minutes or more, but little else. My last folder helped me run through Spain which Mr Pilot was paragliding his socks off. Those morning runs were wonderful and filled with all the promises of the day. Of course getting a tan was a bonus!!

So now, a week away and no music to inspire me...and that's what I need, inspiration. (By the way...the word inspiration comes from the word Spirit!)

Soo..... here I am downloading my tracks, I am very proud of myself of course, I always am when I don't have to rely on someone else.

I hear some music playing out the window and go over to it. Its a hot day and so I lean out (not too far - I live on the third floor). I see a man packing his car and the music is fast and its what I'm looking for. Obviously I don't know it and I have no way of shouting over 'Hey Mister...whats that song?'. And as time gradually passes I find myself unable to move my legs because my muscles have decided after a week that I have over done it (coupled with the fact that I danced my socks of literally till 4am last Saturday at a wedding)...Anyhow I digress as usual.

The words gradually appear over the thumping music, which I am sure will wake up most of the neighbours. I recognise the tune, the words, but the message isn't clear. Its in a fog. Its as if its on the tip of my tongue and I cant get it. Its like I am trying to remember a dream, but it just doesn't come and the more I try and search, the more I try to grab and hold onto it, the further away it goes from me. Its like trying to catch one of those dandelion seeds that floats on the wind. Its like trying to catch a butterfly, as Mr Pilot and I tried to last weekend to no avail.
And then breakthrough!

The music is haunting, the words even more so. Ive seen the film. Yes, and no surprise, I have cried at the film. See if you can guess it: Its where the Spaniard walks through fields of corn to see his wife and child. Only this isn't a dream, and it isn't life either. He has just defeated his enemy in battle. He has avenged his family's horrific death. The words of the song are in Hebrew and translated means 'now we are free'. When I downloaded this and heard it as I heard it pumping through the car over an hour ago. Guess what - I cried. I believe that this was a message sent to me. Call it divine intervention, call it coincidence. I know what I call it.

Its the song I want to cross the finishing line to, in more ways than one. Its beautiful, its tragic. It inspires my very soul to reach for anything in the whole world.

It fills me to the very top.

I am no longer empty.

I am me.

I am a runner.

I have only just realised this.

And it feels so good.

I rememember when I started this blog, it was to help me through my 1 minute run and 3 minutes walk starting phase. That first minute nearly killed me! I had smokers lungs and body to boot. Gradually (I dont know how) I have managed to creep up to as much as I can run in one go.

I have recently ordered two running books. I looked at the programme where it starts for 2 minutes walking and 1 minute running. I caught myself looking at the bottom of the schedule to where it said '30 minutes running'. Now thats more like it. Its funny isnt it! 6 months ago, the prospect of running 30 minutes would have put me off and now it doesnt.

I dont run in times any more, it only makes me stop. Mentally I think about running around the park and that is 2 km. Today I am going to try and manage 2 times around the park. And tomorrow three. I have my 10 km race next Sunday and so I have to try and see how far I will go.

After this? Well If Ive run 5km and 10km, then I suppose I will have to try for a half marathon?

See...Im a runner :)

Why is there beauty in tragedy?

I have just finished crying.

Tears fell gradually and continuously slowly from my eyes over a period of about an hour.

I feel quiet, I feel cold, I feel drained.

A hot chocolate should do the trick until I emmerse myself back into reality. I plan to do this very slowly.

I have just watched a movie in which my emotions have been wrenched from one side to another. I am very cautious and particular over what I watch. They have to move me and reach into my soul. Sometimes a title can show a chink of light of what is to come, and sometimes I have to find more about it before I can commit to it.

Yet, I always find the movies and books which I stumble into, completely by accident, are the ones which make make more of an impression than anything I could have chosen. Its as if the movie chose to be watched by me. The book chose to be read by me.

I surcumb to a sort of surrender to let things take thier course and lead me into ways in which enrich my heart.

My words are poor, but my heart is rich...

My runaway head

Sometimes, things are too much for me.

Being in the middle is a hard job, especially as you see all the sides of the same story.

People arguing through you and towards you is a difficult thing to have to do. Especially when all of them want to express what they feel and how the other person has done them wrong.

Listening to people calming down and watching themselves rationalize their emotions is hard to watch.

Trying to sweep up the pieces and put things back together is even harder.

My mum is the easy one. She and my sister are the same. They volcano and spew out the nastiest of words. They are horrible to one another, and then everything is OK. A sorry means sorry and then things move on. They both separately drank a bottle of wine to help and then today everything seems to be OK.

My dad however, is very like me.

He switches off at a seconds notice. He pushes you to reject him and when you show the slightest confirmation of this. He withdraws so much that it is almost impossible to reach him.

The only one to reach him? Someone who acts the same...me.

He gave me an olive branch today, and although I didn't want to take it. I did. I suggested a plan and he took it. My family means a great deal to me. Its the only one I have.

There was a time when our family was broken. We all fought over my sister and a new relationship, and four became three. Well actually, three separate people living in the same house. No one spoke to each other. They showed me how to bury your feelings and they showed me how not to talk and not express your feelings. Withdrawn people learned to keep away, as nobody wanted to talk to you anyway. We survived and that was all. Months went by. We coped and did things but they didn't really mean anything. A part of us was missing. We managed.

Then my sister came back into our lives. Things began to be reconciled, bridges built. It was a very slow and very painful path. We tried to do everything we could to make things better and reconcile things. It took time, and although things were different, as adults we talked, we became closer. It took years. People looking at us today don't appreciate or even realize everything that happened. But we do. We were there. We lived through it.

My sister is moving. A very happy move this time. She moving a few hours away with the man that she loves very much. He is very good to her and her young family.

My parents are taking this very hard. Both retiring, a few friends they relied on have passed away and now, they are going to miss their daughter and grandchildren. Its going to be hard for them. Its going to be hard for everyone.

And as last time, after everyone is OK, then I shall sort myself out.

Only this time I wont make the same mistake and run away when they all fight. I am staying, and as hard as it is. I wouldn't do anything else.

Today I feel like Cinderella

Today, one of my dearest friends took my breath away.

I was asked to be her bridesmaid. An ordinary, everyday occurrence you say. Maybe for most, but for me, I feel like Cinderella when she was told she could go to the ball.

When people tell you they are getting married, you are pleased for them. It is a monumental decision that brings two people in love closer together and their lives are filled with hope and happiness. You are glad to be invited to share their special day with all their family and friends that they have accumulated along the way.

Friends come and go. There is always a reason or a season that a friend is in your life. You hope that some will last a lifetime. The ones you think will last longer often don't, and the ones you think wont, do.

My dearest friend has been a treasure to me. More than she actually knows. In 2003 I decided to change jobs. She was the one who I was placed with. It was like working with myself. For three years we worked together and I was blessed with everything I had hoped for for my career; organisation, support, laughter and experience. Then she left to pastures new and although I was excited for her, I was sad. Friendships take time to blossom and I knew that this was one of the times when I had to water them from afar. I knew we would keep in touch from time to time, but never imagined what a rock she would become.

She was one of the 2 people who held me up when I fell apart. My sister was the other. A broken relationship and a rebound fling gone wrong in the space of 3 months, left me brokenhearted and alone. I spent my time smoking, drinking, crying and very little else. I kept it together at work and no one knew of my heartache, yet when I came home again, the cycle would begin and would continue for another 6 months. They felt like 100 years. To have one's heart broken for the first time at the age of 33 is no mean feat. It destroyed who I was. I was nothing. I built up walls, which are only now becoming to come down thanks to the love and patience of my beloved.

My friend rang, she texted, she spoke words, she said she wished she could help more. In fact, what she did for me was so very much. I felt I was in a tunnel without a light. She brought me a lighted candle. She did this every time we spoke, until there came a time when I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. To say I am grateful to her and my sister for what they did for me is a complete understatement. The love they showed me and continue to do, far outweighs the grains of sand on the shore.

And so, to be asked to be my dearest friends bridesmaid, is more than a privilege. It is such an honour that my heart is swelling with thanks and pride for being asked. I would never ever in my wildest dreams presume to be asked. It was such an immense surprise and because of that I am happy to be part of her day. Today she has made me the happiest little thing in the world.

:)



(Cinderella Picture from a talented artist called Maria Holohan)

Peaceful moments

Watching someone you love sleep is lovely.

You wonder what they are dreaming as they breathe in an out.

The slight movement on their lips, their eyes flickering behind closed eyelids and their chest moving up and down. I stroke his foot and a gentle smile pours from his lips.

He drifts into consciousness and looks at me.

It is a good feeling.

It is an intimate moment.

I feel loved.

In a whirlwind of fruit and cake

Im quiet again.

Which can only mean one thing...

A lifetime of telling people that Im tired or that I have a headache doesnt work with the two people that I most want to hide from. They have long deciphered the code and become aware of what it actually means. Which is great, but also very annoying.

I was told today that the 'display for fruit-cakeness' is actually written on my forehead as a frown. Great! I cant even bloody hide that anymore!

My fruitcake moments cresecendo into a whirlwind of emotions.

Every second of every waking moment, I think a thousand thoughts; and when I am asleep, I dream a thousand thoughts. Everything and every possible scenario is played through my head. Actually its a wonder I have enough energy to do anything. There are days when I am mentally tired from all the thinking I do.

I am thousands of miles away, and it only seems now that I am reaching some kind of clarity. Its the same message that has been trying to get through to me for a while now. That perfection isnt possible and trying for it makes you feel like a faliure. This is the message. Do you think I have realised this? I can tell you logically, but in my heart I keep thinking that if I do a little bit more, or a little bit harder then everything will be alright. You and I know that it doesnt work like this.

And so, for a while now I have been underachieveing. Of course, if you dont try, you dont fail do you! Underachieving is the other end of the scale of obsession. I have gone form one end of the see-saw to the other and actually I think its a rubbish game. Try to hard and you fail, try to little and you fail because you dont even get to do it. And so, here is the formulaic equation

High expectations+over-reliance on perfection=fail
Low expectations + no reliance on perfection = unachieving+ fail

(Both scenarios) + worrying = fruitcake syndrome

The whirlwind of Fruitcake always lifts me up in such a frienzy that I feel powerless and the first symptom is a lack of speech, its a shutdown, a numbness, a withdrawl. Its the last thing I want to do, because it is so obvious to those who have deciphered it. It would be great if they didnt know and I could be a fruicake in my own little world, but I have tried, its just how it happens.

Sigh

So, how am I going to get this message through my very thick skull?

I am going through transition period. The old me has gone and the new me isnt here yet. I am neither catterpiller nor butterfly. I am an inbetween uncomfortable phase where I dont know what is happening. I have to wait.

I have to in the mean time, cut off the thoughts that keep telling me the following.
1. You cant run fast enough or for longer.
2. You cant learn to fly.
3. You cant lose weight.
3. You are not good enough to write your first novel.
4. You cant do your job to the best ability
5. You should play your whole life safe.

It reminds me of the Bible story of the 3 men who are given talents. The last one wastes them because he is too frightened of what could happen. He is frightened of losing what he has and so therefore buries it in order to preserve it. What he ends up having is a life wasted and a life being frightened. I can tell you know, he isnt rewarded and ends up losing what he tried so hard to preserve.

Sigh.

Coconut needs a big hammer.

Im off to find one. :)

An accumilation of fears

Its interesting how many fears you can develop as a child that continue to annoy you well into adulthood.

To be afraid of spiders, fear of water, fear of heights, fear of large dogs. Where do all these come from?

I am sure that most of the fears I accumilated as a child have no reason to be in my adult life, but still they remain.

Today, for example, we went swimming. I cant put my face under the water and if someone splashes water up my nose, I panic and I cant breathe. Its wierd I know, but I cant help it.

I also have a fear of large dogs, which is why I would like a Daschund (small and unable to knock you off your feet) Which is what happened to me as a child!

I am also scared of the 'You see..I told you' look/conversation. Maybe this is why I am reluctant to start anything new...just in case the 'You see..I told you' voice starts ringing in my ears.

Thank goodness I have people in my life that make me do things that ordinarily I wouldnt. I can be quite a stubborn thing sometimes - as well they know!

Anyway, I think its about time I left these fears behind. Who knows...maybe the 'You see..I told you' may be used for some positive!

Cuando...

Cuando te rompa el corazon, siempre hay algo alli que duele si lo tocas.

Cuando caen lagimas como una fuente, siempre hay una cosa que lo vuelve a repitir.

Cuando no hay palabras, aparecen milles de pensamientos.

Cuando no sabes que hacer, siempre hay muchos caminos.

Cuando quieres correr, siempre hay muchoas razones para quedarte.

Cuando tienes que esperar no hay manera.

A new day

Ok, I am here again after a while.
I didn't go anywhere.
I was just kind of wandering around in my own thoughts.

Too many things going around in my head to write. But....at the start of my holiday I feel ready to 'deal' or rather 'forget' all the stuff that has happened at work+friends+life and start again.

And breathe...and reboot.

So, today...

I ran 3km. Funny isn't it. When I started out I couldn't even run for a whole minute. The cigarettes in my bag were calling me to take another slow drag and the chocolates were calling even louder. And now, after 4 months the cigarettes still call to me, but I have something back to say to them...I am working on what to say to the chocolates though!

And so I ran today and it felt good.

Its all preparation for the 10km race in September. My sister and I ran the 5km at the end of June and it was amazing. Amazing because we ran non stop and amazing because we did it. It wasn't about how fast we could do it. In fact, as we started, we made a pact to stop after a while and enjoy it, but as 5 minutes turned into 9 and 13 minutes turned into 21, it was as if both of us were thinking the same thing.
"Could we carry on running a little further?"
"Could we keep going?"

Well, we did, and after 43 minutes, we ran like rockets across the finishing line into the arms of both our other halves who praised us. We felt like we had come first. We did. It was certainly a first for both of us.

And so what now? Well, keep running I suppose. I'm eating good food, reading books I enjoy and not consuming my life with negative people or benign television. I am writing again. And all and all it feels good.

I don't know how far I have yet to go, but I know I have come quite far.

The wonderful nothing moments

I am sitting here loving the nothing specialness of it all.

All I am doing is listening to music whilst my love is washing up.

Very ordinary, nothing special.

But the moment is here and its a wonderful nothing moment.

Nothing is happening, but something is happening.

All these wonderful nothing moments make up a special moment.

The story of the ordinary.

Dusk is here. An ordinary dusk. An everyday dusk.

The birds are singing a dusk song. They have had their day. An ordinary day perhaps. They sing of their day.

There is quiet and peace and a sense of not wanting.

It feels like being underwater and looking around before you run out of breath and lift your face out of the water and breath in the oxygen deeply. Its the moment only longer. There is nothing before and nothing after. Its just now.

Its the being happy in the now.

I am happy in the now, and it feels good.

No, it feels better than good. It feels wonderful.

In love with the beauty of tragedy

How do you catch a star?
Do you wait for one?
Night after night, do you plead?

Do you plan?

Do you beg?

Do you buy nets and telescopes and jam-jars?
Do you read books and and recipes?
Do you wait and prepare?


When you lose hope, do you console yourself with falsehoods?
Do you cry, do you sob?
Morning after morning, do you breathe in air which has no benefit?
Does time pass whilst filling the heart with sadness?
Do you numb your soul by placing it in a cage?

Do you after a while realise the beauty in the tragedy?
Do you understand that you cant catch a star?
Do you gaze at the wonder of it, and appreciate and be thankful?
Do you breathe in the sheer wonder of it?
Do you realise you can never catch it?

After this all, do you see it shoot suddenly across the sky?
Do you see it fall gently in the palm of your hands?
Do you close your eyes?
Do you cup your hands gently to look after the fragility of it?
Can you believe?
Do you dare to believe?
Do you allow yourself to believe?

Can you?

Happiness

Its the most simple things that make me happy...

Eyes that smile...

Warm arms around you as you sleep...

A smell that invokes a thousand memories...

A sigh that lets someone know you are happy...

Loving...

Laughing...

Living...

The Unexpected Moments in Life

This is part of my story.

It is not a simple one, and neither is the story that you have.
It is filled with ups and downs and swings and roundabouts.
"Sometimes you're up and sometimes you're down, and sometimes you're just going around and around."

Sometimes in the world we live in, if we are lucky enough to catch the moment, we receive something unexpected. It may be when you are least expecting it. It can happen in the opening of a door, or a phone call. Mostly it happens in the unexpected moments of the day. The most ordinary.

I wish I could tell you when and where my life changed. I feel that it is based on a series of unexpected events that have pushed me through the most happiest and the most painful of times.

Like the time... I met my oldest sister. She is me, but we are not born of the same family. We met whilst on an unexpected walk we were both on as part of a group. We walked through bluebells (and not bluebirds as I thought I heard!!!) She told me I was like a dragon breathing fire inside a small box at everyone that came near me. She knew that after an hour's walk! What else could she know. In the two years that I have known her, she has been one of my most valued voices in my heart and I love her.

Like the time... my little sister threatened to drive for over an hour with her two small children if needs be and come and kick my ass if I didn't pick up the phone. I had ignored all calls from everyone all evening and enough was enough in her eyes. I knew I had pushed her too far, and I knew. I know she would walk over hot coals for me.

Like the time...I met my love. I wasnt planning for what I have now, although I wished it with all my heart. From the first 'fruit-cake' moment when I wanted to fly, he grounded me. Which is completely ironic as he is a pilot and loves to fly. I don't have any words to tell him the love that I have for him, yet I know that he know, I look into his eyes and I am his and I am safe and I have all that I need at this moment in time. I sigh and so does he. All is well.

Many paths that we are on we don't choose, they are given to us. Some are born out of family and some out of circumstances. Many, if we have a choice, we wouldn't take. But take them we must. Sometimes the journey is good and sometimes, for a while, it can be nothing but pain and torture, but past that past, and looking back, we can learn a lot from it.

I remember a time when the thought of coming home made me cry, when I would look out of the window many nights in succession and question so many of my thoughts and actions and have so many regrets. I sit in the same home now a different person. How did I get here? The same four walls do not contain the same things inside. The treasure chest has a new treasure inside.

I have been blessed with a few people that have helped me through my journey so far. I know I still have far to go, but I have come even further to this point in time today.

My journey is mine and mine alone to take. I am the only person who has to make this journey. No one else can say the words that I need to say, no one else can breathe in the happiness that I have. Its all down to me. I know that now, and that has been a really hard lesson to learn.

The people who accompany my journey, do so because I allow them to, and believe me, I have been rubbish at allowing people close to me. I have made decisions based on an action or a person or a situation and then chose to project that on anybody else coming close to me.

But that is not who I am today. The people who have been their for me are few and far between, not because there wasn't an abundance, but because I did not allow them to be close enough to touch me. I was the fire-breathing dragon. I saw letting people in as a weakness, as a vulnerability. You let people in, they know too much, they have the power to hurt you.

I have learned that no one has the power to hurt you unless you let them. Nobody can guarantee you in life that you wont get hurt, but as part of your story, it makes you a better person.

The people who have helped me through 'the tunnel' as I call it, I ask myself what made them keep me company throughout the journey I have made. My younger sister, does she have to because she is my blood? My older sister, does she have to because she sees in me something I cannot? My trusted and dearest friends who started out as colleagues and changed into my dearest friends? My love who in the blink of the eye can recognise if I am quiet, and although that frightens me in so many ways, it fills my very being with more love than I can ever imagine and I feel safe and its OK.


These people did not save me. I am not who I am today because of these people. I am who I am today because I let these people walk with me and hold my hand. No one could do or say the things I had to say. But because they held my hand, they helped me to do all the things I needed to do. They gave me speech when I didn't have any words, they gave me wind so I could fly, they gave me tissues and food and patience and all the countless things that they thought was nothing, but meant the world to me.

This is the treasure in my heart.

And so, as I am making plans for the future, I know I have so much more inside my heart.

I am not who I was...I am who I am today.

My story is not over...it is only beginning...

The Little Bluebird in the Golden Cage

There once was a little bluebird in a golden cage.

It was a beautiful bird with long sapphire blue feathers. It dreamt every day to fly in high up in the white wispy clouds and dreamt every night to feel the wind on her tiny little face. But in reality, she lived in her golden cage from morning till night with just her wonderful dreams to pass the time. In her eyes, you could almost see her dreams, as the blue windows to her soul sparkled with happiness.

The story is coming

Im writing it now...

One step too far by Dido

You can sleep forever
But still you will be tired
You can stay as cold as stone
But still you won't find peace
With you I feel I'm the meek leading the blind
With you I feel I'm just spending wasting time

I've been waiting
I'm still waiting
I've been waiting
I've been waiting
I've been waiting
I'm still waiting
I'm with you (with you)
Its always one step too far
One step too far

You can walk too far
But still you won't be found
You can look down on the world
But still you won't find love
You won't find love

Only with mellow
Are you thin enough to slide through.
If the sun or the moon should give way to doubt,
They would immediately go out.
One swallow don't make a summer,
But tomorrow has to start somewhere.
Only with mellow
Are you thin enough to slide through.
Only with mellow
Are you thin enough to slide through.
Don't Let nothing ride you
Only with mellow
Are you thin enough to slide through.
Don't Let nothing ride you
One swallow don't make a summer.

I've been waiting
I'm still waiting
I've been waiting
I've been waiting
I've been waiting
I'm still waiting
I'm with you (with you)
It's always one step too far
One step too far